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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to leave a relationship when you are financially dependent on someone

9 replies

Susa1 · 31/08/2025 23:08

I need away from my partner I’ve had enough of him. He is someone that shouldn’t drink as he’s nasty with it but he continues. He stops after he causes so much trouble then slowly starts again a few cans every other night till again tonight he’s drank all day and still going. The nasty comments are coming and he knows we are up early and he’s got music on full blast. Telling me he’s going up town etc we have just moved house and got builders coming tomorrow and he’s shouting upto me every few minutes how I better cancel them as if they come he will be telling them to F off etc I can’t take this life with him anymore. We’ve no doors the now as they are away been stripped and the music is so loud with him singing along so I can’t sleep. How do I leave someone that I am financially dependent on? He owns this house not me even tho put a lot of money in.

OP posts:
Beebrave · 31/08/2025 23:22

So sorry you had to deal with this. I understand your frustration, I can only advice you to be brave and come up with a hard plan. I use to be in your exact position and with young children in the mix, I realised I needed a 10 year plan to leave him. This is Year 7. I am no longer dependent on him financially and building a career. 3 more years and I am finally out!

Please come up with a plan. I had a 10 year plan and it is almost here

Susa1 · 31/08/2025 23:25

Yes this is what I am thinking. I am thinking of doing courses in beauty treatments to work for myself and have my own income and build up credit score and money to leave. He’s vile down there now singing at the top of his lungs then tomorrow it will be all the sorrys he’s not drinking again etc till the following week. I am so annoyed at myself I had my own house a full time job everything before I met him now I have nothing.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 31/08/2025 23:35

Can you go back to working full time again? Save a deposit for a house. When you shop get £50 cashback every time and save it all up. It doesn't show on bank statement.it just looks like shopping cost more. Save up a fuck off fund.

Susa1 · 31/08/2025 23:41

I have a child to him who’s non verbal and autistic. I had to give up work to be here for her. She’s now at nursery half the day so trying to think how to earn money during that time.

OP posts:
summitfever · 31/08/2025 23:47

Op go to citizens advice and see about getting a house and benefits for you and your child to get away in the first instance. Get you and them safe then build from there. This will be doing your child no good. Also check out support groups for families of alcoholics, they are a godsend and other people who are in similar situations or through the other side will help you. Money will be tight for a bit but you’ll manage. Men like this make me sick, I was married to one, wish I’d left 15 years sooner I’d rather have struggled for money than struggled with him

Jasrai · 31/08/2025 23:53

Try Money Savings Expert:
https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/

Lots of info on building your credit rating etc

Susa1 · 01/09/2025 02:39

I am leaving him 100%. Going to call the housing to get on the list and see what benefits I am entitled to until I get on my feet. He went out at like 12 I saw him on a escort site so probably that’s where he’s went and I don’t even care.

OP posts:
Jimmyneutronsforehead · 01/09/2025 03:16

Claim DLA for your child, and tell the nursery that you will be applying for DLA, and ask them to help you evidence all of the ways that your child is developmentally different from other children, requiring more care.

Non-verbal autism (whilst still hard to claim for) is quite easy to document. It can come under the SMI criteria as well as the VUW criteria if they cannot follow instructions for their own safety, needing restraint like holding hands, carrying, or requiring a pushchair when out in public

If she wakes in the night you need to start documenting that now, frequency, when she goes to sleep, when she wakes up, and why you need to be awake with her. Make nursery aware every single time if she's had poor sleep so that they can also verify that she has nightly care needs too.

There is no age limit to claim DLA, so even at her young age you absolutely can.

This money needs paying to you. You can use this money to appropriately house your child, meaning it can go towards household costs and bills if that is what's needed, as it also covers the gap in earnings because it is well known parents of disabled children often have to reduce or give up work completely.

Then, claim carers allowance, as well as universal credit, and let them know you're separating from an abusive man, make sure that you get the child element as well as the disabled child element.

If you're not married and the house is in his name, that doesn't necessarily mean that you won't get anything out of the house if you can evidence you've contributed to the sale of the house or put any money towards renovations, however you will need to speak to a solicitor about this, and that will ultimately cost money so it depends how much you've spent, but you might be able to get half an hour free to discuss whether it's possible to recoup any costs from your partner or whether you want to just see it as spoils of war and let it go.

Speak to womens aid too, as well as IDAS. IDAS can help do a risk assessment for you, they will then take your case to a MARAC meeting, basically a multidisciplinary meeting, where you're assessed to see whether you can have priority social housing, you might need to make a social housing application first, but they'll discuss this with you. - I will say that IDAS are extremely helpful, however they're not always fantastic at contacting you back, so you may have to keep contacting them and being pro-active if they're not calling you when they say they will. This is from my own experience and experience supporting a friend leaving an abusive situation. They might ask you if you're able to move to temporary accomodation, and in your circumstances, I would do absolutely everything possible to go ahead with that.

If he is your childs father, make sure you go through CMS for child maintenance too.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 01/09/2025 03:19

I've had skin in this game OP, so if you want to ask any questions my inbox is open.

I also have a high needs significantly speech delayed autistic child though, so I can't promise fast replies, but happy to help where I can.

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