Ex P new ‘girl’ & my children!

[kittykat36]

Hi all so its been very nearly 4 months since i split up with my ExP admittedly only 5 weeks since he came back for a fortnight crying saying the new girl (he’d been with her 5/6weeks by this point) had punched him in the chest a number of times. So for the past 3 weeks hes been back with new girl.

Ive been gaslit throughout the full 17 year relationship, chested on, manipulated, humiliated and breadcrumbed.

im actually doing really well in that i dont even think about him and new girl anymore. i dont cry anymore. ive got back into reading books and redecorating my home for me and my children etc. im in a really good place and if i do feel a wobble i have a rant to my friends.

my issue however is since having absolutely no contact at all with ExP in the last 2 weeks (DC are 12 & 14 so arrange pick up and drop off times with him directly) hes now taken to telling my dc im ruining his life by getting my friends to spy on him - i have 2 friends and neither have even seen him?! And saying im talking absolute shit about him to everyone - if anyone asks i tell them why we broke up thats literally it. I wonder if hes doing this to my children as he has no control over me anymore and my kids have told him im doing great being alone etc?

he has also mentioned to my kids last weekend when they were with him (they have 1 or 2 nights for tea a week and 1 night sleep over currently) that he wants to introduce them to the new girl soon. That wouldnt be an issue for me but i always take my cue from my dc.

My 14yo girl has said she doesnt want anything to do with her because she remembers dad crying on my sofa not 5 weeks ago with a bruised chest. He then screamed at dd in the street saying it wasnt actually a proper punch just a small hit and she should stop talking about it as they have talked it through and thats all water under the bridge now and she has to stop letting me put words into her mouth? My dd cant forget it though and refuses to even meet new girl. i have never said anything to my kids about him or new girl. My 12yo son said he wouldnt be fussed either way as he just stays in his room out the way so doesnt impact his daily life.

my issue here is…would i be within my right to say perhaps - yes let my children meet new girl IF and only if they decide they want too. When that time comes however all overnight contact (1 night a week) would be stopped. He could still have them all day on a saturday and the sunday should he choose. I just feel like overnight stays have an inherently greater safeguarding risk? My kids have never been around violence etc and i wouldnt wish for them to see their dad get hit? ExP new girl has previous for hitting her partners in that her own childrens dad walked after she hit him repeatedly over many months.

i would be prepared to say fine take me to family court if needed and il ask for a safeguarding risk assessment and i do have evidence of him minimising the punches he got etc.

i dont really know if im being unreasonable or going to be seen as jealous and i think this is a by product of being gaslit for so long and manipulated?

sorry the long windedness

What do you mean he came back for a fortnight? Did he move back in? I

At your children's ages, their thoughts, wants and need are probably the most important factor here. If they don't want to meet her then that should trump either their dad's or your wishes. Advocate for your daughter and if she doesn't want to meet her then communicate that to him. She can then choose to see dad if he respects her wishes. Easier said than done with some idiotic parents. He sounds like the idiot that will make everything difficult. You have my sympathy.

Not in so many words. So hes one of these ‘cock lodgers’ i see mentioned on mn often. He has his own flat but he stayed here for 2 weeks having sex with me, trlling me he loved me etc. i assumed we were trying to repair or even begin a whole new relationship again. 2 weeks later he said he was going down his flat as wanted to go to the gym at 5am the next morning. Then messaged me “sorry about it but we are just friends i didnt mean to lead anyone on”.

that was brutal but i needed it to see the light to be honest. It was a whole other level of cruelty towards me and my kids. So went no contact after id set up a shared calendar with him that i put child contact days on.

Oh absolutely sounds like it doesnt it! I am no contact with him but anything i feel is totally unacceptable such as screaming at my dd in the street i do kick iff with him about. I have said i will not be forcing them to meet with her. I just assume he will absolutely take the piss when i cancel overnight stays when his new girl is in the picture.

im the villain in his story and ive got no effort or motivation to even give my side. People will always believe what they want to believe.

