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Relationships

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Original poster

Do I want another baby or am I still grieving for the ones I've lost??

17 replies

Pheebe · 31/05/2008 10:44

Not sure where to post this really but as its to do with me and DH thought I'd start here

First off I do count myself as very lucky, we have 2 gorgeous boys (nearly 4 and 6.5 months) and are very happy with them. DH doesn't want to have any more, all very logical practical reasons and concern for me and my health etc all of which I'm fine with and on the surface agree with

but

I still feel there's an empty space. I have had 8 miscarriages (including 1 late one and an ectopic) so we've had our struggles to get where we are and much of our married life has been spent with me being pregnant, getting over a loss or trying for the next one. I don't think I have ever really got over the first mc, it was a huge shock and quite traumatic and in my heart I miss my little girl (no idea if it was a girl just my feeling). The thing is I dont' know what to do with these feelings of wanting another and I'm not sure whether I'm still grieving for her or I really want to bring another person into our family. Would having another help? Am I still trying to prove I can have babies? Do I have any right to try and persuade DH? Am I being fair on the boys as it would likely mean more mcs, hospital time etc etc

Sorry for long post, not sure if theres anything anyone can say really but its helped just to get it on paper

feeling today

OP posts:

findthepoormansquattroriver · 31/05/2008 10:59

I'm glad writing it down helped Pheebe. Poor you. And poor DH. You two have been through a lot of heartache.
You already know there is no 'right' or 'wrong' answer. I would imagine in your position, there will always be a feeling of loss, of what 'might have been' simply because of your experiences. Whether that equate to definitely wanting to have another child is a different matter. One thing that strikes me is that your ds2 is still very little, so this isnt something you need to feel pressurised into making decisions about right now.
I don't think in any situation, miscarriages or not, it is ever right for one partner to pressurise the other into making a decision as big as this. It will need to be something you both want. Why not give it time, enjoy your boys and agree to not discuss it with your dh for a period of time. That will give you both some space.

lucyellensmum · 31/05/2008 11:01

aww pheebee, i am just bumping this really.

I am sorry for your loss

One question? How many children did you want before any of this happened? Or had you not considered the number of children?

I think you need some counselling to get this straight in your head, maybe speak to your midwife or HV?

lucyellensmum · 31/05/2008 11:02

good post quattro

lackaDAISYcal · 31/05/2008 11:10

Pheebe, I'm so sorry for all your losses

I've had two MCs and they were very traumatic. i can only imagine how much pain you and your DH have been through.

Have you spoken to the Miscarriage Association? They have a helpline which is manned by people who have been through the heartache and trauma of miscarriage themselves. I spoke to them after my first mc and found the lady I sopke with immensely helpful. they also have some leaflets available for download which you may find useful.

I know after my second mc my DH was reluctant to try again as he saw how much pain I was in, both physically and emotionally. His first response was to protect me from going through further heartache as well as not wanting to go through it heimself as well. We talked about it and decided to wait a few months before trying again. We were in a much better place emotionally by then, but the pregnacny itself was very hard on me emotionally.

Keep talking to your DH and I hope that you can access some grief counselling to help you through this and make the right decision for the right reasons.

Take Care......{{{{{hugs}}}}}

Original poster

Pheebe · 31/05/2008 11:15

Thank you all for replying

Quattro I know you're right and I would never pressure DH into anything, its knowing how to cope with these emotions really. DS2 is still very small but seems to be growing so fast, that may be part of it also as the 'baby' stage seems to be slipping past so quickly this time too.

Lucy, we always said we'd be happy with one, lucky with two and blessed with three so there were no hard and fast decisions although I always (even preDH) thought 3

Daisy, I have never spoken to anyone prefessionally about the mcs, perhaps I really should do

thanks all again, its great knowing people are out there

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MrsJonnyDepp · 31/05/2008 13:31

Hello Pheebe,

After I had my ds (8)- I was rather reluctant to have another child, but my dh and family were keen! Sadly I had a late miscarriage which like you I was convinced was a girl. After that I was totaly overwelmed by my desire for a daughter. I bought girls clothes,I dreamed about her. It took a very long time to re-conceive, I then suffered depression in pregnancy as I was so worried I would loose her again - but now she is 2 - she is so fantastic and the family 'feels' as it should. You will know in your heart what is best for you xxx

Original poster

Pheebe · 31/05/2008 19:01

MJD, thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm so sad for your loss but so pleased you have your beautiful daughter too now

I think what I'm struggling with is whether this feeling of incompleteness is grief for my loss or a genuine desire for another child. I wouldn't want to have another child to replace that loss because as my DH has rightly (and gently) pointed out it won't matter how many babies I have 'she' will still be missing. I just don't know where to go from here to get some sort of peace from it really.

OP posts:

NotABanana · 31/05/2008 19:03

I understand a little bit. I have 3 children but have had 2 m/c and feel like I should be a mum of 5. My DH had the snip as it was too risky for me to have anymore children but I will always wish things could have been different.

I wish you well.

Original poster

Pheebe · 31/05/2008 19:24

Thanks NAB

The pain never seems to go away does it and although DH tries to understand and is VERY supportive, he can't I guess as it wasn't a physical reality for him

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NotABanana · 31/05/2008 19:30

When my first m/c happened DH was much more upset than me. I was very much that we were lucky to have not had one before. On the baby's due date I was very low and didn't realise for a while what the date meant. DH is fine now and rarely thinks about it. I still get really sad when I see twins and find it hard to accept I will never have them.

Original poster

Pheebe · 31/05/2008 20:22

{{{NAB}}}

Its stange as I know when they all happened but its the first one that hit me the hardest and I'm always sad around the due date 6 years later (yesterday )

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NotABanana · 31/05/2008 20:23

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Pheebe}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

GreenElizabeth · 31/05/2008 21:00

Does it have to be your natural baby?

Would an adopted baby from China or Taiwan heal the pain at all?

I see your dilemma. You desperately want a baby that might have been, could have been a girl. But it is such a huge risk to take, giving yourself more babies to grieve for.

Would your husband agree to another baby if he knew that you wouldn't be going on a physical and mental rollercoaster of repeated MCs. I know adoption is not easy peasy either , but I couldn't hold back from suggesting it.

MrsJonnyDepp · 01/06/2008 01:08

Hello Again. I always feel that dd wanted to be with us, I lost her once but her spirit found me again in my next pregnancy. I have not grieved for my lost pregnancy since dd was born - I really feel that we were meant to be together (I'm not religious - this is the best way to explain it) Almost like the wrong was righted!

Original poster

Pheebe · 01/06/2008 08:24

Thanks NAB

GE, I have thought about fostering and adoption, again even before I was married. For the moment I think the boys are too small but maybe for the future. Would that fill the hole though, actually I'm not sure anything will

MJD, how wonderful I'm so pleased for you both

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Rangirl · 01/06/2008 08:34

My DS1 was still born at 37 weeks.We were incredibly lucky to go on to have a girl and a boywithin 2.5 years,BUT there are times when I feel I have 1 missing,I think I always will.I think if I had 20 children I would feel I should have 21.I would keep talking either to a close family member (other than DH) close friend or professional.I feel that in time I have come to terms with things
Look after yourself

Original poster

Pheebe · 01/06/2008 08:44

Rangirl, I'm so sorry for your loss, I can only imaging how painful that must have been I think you've sumed it up for me really, however many children I have there will always be one missing

We are going away next week but when we get back I think I will try and talk to someone professionally

thanks again for all your thoughts

OP posts:

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