This must mean NC was the right thing to do?

[LondonLady1980]

It been over 5 months now since I last saw my mum and I feel completely nonchalant about it.

In that time period I have sent her one text
message (a nice one), to which she replied to nastily.

I have also let her see the grandchildren once when she asked to, which my husband navigated so I wouldn’t have to see her.

During the 5 months she has lied about me and bad mouthed me to family members to make me the bad guy and her the victim, as well as saying some quite unpleasant things about me.

When we first fell out five months ago, when I dared talk back to her about the way she was treating me, I never thought it would end up like this.

But the last 5 months, along with 10 counselling sessions, have really opened my eyes to the toxic relationship we had, going all the way back to my childhood.

When I talk to people about it they almost seem horrified that I don’t miss seeing her, or that I don’t feel regret about what has happened, or that I don’t want to resolve it etc, I almost feel like I’m being judged for allowing the relationship to break down.

But surely my nonchalance is the biggest sign it was the right thing to do? It makes sense to me that if we had a relationship that meant something, or was meaningful or worth fighting for, then I would want to do that?

But I feel nothing.

Part of me is worried though that although I feel nonchalant now, what happens if a year down the line I do feel regret and then it’s too late?

When I talk to people about it

who are these people that aren’t the sharpest tool in the box?

I wouldn’t want someone like this around my children, ever

I would presume it's generally people who have a good relationship with their own parents who would be horrified, as they don't have any lived experience and can't envisage ever being NC with their DPs. I've been lucky enough to have a very good and loving relationship with my DPs and siblings and when I first read these threads, being NC is a completely alien concept to me. I can however accept that some people have awful relationships and may not want to be in contact for whatever reason.

I would also presume these people you talk to aren't particularly good friends if they know how you've been treated and still are horrified.

I have a very very good relationship with my parents

it doesn’t take experience of abuse to listen to someone say that their mother was abusive throughout their childhood and into adulthood and so you have cut them off - and not be horrified that they’re ok with itb

Alot of people don’t understand having to go NC with a parent. They have been blessed with a healthy relationship with their parents. You’ll have to learn to ignore them. Sounds like you are feeling relief at the moment for having distanced yourself and for taking care of yourself. Your feelings might change down the line but that won’t mean this isn’t the right decision for you. I had guilt for years for having chosen to remove that toxicity from my life - that’s just the person I am. I’d just been trained to put others needs ahead of my own. Just enjoy the peace for the moment!!

I've found often that people with tricky parents who wish they could go NC but don't think it's possible are often the most baffled at people who can.

People with excellent parents can more often see the stark difference between your parents and theirs.

You've made the right decision for you.

You've made the decision so not sure why you're discussing it with other people? If course they will have an opinion, it doesn't mean they're right, most people base their opinions on their own life experiences. Stop looking for validation/confirmation that you've done the right thing and own your decision. You don't need other people to tell you that you've done the right thing. It's your life, your choice.

You’ve become immune. I found it’s the best way to be, don’t second guess yourself but give yourself permission to feel the way you do. No guilt, no excuses 💪

Tell them to fuck off. Honestly I HAD to cut my mother off 2 years ago and got it off everyone the usual bollox of 'oh but shes your mum', you only get one mum etc etc ad nauseum. Yes and she was an abuse witch and not content with abusing me all my life she started on my kids and that was when I started using the line 'It ran in the family till it ran into me'. The cycle of abuse has stopped.

As someone who has been complete no contact with her father for nearly 36 years, you will find there will always be others who act horrified when they find out. If anything is said to me, I just reply 'I have good reasons, believe me' and leave it at that.

Also feeling nothing can also be your brain protecting you and shutting feelings out so do be aware of that.

If you feel better being NC then it's worth it (i did the same with no regrets... The peace I gained!)

That nothing you feel is relief. You just don't want to give a name to it.

Also, don't let her have contact with your children. Are you insane! She treated you like crap and there is nothing to say she won't do the same to them.

No contact is precisely that. There should be no more text messages from you to she nor should your h facilitate your kids going to see her. You all need to stay away from her!.

If you feel as you do now then this was and will likely remain the right decision for you. Your mother was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed in all the years since. Ignore people who say things to try and doubt your resolve; they did not live your childhood.

The truism here is that if a parent or relative is too toxic for you to deal with, it’s the same deal for the kids too.