There are parenting apps that can be used to communicate on which will limit (and record) his communication with you. At least this be only be for a short few years and your kids are almost independent. Not much comfort now but just realise this will pass and kids are smart at seeing if their parent is trustworthy and dependable - just takes time.

Thanks for your support. Yes i looked into those. Currently its ok as such for now in that all his messages are muted to me i only see them if i choose to look at them. If it got to the point where he was constantly contacting me then yes id go that route. Right now its just hard to parent alongside him when he does everything to make me the bad guy to my children. Luckily my dd has seen him for his lies etc and she messages me when he lies to her or he shouts etc at her saying shes remembering stuff wrong etc and yes. I keep telling myself - 6 short years. Only 6! Thats all thats getting me through it to be honest lol xx

Well first of all good riddance to this POS partner and dad. How the hell does he think it’s ok for a new girlfriend to be introduced so soon after he’s left home?! Those poor kids will be very confused, and no doubt have a raft of new daddy girlfriends if that’s the case as surely you know someone yourself before introducing them to your most precious kids, and I’d never agree to a person who throws punches
I think you need to start making a diary of the things that are happening ing, I. Case you need it in court! Also the lies he’s telling your children, you need to tell him to stop, he’s trying to turn them against you and putting himself there as the victim

Will be less than 6 years I promise. Does he live far? Can she leave and come home under her own steam or you collect her if she wants to leave? Same for your son? Think that is really important. Start saving for a car lol. The day my DD passed her test she effectively became an adult and I became also redundant in terms of day to day running around and taxi service. Was quite the shock. Plus mine had sports matches on weekends which took priority and their Dad couldn't be arsed to commit to those and put their needs ahead of his so contact dropped off massively. Again if she gets a part time job on weekends in a few years, she just won't have time for him at all.

So if he’s daughter is crying on her own sofa in the future because her boyfriend has punched her is he tea going to say… Water under the bridge, he’s apologised blah blah ect.
There’s no way on earth I’d want to teach my children that domestic violence is normal or forgivable and I wouldn’t want them around this crap. Take it to family court and tell them why.

Oh absolutely. I took the decision to not even date anyone or look for that matter after it ended in may and i still havent. Purely because i wanted to work on me. Grow as a person and find myself again as well as be the best parent i could be. Thats what ive started doing. Keeping a diary/journal and i absolutely refuse for my kids to be around violence however i think i could be seen as being difficult if i stopped her having any kind of meetings with my kids? I would orefer she didnt at all of course however i do feel on a balance of scenarios during the day is a lot less riskier than at night after - and in my ExP own words “she loves vodka and has 1 or 2 bottles a night and she just got very angry”. So i feel using this to cancel any after 6pm contact with their dad is the best course of action. Of course my dd wants nothing to do with her day or night so i wont be making them anyway. My son has yet to work out if he wishes to meet her or not

Legally a judge would allow your kids to choose how much contact they had with each parent. Considering his behaviour in the last 4 months, I predict that dd will have lots of periods of NC with dad as they will fall out over his behaviour and that one day she’ll go completely NC.

Luckily i drive and thats a whole other story about how & why im unreasonable lol (i wouldnt let him use MY car to take the kids out) so yes i can pick them up if they wanted to come home and i have done this previously. He lives in the next town over so 5/10 minutes max.

Thats a great way of looking at it. Currently he is doing that but when she tells me we sit and we talk about what actually happened together. We remember it all and then i empthasise (sp?) why thats not acceptable behaviour he is absolutely within his rights to forgive & forget it should he want too however she doesnt have to. But thats my point hes gaslit me for so long i absolutely write everything down as ss all messages etc as i just dont believe it woulnt be used against me eventually

Yes she has already had a week with nc with him and he spent the time consistently messaging her saying he misses her and he doesnt understand why shes angry so she told him yet again but then he replied with “i will stop i promise but i just want you to have your own thoughts not your mums ok” like ive done it? He doesnt realise at 14 shes incredibly bright and sees and hears so much she doesnt need my input to be honest.

