TMI Sex help/advice required!

[Pinkfuzzyoctopus]

Hi all, new here and I’m hitting you all with a bit of a stinker. I’ve got a dilemma, well not so much a dilemma more of a concern. I was with my ex for over 20 years. We split up. I didn’t have sex for two years, didn’t have the time. I then met a lovely guy, we spent lots of time together, got on well, ended up having sex and I bled. I was mortified. I didn’t realise I was bleeding until he mentioned it. Honestly I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. The sex was spontaneous and not much foreplay was had so I assumed it was a tear. I kind of distanced myself from this guy but we have recently started meeting up again. I know we will end up having sex again and I am petrified that I may end up in the same situation again. I’m up to date with my smears and not long ago had an ultrasound on my uterus which came back clear. Anyone else had this happen after a period of celibacy? Sorry for oversharing guys, just want to know if someone else has had this happen 🤦🏼‍♀️ Thanks ☺️

@PolyCatlube is great and I agree it's for everyone but the lack of foreplay is a huge huge red flag. I'll assume a lack of orgasm too?

Isn’t foreplay a shared responsibility? If you’re just going to lie back, not initiate foreplay yourself, not tell your partner what you want them to do to you, not tell him you’re not ready to have full sex - well then aren’t you both 50% responsible for the bad sex?

(Not aimed at the OP, just the responses who are blaming this all on the partner).

@CloverAdrifttheres 100% a gendered element to it though, given that the external genetalia of a female need to be (in the vast majority of cases) stimulated to orgasm whereas PiV sex leads to orgasm in males. Ergo 'foreplay' is pretty essential to a pleasurable experience for a woman whereas it's 'additional' for a man.

Yeah no orgasm 😩 Just wham, bam, thank you mam with a bit of blood on the side 😂

With my previous partner, we were together a lot of years, we would always communicate what we wanted etc. Never had any problems with him, sexually, everything else was a problem but that’s a story for another day 😂 This guy though, it was just too quick and hurried to even begin to communicate. He was really caught up in the moment 🤦🏼‍♀️

Maybe he was nervous or is inexperienced. You need to have a conversation because he obviously doesn’t know much yet. That doesn’t mean he will be forever useless. What’s his previous experience like?

He was possibly nervous. His past experiences have mostly been flings with him being younger so maybe he is just inexperienced, I don’t know. I’m giving him another chance anyway. I’ll have a conversation with him and see how it goes.

The sex doesn’t sound great, why on earth would you want to repeat that?

Because he is a nice guy and maybe he was nervous, I don’t know. I will give him another chance and if it’s just as crap this time then I will have to call time.

Vaginal oestrogen could help. You may be able to get it from the pharmacy.

Yeah it is supposed to help but I can’t take it due to other medication I am on 😩 I would have went on it a while ago when the hot flushes were kicking my arse but I was advised against it.

You can use vaginal estrogen @Pinkfuzzyoctopus
From what you say this is 99% to be vaginal atrophy.

Lube isn't going to cut it to be honest.

How old are you?

If you're over 50 or post menopausal you can buy topical vaginal estrogen at a pharmacy. It's called Ovesse or Gina. Look it up.

I'd also advise you look into full (systemic) HRT as there are very few meds that contraindicate it- one of the few I know of are meds for/ if you have epilepsy. Nothing else, usually.

Being honest, if your vagina has shrunk (which it does post menopause) even the best foreplay in the world is not going to make it stretch again to how it was. The thing that works will be vaginal estrogen.

I am 38. Peri kicked in really early and I’ve been without a period for 18 months now with symptoms starting to ease.

I am on anti epileptic meds. My consultant said we could look at HRT but they would have to either increase or decrease dosages of my current meds or maybe look to an additional medication. It was decided that my epilepsy would take priority as I wasn’t having any menopause symptoms other than hot flushes, slight anxiety, aches and hitty missy periods.

The type of estrogen used vaginally is not absorbed into your blood stream. Using it 2 x a week for a year gives the same amount of estrogen as 1 day on HRT.

You need to ask your GP to refer you to a menopause gynaecologist. You've had what is called premature menopause or POI (before aged 40.)
This is a condition that requires monitoring and treatment because early menopause is linked to a higher risk of heart disease, osteoporosis and dementia.

https://www.drlouisenewson.co.uk/knowledge/what-is-premature-ovarian-insufficiency-poi

The medical advice is to use HRT for this, not just symptoms and even if you have no symptoms. So you need to see a specialist and your consultant for your epilepsy and the gynaecologist need to work together on what to do.

If it's decided not to use HRT (systemically) then you need to have your bone density monitored long term, with a scan every 2 to 3 years from now right through to old age, so that if you develop osteoporosis it can be caught early and treated.

And there you go again with the dementia scaremongering @Jinglingspringbells.

The link you posted said there was an increased risk of heart disease and osteoporosis from early menopause. YOU added dementia.

