Blending families is so hard

[Ezme1984]

Myself and my partner (both women) have been together for almost 2 years now. We have two children each who get along fabulously.
We did long distance for a while which was really hard but our actual relationship was amazing - we spoke all day every day on the phone, constantly chatting and then when we were together we were very affectionate and just generally enjoyed being around each other.

Fast forward to now. We are looking to purchase our "forever home" later this year and I (and my children) have relocated to be near her. I have my children the majority of the time (they are with their Dad every other weekend) but my partner only has her children 50% of the time which she is really struggling with. We are all living in a small rental until we can 'hopefully' apply for our home.

Over the last few months we have argued A LOT. Mostly about the children and because we have different parenting styles. I wouldn't say I'm strict but she is very relaxed when the children are with her and it's causing so much conflict. We've discussed rules which are followed (mostly) when all the children are together but over the summer there's been periods when we've just had her children and the rules tend to go out the window, then we're back to the rules when my children are back. I've tried to bring this up as an issue to discuss but she gets very defensive and says that she's on constant tender hooks when she has her children because she can feel me constantly judging her. I do understand that she only gets them 50% of the time and she wants them to enjoy their time with us but the inconsistency really won't help the children I don't think.

She also has her ex husband in her ear saying that he's the better parent to the children because they don't have to share him with other people (i.e me and my children) so when her children are with us it's so full on its almost suffocating.

We just can't communicate about it without it getting into a huge argument and sometimes causes us to not communicate with each other for days. We're both so stubborn and believe how we parent is the best.

I don't want her to have to change the way she parents just to please me but I can see that the way she does things really isn't helping the children but she gets so defensive and says I'm attacking her as a mother. I love her so much. We are amazing when it's just us but our children are the most important thing so if it's that that's what's causing issues should we admit defeat?

Not really sure what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated please.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and gotten through it? If so, how?

Do not uproot your children and move them for a relationship that is not healthy and flourishing.

That is the only advice you need.

I agree. Have separate homes for the children.

I can see no reason whatsoever why you have to ‘blend families’. None.

You each have separate responsibilities, pressures and priorities. Why can you not maintain separate households and each concentrate on bringing up your own children in the way that works best for them?

You haven’t even been together two years! Why on earth do your children have to be involved in your love life? Your relationship could end tomorrow. Where would they be, then? And in the meantime you’re using up thought and energy (and probably money) you should be spending on them, quarrelling with someone you’ve been dating for just months. Her children are not your business. And she doesn’t need your opinion on how she parents them.

Honestly, put your children first and stop messing their lives about every time you meet a new person - it’s not on.

The children absolutely love living all together and will be absolutely devastated if we don't get our forever home.

Our house is full of love and affection which is better than what they've seen in our previous relationships, we've just hit a few bumps in the last few months (which the children haven't witnessed at all).

I should have also said that we've relocated to my home town (where I grew up and where the majority of the family are) so I haven't moved them just for my partner. The children love being together and I have no intention of messing their lives up when I meet a new partner because I want this person to be my person forever. I was just looking for some advice about how to get through...

I think this would be a situation for couples counselling, so that you can both be helped to hear each other without defensiveness.

If it were me I'd spend some time living separately and making the most of the fact that you're now living closer together. I think rushing into blending could do more harm than good.

You do know that forever home is just instagram nonsense, don’t you? I’m sure it sounds lovely to children - like a fairy tale - but you’re an adult and this is real life.

If you break up, your children’s lives will be disrupted again.

It is up to you to protect them from that - not to tie yourself up in legal and financial contracts with a romantic interest and dress it up as benefitting your children.

How old are the children? The children might enjoy being together when it’s not full time and if you end up arguing all the time they certainly won’t.
I’d live separately but spend lots of time together. They then get the best of both.

Staying together but living in different houses in the best way long term. You’re going to end up in a household with lots of resentment as you and your partner will be pissed off with each other’s parenting.

How old are the kids ? I’m going to assume primary school age or younger as you say that they get on well and have no idea that you and your partner argue about parenting.

Your kids are not going to accept stricter rules than her kids and her kids are not going to accept your strict rules because you’re not their mum. Your partner clearly doesn’t agree with your rules so the rules that you have atm are really your rules (singular) not your rules as a couple. Living apart means that some of this inevitable tension can be avoided because the kids won’t see the double standards all the time.

