Dp feels bad about himself

[Noshadealltea]

Hoping for some advice on how to help my DP.

Background: when we got together 5 years ago I was fresh out of rehab, didn’t have a job, was just finding myself after a 10 + year long addiction to drink and drugs and two really awful awful abusive relationships. He was stable, had a good job/home/life.

Fast forward to now: We have an 18 month old daughter, bought a house using some of my inheritance, moved across country to be closer to his family. I earn significantly more than he does (I’ve started my own business and it’s really taking off) and my work is flexible allowing me to be home with our daughter in the afternoons whereas he is working in the same career and has taken a step back in terms of pay as he didn’t want to work unsocial hours and miss time with our daughter any longer - I FULLY support this. He said he feels unattractive, that he has gained weight and that he can see me climbing higher and achieving whereas he hates his job and feels stuck.

I love him and I want to help him feel good about himself, I just don’t know how. I can’t (and actually don’t want to) take a step back from work as my increase in earnings has allowed him to take the step back and be present in our family life, so we can’t afford for me to scale back in that sense, and I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am that I wouldn’t want to even if we could. I have reassured him to the best of my ability that I think he is wonderful and I love that he is home with us more, but I don’t think it really makes him feel any better about things.

I just hate seeing him so down on himself, and want to help. Does anyone have any ideas how I could do this without sacrificing what I’ve built up myself?

TIA

I wish he was asking this question about how he could be proactive. I would be recommending he considered weight loss injections, going to the gym, doing a program like intermittent fasting or something similar in order to lose weight, depending on how much weight he needs to lose. I'd recommend he looked at his qualifications and experience and looked at where he wanted to be in the future and asked you and friends if they could think how he could get there. I'm concerned that you are the one thinking and worrying about this when it should be coming from him. I'm sure you know from your addictive days that any change had to come from you and it didn't matter how much anybody else tried to help you, unless you were the one driving it, it was never going to work. Huge congratulations on overcoming all that. I'm dying to know what your business is but I think you shouldn't tell everyone!

He needs to look for a better job, no? Do you not want him to because you need him at home for childcare?

Can he help in your biz or this crossing lines and making it weird for you both?

OK difficult questions. ‘Fresh out of rehab’ is interesting. I assume they told you not to have a relationship for at least a year… And one of the reasons is this. You’re like a Bambi, teetering around and you attract people who also have some needs. Often that means codependency and all that. In this case it seems to mean that you’ve done the work, progressed and he is now mismatched. He still has the insecurities and issues. He may need a needy partner. And you aren’t now.

Family therapy.

Well, the two things he says are making him unhappy have obvious fixes. Get fit, and look for a new job. Much easier said than done I know, but taking the first steps to changing his situation are in his own hands.

He should think about what kind of exercise suits him best - whether that's joining a gym and hiring a personal trainer, or doing couch to 5k. Anything that fits into his lifestyle logistically and that he'll enjoy enough to stick with.

Job-wise is it his specific role/company bringing him down, or his career overall? Sounds like he's in a relatively fortunate position as the OP's business is doing so well, which relieves a bit of financial pressure. So he can take some time in finding a role that's perfect for him, or he can even pivot into an industry he prefers.

I get the vibe from the OP that she thinks it's her responsibility to fix these things for her husband - it isn't. It's just to support and encourage him. People respond differently to different forms of encouragement so she'll know best whether building up his confidence gently or giving him a (verbal) kick up the arse will work best.

A couple of other unspoken factors might be 1) he's feeling (subconsciously?) emasculated by the OP's success - this is just something he will have to get over, and 2) OP says they moved closer to her family - does he have a decent support network of his own? Did he leave his friends behind, is he near his family, has he made new friends? I suspect that might be a pretty huge contributing factor to his depression.