Suggest you encourage your children to block his number - they can then look at messages with you perhaps twice week with support or even say no direct contact to protect them. Please don't give him unsupervised direct contact with him - he's using it to harass them.

I agree but i dont think i can with hold any contact between him and his children unfortunately. As it happens hes doing well at with holding contact all by himself - my dd has been nc with him for a week to help her head she said. And next week hes meant to have them weds and thurs for tea for a few hours each day and then saturday overnight to sunday. Hes already cancelled the tea hours and said hes busy saturday but could maybe try and pick them up at 4/5pm but will let the kids know closer to the time. Its awful but my kids are used to it now. Previously id suggest does he want them different timings so hes not losing contact but then i realised i cant force someone to have contact with their kids if they dont wish too and since i stopped doing that hes cancelled and not rearranged any other contact way more times than he has seen them to be honest.

just now hes collected the dc. I said to my kids see you tomorrow at 8. To which he said nothing (my parents were here) yet he got my son to message me saying “dad has plans we will be back at 6 tomorrow”. It just feels like im being controlled still? I dont have plans so it is fine for me but realistically if i did have plans then what? Its the principle

No advice re your children as I've never been through it but you're to be admired.
You sound strong and I'm glad he's not able to control you no more. Maybe that's the reason why his behaviour has been erratic?
Stay low contact with him as you've been doing and maybe trust your children to deal with him in the future. Your daughter sounds emotionally mature and seems to have got the gist of him, I'm sure your son will in the future.
Good luck x

Thank you your comments mean a lot actually. Its just so strange. Hes always playing the victim to anyone who will listen and my dd and ds have worked out some things are false statements. When he says i keep whatsapping him constantly and ruinging his life as his new girl doesnt like it. My dc (who lets face it shouldnt need to!) went onto whatsapp and looked at their previous conversations with me and seen when i was last active on whatsapp (2 weeks and 1 day ago?) so they knew instantly that that was false. In time they will both make up their mind. In the mean time im just staying silent in my own lane being the best person i can be for my dc. Sometimes its hard dont get me wrong i definately want to clap back at the untruths but i dont. Because hes just after a reaction. My poor journal is filled with all the messages i want to send but never do lol

It's all about control unfortunately. Not much you can do. Just be home as if he's like my ex, if the kids have keys and you're not there, he'll use it as an opportunity to go into the house on some pretext. It will pass. Mine were only 3 and 4 when I left him. 😔 They're in their 20s now and thriving.

They aren’t exactly young kids so I’m not sure what the problem is. Most people who know 14 years old girls know it’s virtually impossible for their parents to change their mindset on anything and they tend to have their own opinions. I find it hard to believe when a partner has treated someone badly they talk about that person in entirely neutral language, but arguing about it or insisting that you haven’t done it is completely pointless. You’ll never convince him of anything. Minimise contact with him, have your children decide what they want and he can deal with them when they are at his. I think saying they can’t have overnights because it’s a safeguarding issue is a bit of a stretch. If the new woman (assuming she isn’t actually a “girl”) is a threat to them, she is as much of a threat on a Tuesday evening as she is on a Saturday night. To try to use “safeguarding” as an excuse to restrict access to your children isn’t the right thing to do.

I get that but thats why i wanted advice perhaps? Yes i figured she would be a safeguarding issue at any time but more so when under the influence if that makes sense. I dont wish to be entirely unreasonable but equally i want to keep my children safe? If she can hit the dc dad and her ex what can she do to A) my children and B) him when my children are there. I wasnt sure if id be allowed to say she has no contact at all and then go to court over that or whether there would have to be leeway. Its all absolutely new to me and im learning as i go to be honest. Yes my 14 yo girl does have her own opinions and voices them however she then gets screamed at about having her own opinions like ive gave her those opinions to tell him of which i havent. No the new girl isnt a ‘girl’ shes mid to late 20s i think. Hes 39. I use the term new girl as that is how ExP terms her to me previously when we spoke “im at my new girls house i cant have the kids” for example