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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this the ‘norm’?

19 replies

Mumoftwojune · 31/08/2025 15:15

Married 12 years. 2 kids, 11 & 8.

Our relationship seems to be based on being moody with each other, sat in misery most evenings watching TV, not really communicating other than practical / child issues but then, equally we can decide to stop being silly and be happy and normal for a few weeks. This is always short lived and inevitably reverts back to the misery.

I think there were red flags early on in the relationship that meant we weren’t compatible but I got swept up in what I envisioned for us.
There have been some pretty damaging things happen between us and I think the present is resentments on both sides.

A friend recently suggested this is normal married life. Thoughts?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 31/08/2025 15:22

Well it doesn't sound like a relationship I'd want to be in.

I wouldn't imagine it's usual either. Most people at least like the person they are married to and enjoy spending time with them rather than being filled with resentment and moody.

It doesn't sound much fun, tbh.

Rightandwrong · 31/08/2025 15:38

If it's normal married life for some doesn't mean it is something you have to accept as normal for you.
It sounds a pretty miserable way to live actually.
Have you talked to your partner in a non blaming way as to how he feels about things? Because perhaps he is also dissatisfied about how your lives are?
I feel you really need to discuss how you are both feeling and if you cant agree on a way forward that enhances your relationship then you've got to think if it's worth continuing it.

Hollyluna · 31/08/2025 15:43

8 and 11? You need them out of the house so you can spend time discussing the issues, clearing the air and planning for what would suit you both. It can be difficult to resolve problems when DC are old enough to pick up signals but not old enough to leave you on your own. There were times when we needed an empty house and a row!

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 31/08/2025 15:46

I wouldn't say that this was the norm at all.

We've been married for 26 years and we rarely fall out.

Would marriage counselling be something you'd consider?

Crushed23 · 31/08/2025 15:55

In what way are you not compatible? Do you have any common interests that you can do together to get some of the spark back?

AnotherNaCha · 31/08/2025 16:40

Yes this was the norm for me and my ex. I’m much happier now he’s my ex

Original poster
Mumoftwojune · 31/08/2025 16:56

AnotherNaCha · 31/08/2025 16:40

Yes this was the norm for me and my ex. I’m much happier now he’s my ex

Thank you for the reply.
Do you have children? How has the split been, if you don’t mind me asking?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumoftwojune · 31/08/2025 17:05

Crushed23 · 31/08/2025 15:55

In what way are you not compatible? Do you have any common interests that you can do together to get some of the spark back?

Thank you for your reply.

In terms of compatibility, I don’t think it’s any one thing. I just think the way we are together speaks for itself.

We do have quite a few shared interests and have been away weekends just the two of us plenty of times but still we have these issues.

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 31/08/2025 17:09

What are the resentments? I don’t think is normal, no and agree that if you want it to work then marriage counselling is the obvious step so that you can address the resentment and work on your communication

ButSheSaid · 31/08/2025 17:17

People in real life aren't going to say 'yeah your life sounds miserable, why not divorce?' because that would be awkward.

Marriage is for enhancing your life, making it easier and fun. Otherwise what's the point?

Your kids will aspire to this when they're adults Sad

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 31/08/2025 17:22

Not normal, no.

Jasrai · 31/08/2025 17:27

It sounds like you don't communicate and there's no intimacy. Have you considered having an open conversation where you hash it all out? Would it be an idea to book a few sessions with a counsellor so a third person can guide you? Even if you both decide you don't want to continue, you might be able to decide how to move forward.

mindutopia · 31/08/2025 17:56

No, definitely not the norm in a healthy relationship. We have dc similar ages (12 & 7). We are all busy with work and appointments and school runs and activities, so to be fair, Dh and I have dinner together (with the dc) and then we don’t see a whole lot else of each other. There is definitely no time for watching tv! I can’t remember the last time we watched any tv, over a year ago at least. But we genuinely love each other and enjoy spending time together. We get along well. He does annoy me on occasion, but generally happy and get along.

What if you both made more of an effort? If you have time for tv, you have time for lots of things. Sit and talk, play a board game, plan to redecorate a room together. If you don’t have childcare, find some time to meet up for lunch together. You do have to work at creating connection.

Betsy95 · 31/08/2025 18:02

I think this can happen, but I also don’t think it’s healthy for it to continue for a long time and can be really damaging.
if you are both holding on to resentment over things then it will inevitably create this atmosphere.
We all get disappointed, hurt or upset, it’s whether you can forgive and move past it.

i do think though there’s a point when it can get beyond repair, or whatever’s been said and done just isn’t fixable.

You need a frank conversation and then maybe perhaps some space apart to mull it over.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/08/2025 18:02

That sounds like only one couple I know and they’re pretty awful to be around. No one has a clue why they’re still together, no kids, pots of cash, and bloody miserable, resentful and contemptuous of each other. She often tells people it’s normal and just how marriage is. It’s not.

I feel sure there’s another couple out there as unhappy as they are and if only they’d each met the other better person for them first it could have been so much happier all round.

The thing is OP, even if it was normal you wouldn’t be obliged to accept it. Would everyone else being as unhappy make your situation better? I doubt it.

LeftieRightsHoarder · 31/08/2025 18:09

No no no no no. It’s not the norm, OP, it’s an unhappy marriage of incompatible people.

I respect the advice here from PP. on how to improve your communication and your relationship. But if you try that and if doesn’t help, please get out, for your children’s sake as well as your own.

Growing up with parents who basically don’t like each other is heartbreaking, and (in my experience) the children are likely to grow up with depression or worse problems.

Hoppy34 · 31/08/2025 18:21

I could have written this! Married for 10.5yrs and same aged kids.
I’ve tried and tried to make it work, we talk it out (well I do, he barely says anything as he is incapable of holding a deep conversation) we try and makes changes but ultimately it goes back to how it was again.
We live like house mates that don’t even really like each other - all conversations are very surface level. Things in the past play a part and resentment on both sides has set in. Realistically we should have separated years ago but we kept trying to make it work. It doesn’t, we are different people.
We will be separating.

Original poster
Mumoftwojune · 31/08/2025 18:41

Hoppy34 · 31/08/2025 18:21

I could have written this! Married for 10.5yrs and same aged kids.
I’ve tried and tried to make it work, we talk it out (well I do, he barely says anything as he is incapable of holding a deep conversation) we try and makes changes but ultimately it goes back to how it was again.
We live like house mates that don’t even really like each other - all conversations are very surface level. Things in the past play a part and resentment on both sides has set in. Realistically we should have separated years ago but we kept trying to make it work. It doesn’t, we are different people.
We will be separating.

Thanks for your message. I’m sorry your situation is this way, too.

It’s heartbreaking isn’t it, as I really don’t want to break the family unit but as others have said maybe it’s more damaging for the kids to stay together.

I hope you find your happiness x

OP posts:
Beachtastic · 31/08/2025 19:31

It's not "the norm" and it's a shame that it's widely accepted that marriages should be crap.

My first marriage was like yours. My second one, blissfully contented.

This thread used to be pinned to the top of the Relationships board, and I wish it still was:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Right, listen up everybody. | Mumsnet

I shall say this only once. Actually, no I won't, I will keep repeating it until the message gets through. *Every* person deserves to have a relatio...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

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