Many stories on here have young kids accepting step parents and step siblings when they are young but not liking it when they are older (teen) If either family has one child while the other has 2+ then there’s lots of potential for 1 vs 2 arguments. I suspect that a major reason that they get along is because you don’t cohabit. They are like best friends who they see at school daily but have space from each other as well.

It sounds like you are prepared to prioritise her over your children and you're frustrated that she is not prepared to do the same. You've moved your children away from their previous lives (further from their dad?) into a small home where the two adults that are supposed to be caring for them are arguing and not speaking for days.

She's clearly struggling with the fact that she's living with your children full time and only seeing her own half the time - I'm not sure there is a way around that.

However you dress that up, you're pursuing your love life to the detriment of your children's stability. I've been the child in your situation - the situation was miserable for all of us.

This is a very new relationship and you are already fighting and don't agree on fundamental things.

It'll be awful for your girlfriends kids knowing their mother is living with someone else's kids more than with them. They'll feel replaced, discarded.

Why not enjoy dating and financial security, without domestic drudgery, fighting, or making all the kids get involved?

This is never going to work. I feel sorry for the kids and also for your partner.

Over the last few months we have argued A LOT. Mostly about the children and because we have different parenting styles. I wouldn't say I'm strict but she is very relaxed when the children are with her and it's causing so much conflict. We've discussed rules which are followed (mostly) when all the children are together but over the summer there's been periods when we've just had her children and the rules tend to go out the window, then we're back to the rules when my children are back. I've tried to bring this up as an issue to discuss but she gets very defensive and says that she's on constant tender hooks when she has her children because she can feel me constantly judging her. I do understand that she only gets them 50% of the time and she wants them to enjoy their time with us but the inconsistency really won't help the children I don't think.

You're clearly not ready to move in together and attempt to blend the families, even if you want to be.

This is not a forever relationship.

We've discussed rules which are followed (mostly) when all the children are together but over the summer there's been periods when we've just had her children and the rules tend to go out the window, then we're back to the rules when my children are back.

What difference does it make if she doesn’t stick to rules when your children aren’t even there? It’s up to her to parent her children how she sees fit, not for you to call the shots.

Blending families is incredibly difficult. You’ve tried it and it’s not working; why force it?

Theres nothing stopping you from living in separate homes and dating, why do you have to “blend” when it’s clearly causing arguments and distress?

This is not going to end well.

It sounds like you're wanting her to follow your parenting rules, is there any way you can compromise and come up with new 'rules'? Can you give some examples?

As a single parent myself, I couldn't have a serious relationship with someone who wasn't on the same page as me in terms of parenting, whether that's because they were more or less 'strict' than me.

yeah just don’t do it. Live separately and have a lovely time

You need to live separately, the children will not be devastated, don't use the children as an excuse for your wants, they will be fine and long term happier not being blended.

I feel from reading this that your partner is in a difficult position. You say you are stubborn and belive your way is best.

But your partner is parenting in what is essentially a traumatic situation. She has to share care which presumably she hates and carries huge guilt and sadness about.

You need to cut her slack and stop controlling her decisions so much

I think you are both being irresponsible because this is adding further stress to a situation which her children must already find very difficult.

Have you considered their dad is right? That it is easier for them when he parents as he doesn't have a massively 'stubborn' adult interfering snd judging his parenting.

For arguments sake. Why shouldn't she be a bit softer when your kids aren't there ? Her children get much less time with their mum ahd its on her how she handles that.

If you dont want to give up then this needs therapy or family/couples counselling.

Don't blend. Put your children first. Best to see these problems now than jump in and regret your decision.

Think of the children.

There's a saying
" The children of lovers are orphans". I think the children in this situation fit this description.

I'm personally not shocked about rules relaxing over summer. I think it's very normal, I do it myself. I would be really upset about being judged for it.

It seems you can't compromise on parenting because the differences are too significant.

Whatever it's like now WILL get worse because you are still in the honeymoon phase and the children are younger. You say you love her but resentment/exhaustion will creep in as a result of the arguments. Parenting has highlighted that you both are on different pages and more importantly you have a very unhealthy conflict dynamic.

Not speaking to each other after an argument is a high predictor of future relationship failure, according to Gottman. I think you need to take off your rose tinted glasses and see the reality