Is my husband controlling?

[Habesha91]

Hello

I've been married to my husband for a year and we have known each other for about 4 years now. At first, everything seemed fine and we seemed to get along really well. As time goes especially since we got married, I started to see our differences and some cracks started showing. Here are my main concerns;

Whenever I do something or say something he mostly have something to say about it, in a critical way which doesn't make me feel good. If I do something wrong he subtly tells me off in front of people and that made me feel like I'm a child. He doesn't like the way I deal with challenging things, ignore my feelings even when I try to explain. For example, we encountered a rude person the other day we went for a walk and he wasn't happy with the way I dealt with the person. He said I should have done a,b,c..

Tonight, we were watching a show and this pregnant performer was wearing a crop top showing her belly and she was eight months. I said to him that her clothes doesn't seem appropriate and could have worn something else. However, he said I am wrong for saying that and that I shouldn't judge people, she's young and doesn't matter. And also she's a celebrity and that's how they are and all that jazz. I only expressed my opinion to him but hedismissed it in a way it made me feel bad for saying it. And said a long lines how I've got a problem most times.Basically, he was defending her! I got really upset because I didn't say anything nasty except for voicing my opinion.

He always says stuff like I don't pay attention when I do things that's why I make mistakes. Yes I don't pay attention most of the time but the stuff I do wrong is not a big issue just minor stuff around the house. I also suffer from anxiety and it's hard for me to focus and he knows that yet still expects me to be perfect. The fact that I'm anxious also make things worse because I tend to do more mistakes as I'm scared what he's going to think. I feel anxious when I do stuff when he's around as I know he will say something.

The other thing is also I'm not sure about having kids considering my mental health. I don't think I even want one. However, when I tell him that I can't have a kid because I will suffer mentally due to my anxiety, he simply says I should learn to manage it and I will be ok. I have told him so many times the reasons I don't want kids but he doesn't seem to get it. He always say " it's not that hard" or "kids grow up quick" if so and so can do it you can do it" which I don't like as it's like dismissing what I want.

I don't know what to do anymore as nothing I do or say is right and I'm really tired. It's like I do a lot in the house, be there for him and be loving but it doesn't seem enough. I'm feeling depressed and hopeless.

Sometimes I think maybe he doesn't really love me and he just loves what I provide to him. Sad but it could be true. Has anyone encountered this type of behavior in your relationship? Is this hate or controlling/narcissistic behavior?

Thank you x

I don't think hes necessarily controlling more just opinionated and I don't think your a good match. Did you both discuss children before getting married?

I think over the celebrity he wasn't really wrong (though depending on tone and what exactly he said) and surely it's fine to have a different opinion about something. Seems like maybe though it is usually his opinion that is "right"? Like the stuff round the house is that you aren't doing stuff his way? What makes his way the best way?

It sounds as though he is enjoying undermining your self confidence OP.
His attitude towards you is not supportive, and loving and encouraging.
And he is affecting your mental health.
You would feel happier and more confident and less anxious if you weren't married to him.

If you're scared what he's going to think then he's already controlling your reactions so I would say yes he is controlling although he's doing it covertly so it's not that obvious. You're already walking on eggshells as he's manipulating your behaviour.
Been there, have the t-shirt. Seriously consider leaving him before you lose the confidence to do so.

I agree with this it’s less about the facts of who said what, as he can always argue he should be allowed to have an opinion just like you are etc, it’s more are you scared to voice yours or assert your needs etc as you know he’ll make your life hard or punish you in some way so you start suppressing your needs and feelings in advance to avoid this. If you just have general difference of opinions and conflict then it sounds like more general mis match of values and personality.

Ps if he really wants a kid and you don’t feel you can, then that’s reason enough to separate in my book as someone will feel resentful.

It doesn't sound like you're compatible or happy together

I don't think anyone can say from this much info.

For example, I think he was right about the pregnant performer. And he's not wrong about you learning to deal with your anxiety challenges.

On the other hand, I know how unpleasant it is to live with someone who always thinks their way is the best way, and your way isnt.

The having children part should have been sorted out way before marriage. Its so fundamental. If either of you has changed your position then resentment is inevitable.

Overall, you sound incompatible.

I'm not going to make any statements about whether he's abusive, controlling or a narcissist.
Tone, body language and patterns determine whether something is harmless or abusive and from your post there isn't enough evidence to say with certainty that he's controlling.
He could just be a confident man with strong opinions. There's nothing wrong with that.