Once again, I'll post a link to this more balanced article and once again report your post for providing misleading medical advice.
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/managing-the-risk-of-dementia/additional-treatments-for-dementia-risk/hormones

Definitely use plenty of lube and do some foreplay next time. I'm sure the bleeding didn't put him off..most men don't have any issue with period sex and he wouldn't really see the difference. So please don't be embarrassed. I hope it didn't hurt?

Maybe see the GP.

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice

A couple of highly regarded publications mentioning the risks.

https://www.thelancet.com/journals/eclinm/article/PIIS2589-5370(23)00210-9/fulltext

Earlier age at menopause was associated with risk of incident dementia and deteriorating brain health. Further studies are warranted to clarify the underlying mechanisms by which earlier age at menopause is linked to an increased risk of dementia, and to determine public health strategies to attenuate this association.

https://thebms.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/05-BMS-ConsensusStatement-Premature-ovarian-insufficiency-POI-APRIL2024-C.pdf
PAGE 12

Cognition

Observational studies have shown an increased risk of cognitive impairment and dementia in women with early onset of menopause. The Mayo Clinic Cohort Study of Oophorectomy and Aging included 813 women who had unilateral oophorectomy, 676 women who had bilateral oophorectomy before the onset of the menopause, and 1,472 age matched controls. Women who underwent either unilateral or bilateral oophorectomy before the onset of the menopause had an increased risk of cognitive impairment or dementia compared to controls (HR = 1.46; 95% CI: 1.13-1.90). The risk increased with younger age at oophorectomy (p<0.0001). These findings were similar regardless of the indication for oophorectomy, and were noted in both women who had unilateral or bilateral oophorectomy. The authors concluded that the age-dependent effect was suggestive of a critical age window for neuroprotection. Women who received estrogen replacement until the age of 50 years were not noted to have an increased risk of cognitive impairment or dementia.

In summary, women with POI are at increased risk of cognitive impairment. there is limited evidence from prospective controlled studies to guide practice regarding the effects of hormone replacement on cognitive function in women with POI. However, a number of large observational studies have shown a beneficial effect on cognitive function and a lowering of the risk of dementia in younger menopausal women with the use of sex steroid hormone replacement.

@Pinkfuzzyoctopus You might like to read the info on the Daisy Network website. This is a national charity run by menopause specialists for women with POI.This page sets out what you need to think about in terms of monitoring your health longer term.https://www.daisynetwork.org/

https://so-daisy-uploads.s3.amazonaws.com/uploads/2016/11/ESHRE-POI-GUIDELINE_Patient-version_non-iatrogenic-POI.pdf

3. Bone, heart and brain

Hormones, especially estrogen, are important for the normal functioning of a (young) woman’s body. Reduced estrogen levels do not only result in menopausal symptoms, but can also affect the health of your bones, heart and brain.

POI is associated with reduced bone mineral density; you may be at increased risk of bone fractures later in life.

 POI is associated with an increased risk of developing heart disease.

 POI may have an impact on your memory.

 A healthy lifestyle (e.g. exercise, cessation of smoking, maintaining a healthy weight) can reduce the impact of POI on your bones, heart and brain.

 Your doctor will monitor the health of your bones (if needed by performing a DEXA scan) and your heart (by checking your blood pressure). S/he will also prescribe hormone replacement therapy (HRT), if this is not contra-indicated for you (see also next section).

@Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice I'm sorry, but you said you were reporting my first link because I added 'misinformation'.

Dementia is mentioned in the link.

I'm not arguing - simply passing on information.🙂

Early initiation with HRT is strongly recommended in women with POI to improve symptoms and also to reduce future risk of cardiovascular disease, to maintain bone health, and prevent osteoporosis [5]. Women with POI are at increased risk of developing heart disease, including coronary heart disease, heart failure and stroke. They are at increased risk of osteoporosis, cognitive problems and dementia and autoimmune diseases.

If there is a next time I will make sure I have a fill tube of lube on hand 😆 To be honest, he didn’t seem bothered. He was more concerned about me, he has said that it didn’t put him off and he enjoyed our time together.

This is a really good point from this pp.
I should scale back my initial dismay - if he's a youngish guy and relitivly inexperienced, and it wasnt a selfish and entitled man kind of thing and he's lovely in most other ways - yeah why not give him a bit more Lee way.

One more chance though…if he is still banging out (pun intended 😂) mediocre, selfish sex then it’s time to move on I think.

@Pinkfuzzyoctopus when was your last smear test as bleeding during or after sex can be a sign of cervical cancer

Three month ago…all clear. Also had a cervical ultrasound about a year ago and everything clear so no concerns on that part.

Yeah but you may have to communicate way more. And iniate what you want yourself. If he didn't know last week he's not going to have all figured out by next week.
Realistically he's going to have 'learn' some how and that involves trial and error....if none of the women who 'came before you" ( I'm so sorry ) could bother to lay it out, and you do pretty much the same thing of not wanting to explain, you're gona get the same results.

I understand how you might not want to comunicate, but I doubt much will change if you don't.

Maybe there's some indirect way ? I don't know maybe the good people of the sex bit could be more helpful. Im sure it's a common predicament.

You could both have a lot of fun by you educating him as to what great sex is . . .