Is it right to split up if you've just grown apart?

[17yearitch]

Over the last couple of years I've realised DH and I have gone in separate directions. We're more like flatmates than a couple.

We used to do so much together and enjoyed loads of shared activities. I'm sad things have changed over the years but I don't know if its worth trying or even possible to get back to how things were.

We've been together 17 years, married for 13 and have 2 primary aged DC. I asked to go to relationship counselling a few years ago but DH didn't want to. I did counselling on my own which helped me a little but didn't help the marriage. We've had lots of heart to hearts about this, always initiated by me, but nothing ever changes. I don't know what other options to try if DH isnt willing. He seems to be happy to ignore the problems. What would you do in my shoes?

No idea but I feel similar. In my case 'partner' is depressed and avoids intimacy which is a lifelong issue, so I can't work out if it's about us and me or solely one for him.

There are so many practical and financial issues to consider here with kids involved, and I don't know where the line is between commitment and just chasing someone for more than they can offer.

It’s not wrong to split up because you have grown apart

We did. No animosity but we became more like room mates than a couple. We don’t regret it because neither of us were really happy but it’s a hard thing to do.

It just seems so sad, like throwing it all away

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs as so many people do. Read about the sunk costs fallacy and what it does to people in relationships.

You can change things op, but not on your own. Long term relationships take work and if only one of you is doing that? It won’t work.
I am a “fixer” (probably to my own detriment at times!) so I would say to him that I wanted to go to couples counselling. Is he happy with how things are? Perhaps he is. Perhaps he isn’t, but you aren’t. Something needs to change and if he isn’t prepared to change anything? You need to do what’s best for you.

Its not just the sunk costs although I can understand why that holds people back. Its the future for my family, how DC would react, the financial implications, the single-parenting. I wouldn't go into any of that lightly and just growing apart seems like an apathetic reason to separate. The first 6 years were really good. DC changed the dynamic but it was still mostly good until the last 3 or so years where I've felt increasingly on my own.

I can't get anywhere with DH while he is ignoring the issues. I am between a rock and a hard place and trying to work out the least damaging long term solution.

You can split, but you don’t have to. The whole point of marriage is that it endures through the boring years/difficult times, as well as enjoying the good. I would feel like a hypocrite if I divorced my husband just because I was bored.

However, your husband does need to communicate and be willing to do the work to keep the relationship alive. Honestly, I am a bit bored of our relationship at the moment, but we are both trying to make it work. That’s important.

I take inspiration from older couples I know who have been together for decades. They all have been through the good, the bad, and the boring, together.

(If a spouse is unfaithful/abusive then that is a different story).

What are you throwing away? You raised a child together, had good times together, can remain friends. My parents are split up but remained friends. There's nothing wrong with that and the past can't be changed. The good times were had, and the romantic part is gone. Nothing’s getting thrown away.

The rest of your life could be though if you spend it in a way that doesn't fulfil you.

Throwing away the life I hoped for and wanted? Is it possible to be happy in a marriage based on companionship and shared parenting?

But I think you wanted true romantic love for a lifelong arrangement? Because if you did then this isn't going to cut it and you ask if you can be happy but… you're not are you?

You know the answer to this but I suspect it is actually no. It's a shame for him yes, but it would be a shame for you if you lived the rest of your life not happy.

You could try it and give yourself a time set to see if you can be happy with this, and decide to split if not.

I wanted what we had to carry on. I don't expect sunshine and roses every day but I did expect teamwork, mutual respect, taking on things together and equality. I don't feel like I have any of that at the moment.

I mostly feel resentment and loneliness and being taken for granted. I'm wondering if its too late to change