But just because he's not wrong, doesn't mean you have to stay married. You have very different ideas for the future, your values don't allign, your personalities don't match. It's pretty obvious you're not compatible and shouldn't have gotten married in the first place.

Agree with @Shoxfordian - whatever the details, you’re incompatible. He wants children; you don’t. There’s no compromise on that. You would be best off disentangling yourselves now.

Also, while he sounds overbearing, it concerns me that so much nowadays people talk about having anxiety as if feeling anxious is a medical condition that requires all kinds of accommodations rather than just an uncomfortable feeling that can be worked through.

I speak as someone who tends towards feeling anxious. I know from decades of experience that capitulating to anxiety so that it prevents you doing normal day to day things makes anxiety worse not better and is the wrong approach.

My husband is very similar to this. I don’t class him as controlling but I do think he belittles me incredibly often and over the years it has worn me down massively. In a healthy relationship you should be able to bring up ideas, struggles and have opinions without being dismissed or belittled. As that doesn’t happen with me my nervous system now never fully relaxes around him and so I either hold back from just talking in general or get really edgy worrying about saying / doing the wrong thing. It’s no way to live.

it could be that he’s totally unaware he’s doing it? I would maybe have that conversation first.

That's not controlling but it's abusive in a belittling manor and will wear you down for sure. Start to distance yourself op for your own self esteem.

How does he react when you disagree with what he does or criticise the way he does it? Or have you magically learned not to do that?

He sounds domineering and you sound timid. It’s not going to work, cut your losses now after a year instead of letting it drag on as you are not remotely suited to each other.

He thinks he is right, and he thinks you are wrong. He also seems to quite like telling you all about how wrong you are. Please don't have children with this man.

No wonder you have mental health issues with him 'correcting' your every move.

Say, "I have my opinion you have yours. Not everything I say is open to debate and we don't have to agree."

I don't know if he's controlling but how he's approaching life with you, whether he is aware he's doing it or not is emotionally abusive. He's chipping away at your confidence and self esteem every time he opens his mouth.

Please have some firm contraception in place that can't be messed with and stick with your instincts, this isn't a good dynamic to bring a child into.

He very much is controlling when you can’t have an opinion without him shutting you down.

He wants you to be perfect.
Remember only someone who doesn’t do anything can say they do everything perfectly

Mind you I would get everything lined up and contact WA before divorce proceedings begin because he will either go full on nice

Or he will just ignore solicitors letters and think you don’t actually mean it.
You would never leave him.

Or he will berate you 24/7 telling you that

You won’t be able to cope without him.

You won’t get anyone else like him

You will fall flat on your face without him to prop you up.

He just wanted you to be perfect.

Most of what he says is what he thinks will happen to him if he is without you

I would have an alternative place to live incase it gets so bad that you need to get away

I would say your anxiety wouldn’t be there if you divorced

Find someone who loves you, respects you and can have a conversation with you and being mum to 10 children would be a walk in the park compared to living with this abuser.

Maybe when he next time says someone else manages having children so you could.
Maybe point out they aren’t married to someone who makes every single comment a battleground

The honeymoon period is over and you're finding out you're not compatible. He's argumentative and opinionated and dismissive, you're judgemental and anxious. But the big incompatibility is you don't want kids and he does and he's dismissing how you feel about it.

I don't think you have a happy marriage or that it will last. Sometimes two people bring out the worst in each other because they're so incompatible and that's where the two of you are. You sound very ground down and he sounds on edge.

I agree about anxiety in most cases but mine became so severe it became delusional, paranoid and I went into psychosis. in fact I wish I had taken more notice of the anxious feelings and not pushed through as they were a sign of a much deeper mental illness problem from childhood trauma.

OP, I recognise some of the issues you're having and have completely resolved this with my partner. Yes it is controlling and anxious and yes you are controlling and anxious as well!

Both of you could benefit from specific changes to your communication skills. However- you can’t make him do something.

First you need to decide if this relationship has potential. Did you fall in love? Have you had an in love phase? Do you both value the idea of being "in love"?

If yes, you need to now learn techniques.
If you can go to an Imago Relationship Therapy workshop. If that is not available find out where it is and really try to get to one.

The first communication technique they will teach is Mirroring.

Here is a link to a good talk on it.
https://www.alturtle.com/Audio/ThinkTankAug1.mp3

Here also a good Spotify podcast by an Imago Relationship Therapist.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/49bpy1f4Px6K2vjklFolhD?si=YSJuPuDqS7yYmdIDZeYs4Q

You of course can also do nothing to see if it will change by itself ;-)