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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

different priorities?

23 replies

karoke · 01/09/2025 08:40

I've been dating a really lovely man. When we are together, it's great. I fancy him more than any man I've fancied, and he has so much of what I am looking for in a partner. After 5 years of being single, and dating endlessly (and painfully), I thought finally maybe I had met the right guy. But there are complications: he is going through a divorce, and has his kids 50% of the time. He is in a very busy corporate job, where he works extremely long hours. He was recently promoted so the hours are even longer now. I see him once a week, and we message every day. But despite a few requests from me, he doesn't call. When he was first promoted, two weeks would go by without seeing each other, due to long working hours and childcare. Things got a bit better. But seem to be going back to how they were. During the summer, we didn't see each other for two weeks, as he went on holiday with his children and relatives for a week - which was lovely for him - then work took over for another week. However, he didn't call me the entire time. We went on holiday a few months ago, so we did get some time together. He knows this is an issue for me, but things seem to be continuing in this manner, and I get he's busy, and things will improve once I'm more integrated in his life, and I meet his family. But I am really struggling and feel like an afterthought and like I'm not a priority.I'm finding it difficult to keep connected in the weeks that go by. I am very independent, travel lots, and have a busy job and career myself. But I am lonely most nights, despite having friends, going to the gym, I have hobbies etc. I don't know whether it's worth talking to him again, or whether I should end things, as I don't see them getting better any time soon. Also, it keeps creeping up on me - if he were really into me, which he seemed to be before work took over (and I know men can have tunnel vision), wouldn't he be calling and making a little more time for me?

OP posts:
FieryA · 01/09/2025 08:57

I have found that scheduling a call at a time suitable for both works best. For eg.,I tell my partner, does 10am Saturday work for you? This will ensure that you both are definitely going to speak. If he is hesitant to fix a time, then it would be best to have an honest conversation about both your needs in this relationship.

16plusDC · 01/09/2025 08:59

It seems he wants a very casual relationship.

Rightandwrong · 01/09/2025 09:04

Perhaps you are getting an insight OP as to why his marriage broke up?

Perhaps work always has been and always will be his first priority.

MageQueen · 01/09/2025 09:07

I have to admit, my first thought was that this man is still married.

But if that is not the case, I think you have to accept that while he likes you, this relationship is NOT a priority for him. You are something he pulls out when he wants a little fun and downtime with his work and his family coming first.

so either way, I'm sorry but this doesn't look like it's going to last.

Daleksatemyshed · 01/09/2025 09:17

He's not a good match for you Op, he was always busy working and now he has to find free time for his DC as well. Even if you saw him more often if his DC are there he'll still put them first so it wouldn't be quality couple time.
I'm afraid if you want to be a man's priority then find one who isn't a parent

PussInBin20 · 01/09/2025 09:39

I think you are right, he’s not interested in prioritising you or the relationship. I mean it sounds like you hardly see each other.

maybe he hasn’t got the guts to end it.

WatieKatie · 01/09/2025 09:50

OP, I am in a similar position to your DP in as much as I have a DC, where I am sole caregiver, plus a demanding job which entails long hours.

I date casually but simply do not have the time for a full on relationship, which I am honest about.

It sounds like you want a serious committed relationship and he is looking for something more casual that fits in with his career and children. It doesn’t sound like you are a priority in his life, however he is in yours.

As painful as it sounds, I would walk away now. This situation will not change anytime soon and will only lead to heartbreak further down the line.

karoke · 01/09/2025 09:54

Thank you all for your comments, I am really grateful. It helps to have people reassure me that I am not being needy or sensitive.

He's the one who has pushed for serious commitment, I've met all of his family and friends etc.

I don't mind he has kids. I didn't mind sharing him. But to go weeks and weeks just isn't ok.

OP posts:
NNforthispost · 01/09/2025 12:43

corporate jobs and dating don’t work well. And I’m not very senior, but I still end up working 11 hour days and having little left at the end of them (not every day but it leaves you feeling shattered). I imagine it’s why his marriage struggled.

