Can’t seem to communicate / narc traits..

[Thanksforchattingagain]

I can’t seem to communicate with my husband and it’s really getting me down.
I feel when I try to communicate how I feel I get a defensive response or I get a response which compares what I do. “ but you do xyz” rather than dealing with the issue of what I am trying to address.

i get the response “you are over reacting” or “I don’t agree with you”

I end up tongue tied and not able to get my points across.

also he is often in a mood and when I say this to him he denies being in said mood. It’s hard to prove someone is grumpy and moody and he ends up denying it and telling me things true.

im not sure what I’m asking but feel I’m going mad. :(

I have no advice but this is very much my situation. Additionally I would then be subjected to a moody sulk for a day or two and then he would suddenly go back to normal as if nothing ever happened. As a result nothing has ever got resolved, he has never taken accountability for a single thing and therefore the issues/behaviour that caused the disagreement have never been addressed and nothing has changed. I find it easy to communicate with others and it's actually a key part of my job but with him it's impossible. I don't bother these days and mostly bite my tongue as know it's pointless. Like you said, I also end up getting tongue tied when I try even though this isn't something I experience in other situations like at work even when it involves involves conflict. He then weaponises the tongue tie back at me as evidence that I either don't have a point or he literally mocks the way I've said something and stumbled over my words. So I don't have any advice, but I am in the process of leaving him so at least I know this won't be a problem for much longer for me. I hope others will be along with more useful advice.

It is unlikely that he treats his work colleagues or other people in the outside world like this so this abusive treatment is all reserved for you. His moodiness is an example of emotional abuse and he tries to gaslight you as well.

I would consider seeking legal advice with a view to divorce. Such men do not change.

Thank you, I also do not have any problems communicating with anyone else too and have been successful in this area of my life yet with him I feel utterly confused!
I have spoken to him before about him leaving and also he knows I am thinking about leaving my job. Today he said to me that I would need to think about any decisions I make about my job as if I want him to leave I would need to carry on working. I said so you are saying of if I leave my job then I can’t leave (without finding another) and he said I was putting words in his mouth. For context he has said I can leave my job and that’s ok. However he has now said that if I then ask him to leave and leave my job I would need to consider things more for me.

hard to explain really!

He has a great way of turning things around so I end up feeling bad too. I said I was going f to cook scrambled egg the other day but it always sticks to the pan so he offered to do it. He then proceeded to fry the egg then chop it up. I said thanks but I’m not keen on fried egg and asked for scrambled and we then had a ten minute debate on the cooking of the egg!! He said “it’s an egg” was arguing about what was different between scrambling and frying. My daughter came in and said dad why would you have different eggs in restaurants if they were not cooked and tasting different?
he just stared at me blank.
it’s so hard to explain and I realise sounds odd!

It doesn’t sound odd. This is what people like your husband do. It’s so hard to see accept it’s batshit because we think people are normal and see things in a normal way and when they deny reality we think ‘oh shit, they’re seeing things in a normal way, this must be the truth’.
But it’s not, it’s all made up. It’s all stories! It’s all bollocks so they can get what they want.
You know what real, call him out every time.

Do not leave your job. You'd be mad to become financially dependent on someone who is abusing you mentally.

Yes I replied that would not be leaving my job now. I felt it sounded odd as it’s such a silly story about the way an egg was cooked. But it was so odd the way he fried it and then tried to tell me he had scrambled it even though I was watching. I believe he fried it as he said his scrambled egg does t stick to the pan and I asked him to show me. So he fried the egg as he was worried it would stick. Gosh this all sounds so silly! But then when I asked why he was frying the eggs he denied this and said it’s just an egg. I had to keep arguing to get him to admit he fried them.
its exhausting!

He also said he wasn’t weaponising
e leaving my job but I said it felt like he was. Letting me know if I want him to leave then o needed to think about my decision to leave work sounded very much the threat to me

I think you need to consider the possibility that he's just thick and literally can't understand your point of view. I suspect that's the case with my DP sometimes. For example, he really seems to struggle to understand that his words might be interpreted differently than he intended and he also seems to not understand subtext.

Edit: just read the egg story...yeah, I think he might be a bit dim

No, he knows exactly what he is doing here. He is trying to gaslight you op and this is a type of psychological abuse.

Your dd and you need to get away from him. He is no decent role model of a man to her let alone a father.

He isn’t dim quite intelligent I would say however I suspect may be neurodivergent.
I am trying to take notes and observe more as to whether I think he is doing this on purpose or not. It’s a difficult one to know!

