Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner of 11 years infidelity

7 replies

LM2092 · 01/09/2025 15:28

Looking for some advice / if anyone has been in a similar situation.

I found (by chance / gut instinct really) my partner of 11 years and father to my daughter had an account and had been very active of FabSwingers. There were hundreds of messages over an 8 week period, a lot of which had been sent while we were away a family holiday (this was found out the day after we returned).

The messages were extremely vulgar and the volume of them was extreme. There was also conversations with women claiming he had met someone for sex the week prior (which aligns with a night out he went on and didn’t return home until 3.30AM and was acting very off).

He swears he never met anyone off it and was just making it up saying he’d met others, I of course don’t believe him. This isn’t the only issue we have had, for years when drinking he can be verbally abusive and has flung me out of our home in the middle of the night on multiple occasions and has rarely shown remorse.

Now he doesn’t want to split our family up, is promising to change, stop drinking, be a better partner, father etc. I have left the family home and staying with family - which is hard because I feel I’m the one being punished but he won’t leave the home (it is his home he purchased prior to us getting together).

Recently told my daughter we were living apart and she is choosing to stay at the house more, which is understandable as she is only 5 and wants the comfort of her home and I’m trying to be flexible for her to not cause any distress.

Really just looking for advice from anyone who has been through the same thing, did you stay and grant them another chance? Did it work out or do you regret it?

My head says walk away but my heart is torn purely for my daughter - and I’m not coping well with the pressure put on me so any advice is appreciated .

Sorry for the long post!!

OP posts:
workshy46 · 01/09/2025 15:46

Leave of course , if not for you but precisely for your daughter. Is this the relationship you want to model for her .. an abusive drunk who kicks you out of the house at night .. who lies and cheats. I suspect there is a reason from your childhood for you staying in an abusive relationship so long.. don’t let this be the reason your daughter takes a similar path in life. You have done the hard part and left .. stay gone .. I can guarantee you your life and the life of your daughter will be a million times better and more peaceful

IDontLikePinaColadas · 01/09/2025 15:47

I’m so sorry this has happened to you; the cheating alone would absolutely be the end of the relationship but the fact that he is also abusive is the real nail in the coffin for me.

With all due respect, do you really want your DD to grow up thinking that being verbally abused and flung out of your home by a drunk partner is a “normal” relationship? Please listen to your head on this one - it will be far better for both you and your DD.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 01/09/2025 15:52

Play the long game. Tell him if he wants you to stay you have to get married. Then wait a few years, divorce him and take half the house.

LM2092 · 01/09/2025 16:16

workshy46 · 01/09/2025 15:46

Leave of course , if not for you but precisely for your daughter. Is this the relationship you want to model for her .. an abusive drunk who kicks you out of the house at night .. who lies and cheats. I suspect there is a reason from your childhood for you staying in an abusive relationship so long.. don’t let this be the reason your daughter takes a similar path in life. You have done the hard part and left .. stay gone .. I can guarantee you your life and the life of your daughter will be a million times better and more peaceful

Thank you. And you are correct my parents were the exact same drunk every weekend, argued, verbally abused each other and physically throughout my full childhood - always said I wouldn’t have the same for my daughter (and she has never saw it happening) but I guess the older she gets the wiser!

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 01/09/2025 16:22

You deserve better than this wanker.

Dozycuntlaters · 01/09/2025 16:24

You are definitely doing the right thing by walking away. However, your DD is 5, it is not for her to chose where she lives. I left my ex DH when my son was 11, he had no choice, he came with me. Do you really think your DH is a great role model for your kid? Do you want her growing up thinking the dynamics of your relationship is normal? Or witnessing his drinking? Honestly, stay away from him but get your kid.

Endofyear · 01/09/2025 22:07

Absolutely do NOT go back to him - you are far better off out of the relationship, even if it means moving out. Is the house in his name only?

If your daughter is 5, you cannot allow her to 'choose' where she lives - you are her parent and you have to make decisions for her at that age. Take her with you and sort out a visitation schedule with your ex. Put in a claim for child maintenance.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page