If you’re content then carry on and see how it goes - but if you need more from a relationship then I’d not commit and look elsewhere.

minipie · 01/09/2025 12:49

Bluntly with sole care of 2 kids 50% of the time and a long hours corporate job - he is much much busier than you are. He doesn’t have time for the sort of relationship you want. Arguably, he doesn’t really have time for a relationship at all.

waterrat · 01/09/2025 12:54

He is just not that into you.

Its really simple

Believe in yourself and walk away

publicservice · 01/09/2025 13:03

This sounds super crap and is a useless distraction from your own, full life.

Also, this is the wrong way round: things will improve once I'm more integrated in his life, and I meet his family.

You need active commitment before you meet his family, especially his kids, not afterwards.

ainsleysanob · 01/09/2025 13:07

Kindly, you’re not a priority to him. He should never have pushed for anything when he doesn’t have time or inclination to follow through that’s unkind.

outerspacepotato · 01/09/2025 13:22

He's still married, he has his kids 50% of the time, he's a workaholic.

He sees you once a week and is in contact occasionally. That's starting to lessen.

I don't think he's looking for a serious relationship, you're a casual thing and no, with what's going on in his life, you're not going to be a priority.

You're looking for a long term partner, this guy isn't even divorced and his life is full on right now. He's rebounding from a marriage split, and if he's a decent guy, he's going to prioritize his kids and not risk their wellbeing by having a new partner before he's even divorced.

The two of you are in such different places in your lives that I don't think you're compatible. He wants a casual thing, you want a partner is just not going to work.

SummerDreams81 · 01/09/2025 13:29

I always believe that when people show you what priorities they have, you should listen. He showed you his priorities are his kids, his job, his relatives and then you. Are you okay with that? If this is how it is now when people start a relationship and they want to show their best selves, it won't get better in time. If you think this is enough for you, then continue with him. If not, I don't really see him trying to do better.

karoke · 01/09/2025 13:52

I don't mind that he has other priorities. It's more the little time he has for me. If it were more, it would be more managable.

He is 50, and i'm in my mid 40s. Sadly life does not seem to be slowing down.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/09/2025 14:10

Value yourself more and walk away. This man is still married, has children and is a workaholic. He’s shown you where his priorities are and it’s clearly not you. Be someone’s priority rather than an option. He’s not your last chance saloon and there are men out there who are also not going through a divorce. Raise your bar.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/09/2025 14:11

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. If your relationship history is basically one disaster after another then therapy could help you unlearn the destructive patterns

Suednymph · 01/09/2025 14:28

How long have you been with him? You know for sure he is getting a divorce? Do you go to his place, him to yours?

Dozer · 01/09/2025 14:36

He’s not offering what you’re seeking. He’s offering you very little.

His words (wanting a serious relationship) don’t align with his actions.

This is on top of him not yet nearing the end of his divorce.

Tillow4ever · 01/09/2025 14:37

minipie · 01/09/2025 12:49

Bluntly with sole care of 2 kids 50% of the time and a long hours corporate job - he is much much busier than you are. He doesn’t have time for the sort of relationship you want. Arguably, he doesn’t really have time for a relationship at all.

Sounds like someone who didn’t want to pay maintenance to their ex…. maybe I am just cynical, but a father who is that busy with work and then pushes for 50% of the time with the kids isn’t usually doing it for the right reasons (especially when it is obvious work is always the number 1 priority).

If I’m right, I’d run a mile OP as it suggests he’s tight and will rope you into caring for his kids sooner rather than later.

Dozer · 01/09/2025 14:38

Yes, can’t help wondering whether his ex wife did more of the parenting while he worked long hours.

DirtyBird · 01/09/2025 17:13

I used to work 60+ hours a week and always found at least 15 minutes for a quick call and definitely a minute here and there for a text. Breaks at work, lunch time, on the way to and from work... there's always a minute to make contact.

So it if he really wanted to he would.

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