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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexless marro

15 replies

Oneplus4 · 29/08/2025 23:24

I am living in a sexless marriage. I have had the conversation so many times with my husband that I am not happy. After the conversation he will have sex once or twice and then that’s it. I asked him recently when was the last time he found me attractive? He said he didn’t remember. Since we’ve got married I’ve put on a little weight but I’ve also given birth to his two children. We’ve been married for over 20 years. I’ve asked him to go to sexual counselling but he’s not so happy about that. What do I do? I love him but the lack of intimacy is killing me.

OP posts:
pambeesleyhalpert · 29/08/2025 23:26

Following OP as in I the same boat

Diarygirlqueen · 29/08/2025 23:29

Did he give you a reason why he's refusing sex?

Original poster
Oneplus4 · 29/08/2025 23:31

pambeesleyhalpert · 29/08/2025 23:26

Following OP as in I the same boat

Sorry you are going through this too

OP posts:
TaupeMember · 29/08/2025 23:32

Not everything is down to porn, but there would be far fewer if these posts if porn were not widely available

Original poster
Oneplus4 · 29/08/2025 23:35

No, other than he doesn’t find me attractive any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oneplus4 · 29/08/2025 23:42

TaupeMember · 29/08/2025 23:32

Not everything is down to porn, but there would be far fewer if these posts if porn were not widely available

Edited

So I replied to your post and you changed it. Your latest post, yes it could be possibly be porn, we used to watch it together, but I don’t think it is now.

OP posts:
TaupeMember · 29/08/2025 23:47

Sorry, it autocorrected porn to possibility, or maybe I mistyped...

TaupeMember · 29/08/2025 23:48

If he has a phone, he'll likely be watching porn

UniqueStork · 29/08/2025 23:50

Is he not interested or is there something else going on? You've been together for a while. Any physical issues with sex? If he's anything like my DH, he'd rather not have sex than deal with the discomfort of having to face or discuss them.

TuesdayFilmClub · 29/08/2025 23:57

I'm sorry you're going through this. I was in a similar situation for many years. We'd occasionally discuss it, she would say the right things or give reasons but nothing would change.

It had a terrible impact on my self esteem, my confidence and eventually my libido fell off entirely. We drifted and eventually she was brave enough to suggest divorce. We are almost at the end of the process and will hopefully moving into separate homes soon.

It's hard to describe what went wrong, people are surprised when they find out we've split, but I think we were fundamentally wrong for each other from the start. We managed to split before resentment set in, so hopefully we can continue to coparent well together.

Hopefully you'll be able to work on it, and hopefully he will be receptive to counselling together. One thing, which I guess is obvious with hindsight, the importance of sex in a relationship is very different to different people. It is something I will be mindful of if I pursue another relationship.

Original poster
Oneplus4 · 30/08/2025 00:00

UniqueStork · 29/08/2025 23:50

Is he not interested or is there something else going on? You've been together for a while. Any physical issues with sex? If he's anything like my DH, he'd rather not have sex than deal with the discomfort of having to face or discuss them.

I’m not sure, this may possibly be it. We have a nice life. DH was brought up in a very strict religious upbringing which could be part of the problem. DH is not prepared to talk about sex.

OP posts:
UniqueStork · 30/08/2025 00:06

Oneplus4 · 30/08/2025 00:00

I’m not sure, this may possibly be it. We have a nice life. DH was brought up in a very strict religious upbringing which could be part of the problem. DH is not prepared to talk about sex.

Show quote history

I have this same problem, that he's just not willing to talk about it. He's avoidant of the discomfort of talking about anything difficult (not just sex, but including sex). My DH is having some issues (not ED). It's been a good few months since we've had sex. To be fair, he's had some other medical stuff going on, but that should be resolved soon. My DH is likely to turn around one night and say, "Would you like to have sex." I already know how I'm going to respond. Something like, "No, you can't go months avoiding the topic then suddenly, out of the blue, decide you want to have sex and expect me to flip a switch. It doesn't work that way." The lack of communication is a total turn off and it's just not happening until he changes that. Otherwise we are best friends and have a good marriage in all other aspects.

Ifitaintgotnoswing · 30/08/2025 03:37

Well if he no longer finds you attractive then I am afraid thats your answer and it wont change

NNforthispost · 30/08/2025 11:20

Attraction means different things to different people. I’m less in the physical attraction pov and more of the attracted to nice people camp.

When I realised exH was a manipulator and a lier the attraction disappeared and I couldn’t get it back and I just stopped having sex.

Im sorry you’re in this position (and I’m not likening your position to mine). But think of he’s said the attraction is gone then it’s not your fault - but listen to what he’s saying, and it’s time to get your ducks in a row. It sounds like he’s checked out and is preparing for a separation.

Osirus · 30/08/2025 11:50

Oneplus4 · 29/08/2025 23:35

No, other than he doesn’t find me attractive any more.

That would be the end of my relationship.

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