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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do I trust him ?

17 replies

Blue3bobbin · 01/09/2025 02:40

My husband and I have been together a very long time and we have had our share of ups and downs but even after over 2 decades we have never separated . My husband has struggled with a gambling addiction in his past and during that time he lied to me to protect his path.
we worked through his addiction and his lies .

last month he lied to me once again only about something small but when I found out about it (he didn’t come to me I found out) he openly apologised saw the error of his ways and once again we moved on . This has caused me to open up old wounds and I do struggle now to trust him so I am finding myself question everything he does .

last week agin he’s lied and I I know hes lied to me . He did a good deed for someone and I found out by reading a message on his phone ( I know I should as it’s private but I suspected he wasn’t were he was ment to be and when I questioned him he lied to me and this was confirmed when I read the message on his phone ) . The problem is without telling him I had read his phone I have no way to confront him . I know for sure he’s lied and since discovering the message only yesterday he has deleted the same message . The good deed he did was for another women which again makes me even more upset as to why he is hiding it . Deleting the message and being secretive . I know he’s not cheating on me he’s just too nice for his own good to say no for doing a good deed . But why lie ?

My question is how can I ask him to reveal the truth to me ? Am I right in thinking he must be lying about other things that I don’t know about ? Am I being played for a mug? Will he keep on lying to me and hiding it from me , how do I get him to stop? It’s only over stupid things but why lie at all ? Should I be worried ?
I have nobody to talk to about this and it’s keeping me up at night thinking about it ?
thanks for reading and any advice in advance

OP posts:
Rightandwrong · 01/09/2025 02:51

I'm sorry OP but of course you can't trust him because you know he is a liar. That's who he is. He won't change.

I'm surprised you are so adamant his relationship with this woman is innocent given his track record of deceit - lying about where he was and deleting her messages can hardly be innocent.

How will you ever know that he is telling the truth even if you challenge him because his default position is lying?
I'm sorry OP but I don't see how this relationship is sustainable.

Ahsheeit · 01/09/2025 06:19

Apart from the gambling, I was married to a liar. Note the "was". You won't find peace as long as you're with him as you can't trust him. Was with mine for 20 years, now 10 years down the line and have chosen a peaceful, single life.

AgentJohnson · 01/09/2025 08:18

You haven’t separated in twenty years because you can’t accept that you are married to habitual liar. There are no consequences to his lies (you not trusting him doesn’t phase him) because you stay married. Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop must be exhausting.

Bittenonce · 01/09/2025 13:17

I’m sorry to say it - but habitual liars won’t change. Even if he did - you’d never be sure, you’d always worry. And if you confront him, will he just lie again?

Blue3bobbin · 05/09/2025 00:41

Does anyone know how I can confront him without admitting to him that I know for sure he’s lied ?

It’s not black and white I can’t walk away as we have kids involved all going through very important things right now at crucial ages . I can’t do that to them .

OP posts:
Whiskeypot · 05/09/2025 00:55

Doesn't mean he's up to no good. Is it perhaps that he's worried about your reaction and so it's easier to lie?
Not condoning his behaviour. My ex lied for that very reason but sadly for him I always caught him out as he wasn't that smart! It wasn't serious things even but the trust was gone. Ironically, the lies were always worse than the actual things he did. Sometimes it wasn't even a lie but an omission and he'd still get caught.
I'd wait a week and then make out that someone saw him and see his reaction. Don't say who if he asks. After all why should you tell who supposedly saw him if he couldn't be honest in the first place. Then ask him why he lied.

Omgblueskys · 05/09/2025 06:54

Op why do you want to confront him why? You know that's all that matters, he will try and talk himself out of any confrontation about said lie, so why bother,

You have said ' there's nothing you can do right now about this '
You know he lies, your going to have to live like this never really knowing, never being reassure from him, always doubting

PersephoneParlormaid · 05/09/2025 06:58

You’re letting him get away with it time after time, and he knows he will, so he won’t change.
You need to decide what you want. If you’re staying with him no matter what, then you need to let it go for your own sake, stop looking for the lies.

GreyCarpet · 05/09/2025 07:06

Blue3bobbin · 05/09/2025 00:41

Does anyone know how I can confront him without admitting to him that I know for sure he’s lied ?

It’s not black and white I can’t walk away as we have kids involved all going through very important things right now at crucial ages . I can’t do that to them .

What are you hoping to achieve by confronting him?

I really do understand the need for 'proof' before you end a relationship but you have had proof that he lies many times.

It's generally not a good idea to check someone's phone but you checked because you had suspicions. Not because you're paranoid but because you, what? Recognised a pattern of behaviour you've seen before? Something didn't add up? It was confirmed he wasn't where he said he was?

If you confronted him and he denied it, would it change the truth? If you confronted him and he admitted it, would you leave then?

