Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ending a toxic relationship

9 replies

Inamess2022 · 01/09/2025 16:06

Hi, I really need advice and tips on how to stay away from a prolonged toxic dynamic. I have been in this situation for on and off for around 8 years now. We lived together for a number of years but blending families did not work and I was very unhappy. I felt that his kids dominated the relationship and his ex wife was a
huge issue as well. I asked him to leave and it didn’t end well, it had become increasingly volatile. I feel weak and pathetic as I then went back and “tried again”. Three years on the same issues have arisen, I know it is no good for me: when we get on it’s great but our differences have now started to become profound (we don’t live together I live with my son) I believe now that I went back because I was scared of being “alone”. I’m not really sure where to go from here, I’m in my 40s, I can’t seem to maintain healthy relationships. I was married prior to him and with the same man since university and basically “settled”. I feel a bit lost. I have friends locally, I have a good job that fits in around my child, I’m just not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life, I go through periods of feeling positive and today I am now in a bad slump again.

OP posts:
Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 01/09/2025 16:29

Hey OP. You feel like this because you know this relationship is not right for you and is not bringing you peace.

End the relationship. Start sending that love within. Spend time with people who bring you up and make you happy. Do things that fill up your cup.

Maybe even consider therapy to work through some of the issues that you have had in your relationships. Are there any issues with your parents that may have affected you?

Inamess2022 · 01/09/2025 17:24

Hey thanks for the reply I am on waiting list for counselling thankfully, I really think the whole dynamic has done a number on me. I’m so thankful that my relationship with my son is so close and good and that I have no long term ties with this guy (my son is from my marriage that ended) I just feel that relationships are a waste of time sadly, I can’t seem to get it right ever and the idea of online dating makes my heart sink 😔

OP posts:
Hectorito · 01/09/2025 18:22

I totally understand where you are coming from. Not for the same reasons but the going back. I have been on and off with my DP for 8 years, most issues over trust (found him on a dating website, he sent a message to a woman he was following on IG). Despite breaking my boundaries I got back with him, we don't live together and go through great periods and then row and walk away for months. Totally toxic but we always get back together. Last week I popped round to his and whilst he couldn't see me looking through his blinds I saw him looking at a semi clad naked woman on IG, he is in his 50s and he is still perving. I am totally done but I always go back but this time I am walking away for good. I am late 40s with both DC away from home (one at Uni one in a grad job in the city). I moved 50 miles away from my home town to live near him and now I just want to sell up and move back. I feel lost, lonely and isolated. I think though being alone has to be better than being in a relationship that makes you feel like shite right?

Dabberlocks · 01/09/2025 18:28

"I'm just not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life"

But if you stay with him you aren't at that stage either are you, and flogging this dead horse is preventing you from enjoying anything.

I understand the feeling of being in a slump again, but surely it is better being in a slump on your own than being stuck with him in it as well!

AcquadiP · 01/09/2025 18:35

Better to be on your own than be in a situation that's dragging you down, OP.

Inamess2022 · 01/09/2025 20:32

Thanks for all your responses. I really don’t want to be dragged back into this again and I’m determined not to be. I think there is this weird idea that I have in my head that I’m somehow “abnormal” because I haven’t got the mortgage, 2.4 children etc (I have a HA home and a lovely son though!) I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others but it’s hard. I think this dynamic has really done a number on me for many years and I’ve just clung to it as some sort of weird safety blanket when it fact it doesn’t serve me, just makes me sad and unhappy. He is older than me and honestly on the list of priorities I have never really felt on any sort of equal level to others in his family (kids, mum etc) I have had many issues over the years with his dynamic with his ex wife he always says it’s coparenting only and only based around the children but they are now practically adults.. there are so many other things I could write but am struggling to articulate it all. I just know I feel very upset and fed up.

OP posts:
Inamess2022 · 07/09/2025 15:20

He has been hugely verbally abusive today via text and has upset me so very much I feel physically sick. I don’t want to get back into this cycle anymore. I hate myself

OP posts:
Inamess2022 · 07/09/2025 15:55

I feel very worried for myself I have told friends and family the truth now have a terrible headache and can’t stop crying I feel so utterly stupid

OP posts:
Inamess2022 · 08/09/2025 10:17

This morning I’ve had more abuse via text I will have to change my number I’m so low so upset i have good friends around me and my family but I’ve put up with so much for so long

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread