Trying to co-parent when the other person has little interest

[Mumof2studentnurse]

I’m going through a really painful separation. My husband cheated and left me, and arrangements for the kids have become really challenging.
When he left, I still lived in our house for around 2.5 months. During that time, he spent no more than 9 hours in total with the kids. I moved house (he moved back into the house we shared), and he didn’t see them for close to a month. i contacted him through email (email and text is the only way we communicate) to ask about a plan or schedule for seeing the kids.
Over the summer, he would sometimes spend time with the kids, but only when he was working from home. He has three days off a week, but he spends that time with his girlfriend. So he will only take them when he is working. I’ve had enough of him keeping the kids cooped up in the house when he is working so i've asked him to consider seeing the kids on alternative days when he is not working.
The children are 9 and 7, and he allows them to play on VR headsets and iPads for several hours a day. My daughter says she spends most of the time alone in her old bedroom on her iPad, while my son plays PlayStation in the living room. I dont mean 4 or 5 hours a day. I mean from the minute they wake up until they go to sleep, with a daily trip to the shops in the car so he can buy his alcohol for the night.
I’ve emailed him a few times asking if we can agree a more suitable and consistent schedule, but he ignores me. Over the summer, he would email me the day before asking to see them, and I would always agree. They are back at school now so they need a really solid and consistent routine.
He hasn’t paid a single penny in child maintenance. The CMS have now set up a deduction of earnings order because he refused to provide them his bank details.
He hasn’t seen the kids in two weeks and hasn’t been in touch to ask how they are doing. I can’t force him to be in their lives, but I just don’t understand this behaviour.
The kids have not asked for him in the past 2 weeks, I think they are used to how inconsistent he is. It makes me so sad. He used to be quite a loving and hands on dad - i dont really know when things changed, but Im just not sure what to do. Do i email him again? But there seems to be no point, he received the last emails and chose to ignore them.

Sorry OP but you can't force him to be decent person or involved parent. It sounds like your children are better off being in your care full time. Stop trying to facilitate contact and if he asks, tell him why you're saying no. Tell him he can take you to court.

Oh, sorry but get used to it. He's not interested, some men are only interested in the children attached to their current woman.

Get as much money as possible and why aren't you and the children in the house?

I wouldn't try and facilitate it because if he's flakey then it's worse for your dc.

@Dogaredabomb He told me he would sell me the house so the kids could stay at the school they go to and near the friends they have, but then whenever I said or done anything he didnt agree with, he would tell me he wasn't selling me the house anymore. Like when I wouldnt let him use my credit card to go on a night out with his friends (after he had left me for another woman) - So after a few weeks of him changing his mind like this, I just decided it was best to have a fresh start. After I moved he said he was going to sell the house, but a couple of weeks ago he told me hes keeping it. My solicitors bills are constantly increasing but he still hasnt sent his any of the documents/information he was supposed to send earlier in the year. I'm trying to move on with my life, but its really hard.

Unfortunately you cannot make him see his children.
He has shown his true colours and quite frankly, his behaviour is not unusual amongst fathers.
People will bleat on about how the ex stopped him from seeing his children but more often than not this is due to the father's dreadful behaviour.
Keep on with the child maintenance claim and put yourself first.
You will get through it. Unfortunately if he chooses to damage the relationship with his children then there isn’t anything anyone can do about it.

What an awful man. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.
You can lead a horse to water as they say.
you’ve done everything you can.
I would start mediation now and if he doesn’t cooperate, it’s time for court. I would start looking around for a good family lawyer.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You yourself must be hurting but now you have to see your children's pain too.

Did he own the house before you were married? If not, you are entitled to half. Please fight for what is yours.

Your children need stability. You have done the right thing initially to try to facilitate contact but he clearly can not be arsed. So now it is time to drop the rope.

Tell him which day on the weekend,either Saturday or Sunday, he is designated to spend with the children. If he doesn't keep to it, then so be it. His loss. He has damaged the relationship with his children, they won't forget this.

Going to his sounds dreadful for the kids. He’s drinking every night? Id just stop facilitating and just accept hes not interested. As long as you get the money, let him get on with it. Its not like you havent tried. The kids will grow up knowing who was there for them 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk Its our house. We bought it together. We were married for over a decade. Together for 15 years. He doesnt seem to think im entitled to any of the equity. I have a good solicitor - he has an excellent solicitor, so i know that he is taking advice from friends who have not actually been through a divorce, rather than the advice of his solicitor, because legally he has to find a way to give me my share of the equity, through selling or remortgaging. He has lost his mind, but the issue with the kids is really heartbreaking. They deserve so much better than this. I would go through mediation, and I have offered this to him and my solicitor told his that I am more than happy to engage in this, but he just kept saying 'no we can figure it out together' but then for the past while, he has shown no interest in figuring anything out.

Just go through your solicitor, get the divorce and accept that you and the kids are never going to see him again. Sounds like you're all better off without him - don't give him headspace.

I am going through something similar however exp refused to correspond with me in any way and was randomly texting the dc to arrange random contact for no more than 4 hrs at at a time of which he spends 2 hrs driving them.
He pays £99 per CMA - nothing on his untaxed income. The penny dropped for me that you can’t force them to parent, and the kids, in time will see him for what he is.
It’s grim but he had checked out. It’s his loss. In time he will recognise how big a loss.

