Would you tell him?

[AngelikiEvangelia]

I broke up with DS20's Dad just after DS turned one, and this is something that DS finds incredibly difficult.

DS has struggled with his mental health since hitting puberty and was diagnosed with ADHD at age 17. He finds the relationship with his Dad difficult and has often expressed the opinion that they would be 'closer' if we had all stayed together as a family.

I have always been very careful not to say anything negative to DS about his Dad, as I know how harmful that can be to children whose parents are separated. When he was small, DS would ask things like 'do you love Daddy' and I would always reply along the lines of 'Daddy will always be very special to me because he is part of you'.

I'm now not sure if this was the best approach, not least because his Dad did the opposite (he spent the whole of DS's childhood deriding me as stupid, selfish, a bitch and a bad mother). I think it's left DS with the impression that I broke up with his Dad for no good reason and just didn't care about DS enough to keep us together as a family.

The reality is that I tried my best to tolerate being in a relationship with his Dad for nearly two years but cracked when I saw how much his shitty, abusive behaviour towards me was starting to affect our one-year-old son. I broke up with him to protect DS from growing up in the kind of unsafe, abusive environment that I grew up in. It made my life a lot harder in a lot of ways, at least in the short term, and I got a lot of shit for it but I have absolutely no doubt that it was the right thing to do.

I'm now wondering if it might potentially be helpful for DS if I told him this - or if doing so might make him feel worse.

Whenever he visits his Dad, he ends up feeling really down. Ideally, I'd like him to know that this isn't his fault - it's because his Dad isn't a very nice person, and he doesn’t have to see him if he doesn't want to.

I'm sure he'd come to the conclusion eventually and teens blame parents for everything. I'm sure you know that the ADHD will make him.say things to you that he probably doesn't mean but can't stop himself from saying. And it's very common for people with ADHD to have depression.
I don't think it would hurt to give him a bit of background. They need to know what's what. If you wanted to be subtle you could wait til he talks about a friendship or someone's relationship not going well and you could say that it isn't always the best thing to stay connected to someone who is abusive or unpleasant. Or you could try a more direct conversation, he's old enough.

Could you arrange therapy for your son to discuss this?

Do you mean tell him and then arrange therapy for him to talk to someone about it? Or not tell him and arrange therapy instead?

He had therapy when was a teenager and is currently on a waiting list for our local IAPT service.

Arrange the therapy and let the therapist know the full story and let them decide how to approach it with your son.
Can you afford for him to see a psychotherapist privately?
I suspect the IAPT service will suggest CBT therapy which may not be suitable for this situation.

Therapist here

Could you see if there are any family therapists in your area?
I've worked with these kinds of situation and it could be helpful to have these conversations with a therapist present.

Best thing would be for you to have one or two individual sessions first to get the therapist on board with your story and what you want to share with your son.
Then your son could have a few individual sessions so the therapist isn't a complete stranger when the tough conversation happens. The therapist can also check in with your son whether he actually wants to know your side of the story. He should feel free to say no.

And then together, where you can share, he can ask additional questions, and the therapist is there to mediate the impact.

This is really good advice - thank you ❤️

I think rather than making it a big dramatic "Son, I have something to tell you..." conversation - which might give the impression that you've been lying (by omission or outright) for most of his life - I'd try to let the conversation occur naturally.

EG next time he comes home from his dad's feeling low, ask him what's up and let him lead the conversation talking about his feelings. Then ask him to think about whether his dad is the kind of man he wants to be in the future. Does he think his dad is a kind parent. Point out that sometimes we have to walk away from people who treat us unkindly... "And that's why I had to make the decision to walk away from your dad."

Good luck. It's a really difficult thing for both of you to navigate.

This is also a really helpful perspective / suggestion - thank you ♥️

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