Husband pushing for sex during grief

[FlakyRedLion]

My mother died completely unexpectedly last year. She was my only family and I am undone by grief. Husband is mostly supportive but I can’t get past the fact the he really pushed for us to have sex just a few days after she died, the day I had picked up her ashes from the crematorium and they were in the hotel room with us. I have no other family. I viewed her body alone. I organised everything across three states. We also have a young child. And every time we have sex now I can’t stop thinking how he couldn’t even understand my grief for one week to not get in a mood when I turned him down with my poor mother’s ashes in the same room. Is this just how men are or should I have expected more?

Fuck hell.
That’s really awful op, I’m so sorry for your loss, and that your husband was such a pig at a terrible time.

You say ‘push’ so I’m assuming he didn’t just suggest it once then shrug off your refusal. Typical man to get in a mood over it. It must be so awful for the poor things to be so driven by such a tiny part of their anatomy that they are unable to behave like decent human beings when a woman declines!
So sorry op

That's horrible.
I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Do you realise that every time he pushes you for sex and you 'give in' without enthousiastic consent, it's actually a sexual assault?
Yes is not a yes if you do it to avoid an arguement
Yes is not a yes if you do it so he'll stop bothering you
Yes is not a yes if you do it because you're afraid of the consequences for saying no
The only kind of consent that counts is enthousiastic consent. And any kind of sexual interaction without enthousiastic consent is sexual abuse.

You're right to feel disgusted by him.

I'm sorry for your loss.

He behaved like an utterly insensitive disrespectful pillock.

What you do about it I'm not sure, because somehow I doubt he'll listen if you try to talk about it.

It's the sort of thing that diminishes the love you feel for a partner ime. Sulking at the best of times is a turn off; sulking in those circumstances is very distasteful. Really not going to make you want to respond positively at all.

@ShouldHaveCouldHaveWouldHaveDone when I declined he said “well can I just sort myself out then?” For god’s sake. My mother is in a box on the table! Leave it alone

I'm so sorry for your loss.

As per pp, if he was pushy and didn't take your "no" easily and immediately, that's (at the least) very insensitive of him.

But to gently offer a different perspective:
people do react very differently to grief.

My mother died of an unexpected heart attack some years ago, and I was giving CPR until the ambulance arrived and pronounced her dead at the scene.
That night I very much wanted sex with my partner - intensely so, and as a reaction to the grief - something about the presence of death made me want to do something which is very affirming of life.
So it's possible (no idea if true, but something to consider), that it might also be related to how grief or the presence of death affects him.

I'm in no way excusing it - she's your mother and therefore your grief is obviously more intense than his and he should be fully supportive of what you need.

But sometimes we have these aspects to our psyches and he might not even have been fully aware where the drive came from.
Or he might just be an insensitive dick - you know him better!

@WrylyAmused its a fair point. He’s big on sex is love and care and communication etc. But I still feel he should have understood I was not up for it that week! I was literally told by the police on Saturday, had to organise her to be transported to a major town that week, fly us all up there and organise the cremation. Not a sexy time???
I hope he just wanted to make me feel loved. Otherwise go have a wank in the shower

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar sulking is the perfect description. My 3 year old wouldn’t have behaved so poorly 🙄

My boyfriend at the time tried to have sex with me the day after my dad died. He was very offended when I said no. I broke up with him due to general lack of empathy but that was the beginning of the end, I never really stopped thinking about it during our relationship. I just felt if he couldn’t imagine what I’m feeling at one of the worst times of my life, how understanding would he be about smaller things? Or was it even just that his “physical needs” came above absolutely everything else in life?

I know there are some people out there who use sex as a way to disassociate from emotions, or use death as a reason to have as much sex as possible in case they die too. But I don’t think that’s very common, I think if grief or sadness makes you horny then something’s gone a bit wrong emotionally

I was in a similar situation , I had moved in with my Mum to nurse her , she had very short illness , very unexpected,and my husband had been working, caring for children, at our house and when she died I needed to be with him straight away.

Op I am so very sorry.

What has your relationship been like since?

For you to be still dwelling on this (quite obsessively?) almost a year later is unusual and I wonder if you have 'hooked' your trauma to this event? Have you had counselling to process your grief?

As others say, people react differently to death. Having sex is actually a very common reaction - life affirming craziness. Your mother's death would have undoubtedly hit your husband too.

(I'm assuming he's not a total twat generally, in which case different answers...)

He shouldn’t have pushed you for sex or made you feel bad when you said you didn’t want it, but there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with wanting to be intimate even in difficult times. It can be a comfort/connection thing as much as it is about lust. If your husband was supportive, I don’t think this would be a problem, but as you had to do all the difficult things alone, you won’t have felt close and connected to him.

@WitchesofPainswick that’s very true. I haven’t processed and am still deep in grief. Also other issues in that he is unemployed, I am the only one working and supporting us, he’s very happy to live off mums money. It’s complicated. I know I shouldn’t dwell on one moment but it just keeps coming back to me and breaks my heart a little bit every time

I am so very sorry for your loss.

He shouldn't be 'pushing' for sex at any time, but really awful for him to have behaved like that at such a terrible time for you. Maybe if he was grieving sex would have been a comfort to him, but it sounds like it was very clear that you were not seeking that sort of comfort, so he is either remarkably selfish or remarkably stupid.

Was he very upset at your mother’s death? Then I could understand maybe some people deal with their grief that way. But it was your mother that died not his. Is he selfish in other ways? Does he put his needs first in other areas?

Hmmmm.

Is he emotionally extremely immature?

My mother died unexpectedly a week after I gave birth during which I’d had to be cut to get the baby out. As you can imagine I was utterly exhausted and my head was all over the place . One night a few days after she died I’d finally managed to get ds to sleep and H propositioned me for sex. I was literally speechless , especially as when I knocked him back he said ‘I’m sad , and it’s your job to put that right’ . Out of all the shitty things my exh did that one still sticks in my head and even for that arsehole it was out of character. He’s wasn’t grieving either as he barely knew my mother .

@fedup078 oh my god. I’m so sorry. This is the worst of all moments and I can’t imagine how much it hurt. Do they not see that we are broken? Or not care? My husband was not sad about mum beyond feeling sad for me. And yet his needs are so important. Good god why do we do it…

I think if grief or sadness makes you horny then something’s gone a bit wrong emotionally

It's more that some people (men and women) seek out connection. It's one reason people will see out sex after a huge argument or any sort of emotionally draining episode.

Equally, some people won't feel any desire at all and will want to create distance or protect themselves.

Having a different response doesn't mean anyone is 'wrong' but pushing for it is wrong at any time.