Yes, he is drinking every night @LivingWithANob for the past few years he has been drinking every night. It was a couple of beers and then a few months before he left me, the drinking had increased significantly, i think me asking him to cut down and stop is a big part of the reason he left me. I never stopped him going out with friends or anything like that, I just told him i was worried about the amount he drinks in the house. His dad is an alcoholic and lost everything because of his drinking and I really worried he was going the same away. I dont know if he is having a few beers when hes with the kids, or if hes getting drunk. It obviously worries me. Without being there and having solid proof there isnt a whole lot I can do other than express my concern about it to solicitors...but the kids have not reported anything other than him buying beers at the shop - but the are very used to this behaviour from him.

So sorry you are going through this @Bayou2000. Thats awful. :(

It sounds like the best way forward wouldnt be to try and reach out again. I do know that I would be wasting my time. I will see if he bothers to get in touch over the coming days and weeks - I doubt it though. I will go ahead and organise afterschool childcare as if he wont ever see them - my work have been patient with me, but patience is wearing thin, so i need to make sure I can commit to my contractual hours and get some robust childcare in place.

There’s a thread on the reasons why this happens here…https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2418902-To-wonder-why-so-many-men-lose-interest-in-their-kids-when-the-relationship-breaks-down?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

I only asked because my exH is the same. Its one of the reasons i split up with him. My kids dont like me leaving them with him too and i imagine when im not there hes horrible to them once hes started drinking (he was like that when i was there and he was drinking). My exH and i dont have a plan for formal child arrangements. The kids are with me 100% unless he takes them somewhere during the day so he wont drink. No overnights. His choice, hes been told lots of times. He wont change. My kids know who is there for them

Drop the rope. You can’t force him to have a meaningful relationship with his kids, I know from experience. It’s sad for the kids and sad for him but you’ve done what you can and the kids deserve consistency.

He goes through the stages with his drinking and I would always know when It was my time to leave the room @LivingWithANob he would be so happy, funny, engaging...then it would turn to being a bit rude, then he would get angry and argumentative and sometimes aggressive....and then he would pass out. He wakes up in the morning as if he had the best night of his life, claiming not to remember any of the awful things he had said to me. He wasnt always like this - for many years of our marriage, he didnt even drink. But when he started drinking, its like his personality completely changed. I cry every day. Multiple times a day. But I dont miss who he is, I miss who he was. I always believed he would come back, I believed he would stop drinking and my husband would be back again - but that never happened.

My exH is a great person when hes sober. A great person around others even when hes had a drink but ive tried to help him. He just doesn't see its unacceptable to be the way he is (angry, shouty, argumentative, slamming doors etc) when hes had a drink. Hes very selfish

you just cant help some people if they cannot possibly see they have a problem. Youve tried. However, if i was in your position, and the kids started to say “mum i dont want to go dads” i wouldnt force them. Doesnt sound like he would put up a fight

I can’t force him to be in their lives, but I just don’t understand this behaviour.

You don't need to understand his behaviour. Stop trying, you'll tie yourself in knots and get nowhere. He probably doesn't understand his behaviour, you've got no chance. Accept that he will behave exactly as he wants, and let him. Meanwhile you let your children know that his choices are not what you would like for them, you're sorry if they feel let down, he loves them but not in a way that they can always feel, and most of all that none of this is their fault, on repeat.

Set yourself up as a solo parent, you're not coparenting if he's not contributing to the deal. Sort out childcare, set yourself up so you don't need a penny from him, don't look to him for anything. Save your energy and turn it inwards towards you and your children.

Crack on with the advice from the solicitor and get the divorce expediated as quickly as possible, do what you need to do on that front to get it done and dusted.

Thanks @LivingWithANob they sound very similar. My kids love him so much. I think thats why this is so hard. He was, for the most part, a good dad. He lacked patience sometimes, and he was selfish, but he would wrestle with them, he would take them to the park when i was working, he would try and do nice things for them, and i maybe didnt notice when all of this stopped...because thats the point when i think he changed completely. What a mess.

Part of me wants him to end up in a ditch because of all the really nasty things he has done to me since he left - but then this other part of me wants him to be ok, because if hes not ok...my kids might not be ok.

Thanks for the advice though.

But he is not a good Dad. A good Dad would be reliably in touch, steadfast, putting the children first, nurturing and entertaining them doing interesting outings together.

You need to adjust your mindset and give the message both to yourself and the children that you are all ok with minimal or no input from him.

Children take the message from you and if you give out the message that their father has so negatively affected them, that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I know a family where the Mum regularly said “ your father ruined our lives when he left” - the result is that the now adult children now believe that their lives were ruined. By contrast, I deliberately give out the message that we are still a family unit without him, and are doing fine, that there’s not much practical difference - the result is that both my DC say the impact of him leaving was minimal!
We were watching some teen American drama the other night and the male lead character was bemoaning the fact his parents were getting divorced - my youngest said to the tv ‘ oh for f’s sake- it’s not that bad! ’

if jointly owned, why was it you that moved out ? confused as you have kids most of the time, it is in their best interest

Adjust your mindset to it's all on you now, then you can put childcare in place and get on with your life without waiting on answers from him. It's he's like this so quickly, he's not bothered.

Totally agree with the majority that say stop facilitating contact. He isn’t a good dad and it’s risky if he could be drinking to excess and lax parenting allowing them to be on screens all day. Also disgusting that he is not using any of his AL in the summer holidays for fun days out, and keeping his spare time for his girlfriend. He is deluded if he thinks you aren’t owed any of the joint property and wasting both your money on solicitors. Same for the CMS, having to pay a charge as he can’t just pay it. I wouldn’t message him at all and i’d be saying no they are not free if he is not providing any notice / routine now they are back at school.