I presume you only allowed contact out of some forlorn hope she would behave better this time around despite your own experience. They need to stay away from her, in fact you all do.

Well, when you speak to people, they struggle to empathise, because they think of parents all being the parents they have/had.
They picture that your parent brings the same joy, and comfort as theirs do/did.

They struggle to fathom a parent as someone who is abusive, unsafe or unkind.

That actually gets in their way of understanding your position, and will never truly understand.

I've had this for years, in fact I had one friend told me they didn't feel they could talk to me about their Dad's death, or even be around me because I didn't have a great relationship with my own father. But she was still living with her parents in her late 30s, they had a multi generational home. Her Dad was a great father, great grandfather, great husband who was gentle and loving... my father was an alcoholic not allowed around me as a child because of how aggressive he was in drink, who disappeared to a different country so he didn't need to pay child maintenance and told me, he would have never come back if he wasn't disabled and unable to support himself, repeatedly whilst asking me to help him...and I did, repeatedly. I only cut contact when I realised that he was using heroin, and actually was telling people how to break into my house, shed and car. They'd know when I was out, what was worth taking and where it was.

Pay attention to how you feel and that's all that matters.

My advise to be not to speak to people about it. Or at least not to people who are likely not to understand

Thank you everyone.

Sadly I’m surrounded by people who appear to have lovely relationships with their parents (especially mother and daughter and relationships), so my situation probably does seem alien to them.

For decades I’ve let everyone believe that me and my mum also had the perfect “mother and daughter” and relationship so this really has come out the blue to a lot of people. I have never spoke out about the reality of my childhood, or how she continued to treat me as an adult, so to everyone on the outside she’s a lovely woman, just as normal as the next mother.

To be fair though, it’s only over the last 6 months that I’ve been able to recognise that the way she behaved towards me during my childhood (and adult years) have been abusive in nature, so it isn’t as thought I was hiding it from people, I just though the way she behaved toward me was normal.

The only reason I let her see the children was because it was one of their birthdays and she had a gift for them. They went to her house for about twenty minutes and my husband stayed there the whole time, I wouldn’t let her be alone with the children.

Yes, perceptive.

OP, slightly oblivious or (often) inexperienced people will be surprised r shocked.

But in your case it may be because you have not allowed people to see the reality (because you didn't recognise it yourself) and so you spoke warmly of her. People have to make a considerable mental readjustment.

If you feel almost cheery now, nonchalant you said, at no-contact, then assuming you have warm and loving relationships with other people then it's because it's long been time you renegotiated your relationship.

It may be that 10 -15 years down the line you and she can rebuild something. It may be you can't. Will depend on you, will depend on her. Maybe you're done.

I could have written the same thing many years ago. You’re probably going to mentally unpacking lot of things over the next few years.

Don’t feel you have to explain yourself to people. Have simple sentences ready like “Ah, that’s between me and her.” or “It’s a delicate situation I’d rather not talk about” or “It’s a long, complicated story.”

Unpack it privately and anonymously (journaling, therapy, chatgpt, other people who understand NC and all it entails) and eventually you’ll get to a place of confidence in both who you are and in your decision.

In my experience, people who are horrified when you're estranged from a parent fall into one of the following categories:

1. Those who have easy, happy, supportive relationships with their family & can't imagine anything else
2. Those who have difficult relatives, but also enough reasonable relatives who recognise the difficulties, so that everyone is supported to deal with the tricky behaviour, and nobody is made to feel like they're going mad. These people think 'everyone has difficult relatives' but don't understand what it's like to have no family support in dealing with them.
3. Those who are the perpetually downtrodden scapegoats in their own families and can't imagine another way of being
4. Those who are the needy, entitled, controlling, aggressive people in their own families

When I became estranged from my parent, I was tormented by guilt for a couple of years before I arrived at the state of nonchalance. If I were you I would enjoy the peace.

Your mother got what she wanted; your h bringing your kids there all too readily . Do not fall for such hoovering attempts again from your mother. They do not need birthday gifts (which are often loaded with obligations) from abusers like your mother.

NAPAC could be beneficial to you as they work with people who have been abused in childhood.

Do not try to justify argue defend or explain your no contact decision. Many people do not get it due to them not being able to see beyond the end of their nose.