Is there really a world in which this *isn't* a terrible idea?

[Vascodegammon]

I've a really close friend - really close. After my mum died a few years ago she's been almost like a mum to me. She's in her 60s, I'm in my late 40s. Her kids were grown and lived away when we first met, so I only knew them via my friend, if that makes sense.

One daughter moved back near her parents a couple of years ago so I've got to know her more as she's been around more, we got on well and have a fair bit in common etc. And then last week she (daughter) told me had feelings for me. It threw me completely because I've never thought of her in that way. In my head she's always been 'friend's daughter'. I responded in probably quite a confused and clumsy way and basically said no way. She's messaged now a few days later to say she's sorry to land that on me, but also that shed spoken to her mum before saying anything to me because she felt uncomfortable too, but her mum had said that if there was ever anything between us she'd be really happy.

Daughter is lovely, and I think that I'd probably date her in a heartbeat if I wasn't friends with her mum.The follow-up message has really thrown me, seems like neither friend nor daughter see the problem I do.

I don't have anyone irl to discuss it with - is dating the daughter of a really valued friend very obviously a bad idea, or am I overthinking and potentially turning down a lovely thing?

It depends how open and mature you can be in your communication if it does not work out, and whether you will feel obliged to make it work out.

The other thing is that if you say no, and the daughter at some point begins to date someone else, how would you feel about that?

I don’t know, I have been single a long time and I think good people who you want to get to know romantically are not ten a penny.

sorry I am editing to add one note of caution - just because the daughter has instigated the date and she is your friend’s daughter also does not mean that she will want to continue the relationship with you, she too might change her mind - just in case you have a bit of a false sense of security because of the overture from her

It would be so difficult to start a relationship without you or the daughter being super-aware of your friend. Neither of you would want to confide in her, or even worse, if one of you was tempted to overshare, it could be incredibly awkward for all 3 of you.

Did you at least tell her why or just reject outright

I was very taken aback and not very articulate, but did say something about it feeling odd and that she was like family

Which I think she recognised because of her message afterwards

Yes, exactly this. She is very close to her mum. And it would change the dynamic with my friend too, because she's the one I confide in and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that about her daughter.

I think that if you start a relationship with respect and care for both of them, you can find a way forward without losing the friendship. Go for it, if you want to.

Relationships and friendships can go bad for a whole host of reasons but the potential end isn’t, in my opinion, a reason not to try! People become very close to their partner’s parents AFTER they have been together for a long time so why not when they’re close from before? There’s nothing weird in the dynamic for those who become close to their partner’s parents during their relationship and no reason the friendship can’t outlast the relationship if parties are amicable.

Only question here for me is do you want to date her/do you fancy her? If so, then life’s too short to throw away a chance at happiness for possible future scenarios

I'm surprised by these positive responses and trying to understand my own.

I think I'm struggling to mentally take her out of the daughter-of-my-friend zone.

And worried that my friend is just thinking of some kind of fairy tale ending where we end up as one big happy family. My last relationship ended a bit messily - it feels like I'd lose an awful lot if this went the same way.

Honestly I wouldn't go there unless you truly believe she is the one. These people are like family and I would be reluctant to jeopardise that unless I knew this person was for me (most of us know when we feel the real deal).

Well, you certainly should not override or ignore your own reservations because of what people post on here. What matters is how you feel about it.

Oh god no. Far too close for comfort. Unless you desperately want to date this woman I'd step well back.

Well, no. Its more that I was doubting my reservations because people around me and on here didn't seem to see what I thought were obvious issues!

Usually my process would be to very casually date for a bit without any expectations of a LTR and see where it goes. And I think her's is the same, and she is keen to do that now. But even that feels risky for me.