Do you want a tearful apology that would make you feel heard, understood and safe again until next time?

I'd work backwards from the outcome you want.

If you're going to stay with him regardless, then there's little point in confronting him.

If you'd leave him if he admitted it, then you already know the truth.

If he tells you she's 'just a friend', then why lie about helping her? Or do you just want to hear a lie you can 'accept'?

Tbh in your shoes, I think I'd be at the stage where I'd just be honest and tell him I'd looked.

"I looked at your phone because I know you weren't where you said you were. Given you have a history of lying, I wanted to see for myself and you had, indeed, lied," or similar. But you need to know what you want the outcome to be before you do.

But if you confront him without admitting you know the truth, he's just going to lie to you again. Because he's a liar.

Tbh, this is all theoretical because I'd have walked away a long time before now.

Zanatdy · 05/09/2025 07:06

the question is why does he feel the need to lie? My dad used to do a lot of good deeds for people, and sometimes he did hide it from my mum as she would make comments about how people take advantage / he’s a soft touch etc. If you don’t think he is having an affair, then consider why he feels the need to hide this good deed. People generally lie to avoid other people’s reactions, or they are hiding something.

Didimum · 05/09/2025 07:10

Just tell him you know what he did. You don’t have to reveal your sources.

Sounds like an awful marriage.

PersephoneParlormaid · 05/09/2025 07:49

My DH lies to me, not affair type lies, usually about money or little things that don’t really matter. Unfortunately it breeds resentment, and our ‘relationship’ is now one of house mates, and I’m married to a man who I don’t believe.

lonelyplanetmum · 05/09/2025 07:52

Poor you. It’s horrid when your closest person lies. If you are fixed that you want to challenge it- you could just say your instincts/ a little bird/ third party told you.

Overall I completely agree with Whiskeypot’s comments based on experience with my ex.

  1. It does not mean he’s up to no good. For most people lying to your spouse requires a significant reason, but I don’t think that’s always the case.
  2. Being worried about ‘getting grief’ seems to be the reason why some partners lie. It’s ridiculous, as the lying is often worse than the underlying thing and causes more grief.

I think sometimes male arrogance is a factor, a sort of I am autonomous being justification. As if they need to prove that no- one controls them. Almost as if they see marriage as a battle for freedom and not really about partnership. The lying and power from hidden knowledge makes them feel autonomous.

My ex reminded me of Boris Johnson who was around at the same time - for example remember the partygate lies? It seemed to me that both my ex, and the then PM, just didn’t see shifting stories as I did. There is an arrogance behind the stories…first of all ‘ there was no party’, ‘ there may have been a party but I wasn’t there’ , ‘ there was no party it was a business meeting’, etc

Looking back I think my ex had a male arrogance combined with underlying self esteem issues, and he didn’t like feeling ‘small’. (He was short too.) Somehow knowing things that other people didn’t made him feel bigger, and more empowered. But the problem is that if you focus on disproving the lies ( as I did) that makes them feel even smaller when caught out.

My friend, who is a therapist, told me to just let it go, let him have the lie. However I just couldn’t. It’s also confusing for the children when their father said things which weren’t true in their presence, and then the lying just goes unchecked.

Anyway the psychoanalysis and possible explanations are not a good excuse, but it may help you see that he may not be concealing something significant.

What is he like overall as a partner? Are there any plus points otherwise?

it’s very hard for someone who hasn’t experienced it to understand how you can have an apparently normal domestic family life, interrupted by an episode of something that just doesn’t add up. It’s very disorientating.

Drowningincokezero · 05/09/2025 08:26

Receive a thank you from the woman that he did the good deed for, a little note or mention through a friend or a phonecall taken for him. If he's prepared to lie then I would loosen my own morals on this, too 🤷. Tell him she's pleased with his help and let him react.

Freeme31 · 05/09/2025 11:35

Don’t also lie to him tell him the truth you looked at his phone & apologise if he sees you being open & honest the hope is he can be too. When confronting him keep calm and open as possible tell him how it has made you feel and what the consequences may be if he continues to hide things from you. Perhaps use gentle words like “hide” rather than “lie”. Ask/get him to open up about why he does this, perhaps ask him to try counselling. Good luck

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/09/2025 11:51

It’s precisely because of the kids you should now walk away from your gambler liar of a husband.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Staying for the sake of the kids is a statement that for not stack up, you’ve stayed for your own reasons and nothing to do with them.

You’re in a destructive and codependent relationship with him . The damage here being done to your kids as a result of you both being together now is incalculable.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/09/2025 11:58

People lie also to get out of trouble.

There is never a good time to leave and there will always be something that crops up for the kids like exams etc. That is still no reason or basis to remain with him, that has been your choice to do so.

What do you think your children are learning from you both about relationships?

You cannot go on as you are doing because the relationship is really built on shifting sand.

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