No he is not nd but intelligent and manipulative. ND does not equal abuse and even if it did it’s still no excuse for his actions towards you. He does not talk to his work colleagues or people in the outside world like he does to you.

Abuse is about power and control. You are the frog in the pan of water here and he is boiling you alive.

There are quite a few reasons I see nd but I do wonder about manipulation so yes I will carry on taking notes and keeping my eyes open. It’s very difficult to see when you are in it but talking here helps thanks

Have a look at the traits of a covert narcissist. You’ll probably recognise some in relation to your H. My STBXH certainly has some and our relationship sounds similar to yours.

Start googling narcissists, look on instagram loads of people describe it really well. The egg thing I totally get, and this is the type of thing my ex husband did that sent me quite literally mentally ill from sheer frustration. The exhaustion from dealing with someone like this is not to be underestimated and it’s all part of their mind games and manipulation. I don’t believe for one minute it’s unintentional, but if we’re saying for arguments’ sake that he doesn’t realise he’s being vile - does that mean you should put up with it indefinitely?

Thank you. I think the most telling think and has made me think is the fact that no one has said my egg example is silly or me over thinking. That’s what I thought I would be told. I have so many more examples of this kind of thing. I’m just so confused as I thought he was a good guy but it’s like I have seen him on a different light the past few years and it’s hard to know what I think now!
He also has a tendency to twist my words and hang on a specific word I may use.
couples counselling was awful as the counselling made it worse as I felt I wasn’t listening to in the sessions too.

He does admit he finds it difficult to admit he has done things wrong and accept responsibility for his actions. In his defence he is on private counselling at my request to deal with his childhood / critical mother etc. she has said he lacks empathy due to this and he admits he finds it hard to be empathetic.

I have been in a very similar situation and sometimes it’s impossible to make sense of it all in your head or work down whether you am really are misinterpreting or overreacting as they continuously tend to suggest.

I have actually found it helpful for my sanity to play back the situations to chatGPT and ask it to analyse and red flag behaviours, toxic patterns or rhetoric.

its helped me realise this is not a me issue and provided me with language and explanations for what I’m seeing play out in front of me without thinking I’m going mad or am the problem person in the relationship…

Gosh that’s a good idea if I can work out what to do lol

Some of this resonated with me. My DH is broadly a good man, but seems to have an issue admitting he’s wrong - particularly when he feels like I might be criticising him, poor flower 😂 If it’s a silly domestic debate - eg fried eggs are the same as scrambled, I find it best to airily say ‘gosh this discussion is really very boring, never mind…’ and go get on with something else…

I agree I could do the above but it happens to often to be so blase.
inhave just put the egg convo into chat and omg it explains exactly how I am feeling!!
” Shows dismissiveness… lack of empathy.. invalidation “
wow!

Honestly? I'd not waste your energy trying to work out why he does it, or mulling it over, the net result is the same, in that you've got to live with it and he doesn't seem capable of any self reflection. You need to decide if you want to live like this or you do not.

The egg situation doesn't sound silly, it's exactly the kind of bullshit that makes you feel like you're going totally insane, and if and when you get out, years down the line you'll remember it and still wonder what the fuck he was on about, it won't make any more sense no matter how much you ponder upon it.

My ex of seven years was like this. Finally left him and now I’m with someone who takes accountability and gives a shit about my feelings. I still remember the first time he said sorry after I complained about something minor he’d done, I literally opened my mouth with shock. There’s a better life out there for you.

i would now start considering how to plan my exit from this marriage. He does this because he can and has learnt this works for him.

Is he keeping up with the counselling?. He’s really a walking red flag here with his critical mother. The rotten apple that is he did not fall far from the rotten tree. And narcissistic types have no empathy.

I know it’s easy to leave but I’m still trying to come to terms with what’s probably going on. We have two kids and i feel as though the rug has been pulled from under me.
I think it I were with someone who apologised some things I would cry! I think that would also make me realise how much damage has been done.
its always my fault though for being over the top or over reacting and I suppose I have on some level believes this although I have struggled with this as I argue back as I am also so angry about being accused of this.
it can be anything from asking him to put his plate away (the response being “well you leave yours there”) to asking him a simple question and getting a snappy response.

om scared to ask him to leave as I don’t know what to do

He wants to make it your fault because that is what abusers do. It’s always someone else’s fault, never their own.

Be brave here and seek legal advice as knowledge here is also power. Your kids cannot afford to grow up having their dad continue to treat you, and in turn them, like this.

What do you yourself want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?