Husband keeping things from me: am I right to be annoyed?

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Back history: my husband has always lied to me and kept things from me. We almost split up in February this year due to it (and other indiscretions) but he promised to change.

My brother in law is getting married next May. My husband isn’t the best man (whole other story) but has been added to a WhatsApp group chat by the best man to discuss the stag do. It is to take place in April next year and it will be a few days away in a European City. Three weekend dates have been suggested and the best man has asked everyone to vote. My husband has voted for the dates HE is free. He has decided not to discuss said dates with me before voting and in fact he hasn’t told me about the stag do at all. It has now been two months since they began organising it. I have not told my husband I know about the WhatsApp group/stag do.

(I found out because his cousin’s (another attendee) girlfriend messaged me about it assuming I knew already).

We have a 5 year old daughter who I have just begun to home school and two large dogs. The dates of the stag do are very close to our 15 year wedding anniversary next year. Am I wrong or right to feel annoyed that he has failed to discuss a somewhat important event with me? I assume he will eventually tell me but probably closer to the date and when flights have been booked/paid for. I feel devalued by yet again having things kept from me especially when he has other responsibilities at home now aside from just a wife.

So you have a husband with a track record of lying being secretive with you about a stag do in Eastern Europe?
No prizes for guessing what he will be getting up to on the stag do.

Personally OP i would have ended my marriage when if I found my H was a liar.

Given you know what he is like this latest behaviour can't be surprised to you.
I''m sorry OP but that's who he is.

Unless he’s said yes to a date which is actually ON rather than somewhat close to your wedding anniversary, I don’t see why he would necessarily tell you until the date/plan is agreed upon because then there’s something to tell.

Presumably you assumed there would be a stag do and he would be going and it’s not for another 8 months so I don’t think this is necessarily lying to you or keeping stuff from you not to tell you every proposed date of the unplanned event…

I totally agree. Liars are a hard no for me, it’d be over at the first lie.

I do t see the lies or any dishonest thing other than your being dramatic. I can't think of any males in my family from father,brothers,hubby etc who would share things like this unless it was a set date and tbh even then they don't think like we women and will go aye that's fine. Neither would I wonder why he was in group chats that I wasn't. It's not dishonest he just hasn't said anything like most men do tbf.

This wouldn’t work for me. I’d book something with a friend for one of those dates and tell him!

My exH of 18 years was exactly the same as this. Always dropping things on me last minute so there was no option of discussion or compromise meaning he always got what he wanted. Stag doos, new motorbikes, /cars etc. Yet I never had a "treat" despite being an equal earner and doing all the housewife and mom duties. He wasn't very hands on.
Learn from my mistakes and just call him out on it. Tell him you now know and how you came to find out. Don't let it fester or turn into an argument. Be upfront. Then plan something for yourself too. Marriages should be equal.

I'd say it's OK for him to work out the details with the other staggers and let you know once the decision is final, but if voting was offered it was silly of him not to check with you to see if the days HE preferred were really dates he could go (unless perhaps he doesn't really care about going to the stag and would be just as happy to have an excuse to stay home). But if he books the flights without telling you, as you expect he will, then that's a huge problem. Because of your 5yo, he logically can't just book a flight that takes him away overnight without discussing it with you; what would happen if you decided to book a solo trip without telling him and it ended up being the same dates?

Isn’t it time you accept that this is who he is? He promised to change and hasn’t. I can not see the point waiting for him to be different.

Massive overreaction from you OP in my opinion. If a date hasn't been fixed yet then he has no need to tell you really. My husband would keep me informed but perhaps yours is waiting until the date is confirmed. As for you having a 5 year old and two dogs, surely you can cope for a few days? I have four kids and work full time and I would be encouraging my husband to go off and have fun. Also the 15 year anniversary can be celebrated before or after?

I get how frustrating it must be having a husband that doesn’t share details of his life like that. That would definitely annoy me. Apart from it being impractical it’s also emotionally distancing.
However, assuming he had told you, your reasons to object to the dates are unreasonable. Two dogs and a five year old isn't that big a deal (ans that’s never going to change unless you maybe put the dogs into boarding kennels for the trip to save you some hassle) and neither is the fact the trip is close to your anniversary imo.

I don’t think it’s an overreaction, when you live with someone you discuss things like possible meet-ups with friends and trips away. It’s not necessarily to ask for permission but to check there are no clashes.

He probably doesn’t see it as lying because he hasn’t directly lied but it is a symptom of poor communication and taking it for granted that op will always be there to look after dc.

Sorry op I don’t think he’ll change, so you need to decide if you can put up with it.

When you use the term 'keeping things from you', they have rather serious implications.
What I've read in your post doesn't add up to 'keeping things from you'. Not in the example you've given now, maybe in the past though.

What happened here sounds more like someone who's thoughtless, who doesn't communicate well, who lives off his own calendar en doesn't check in with his family.
Keeping things from you would have a malicious intention: consciously deciding to withhold information that's important for you to have.
Do you think he ever thought: "I should tell my partner this, but for x, y, z reasons I don't want to. So even though she needs to know, I'm choosing not to tell her"
Or is it more likely that he's just living on his own little island and the thought of discussing things with you doesn't even cross his mind?

What's he actually doing to change? It can take therapy and dedicated hard work to change the habit of lying particularly if he has lied his while life. That's years of an ingrained habit/mindset. If he has just given you lip service then nothing will change.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone I can't trust. With someone who assumes I'm going to keep their life running for them whilst they decide a date that suits them and tells me nothing about it. Will he be notifying work or just tell them the day before his off? It's disrespectful. I prefer to work as a team and discuss things together so everyone knows we are on the same page.

Given you nearly split up this year he should be doing everything to rebuild trust.

If course he should check with you first, you'll be looking after your child and pets while he's away. It's just common courtesy.
Tbh though, if I was you I'd be living apart from him by then so it wouldn't matter when he goes.

I think you’re over reacting. It’s quite far off and nothings been set in stone. Do you have any specific plans for any of those dates, if so have you discussed them with him? I wouldn’t view our wedding anniversary as a reason not to attend a stag do. We can celebrate another time. Do you even want to celebrate as it doesn’t sound like it’s a happy marriage.

I guessed you believed his promise to change. Look at his actions here, not mere words. He has not changed, he just wants you to think he has. He has lied to you to get out of trouble.

You have a daughter; would you want her to be with a man like this in her relationships because you have chosen to do so, well up until now at least?. No you would not and you would want better for her. Do not remain in such a marriage because of your child or for a lifestyle you want to maintain.

Where does it say Eastern Europe? You make a massive assumption there.

I do agree he should be being more transparent about plans. At the same time, I cannot see that a stag do near the date of an anniversary, not even on it, is that big a deal. It doesn't read as anything having already been planned for this anniversary, so OP could easily open a conversation about how she would like to celebrate and give him the chance to be open rather than also keeping the secret that she knows about the stag.

Sorry it doesn't say Eastern Europe. That was me misreading.
All though tbh I doubt whether it makes much difference which city it is because these stag dos are all about drinking and womanising which ever city they are in.
Just gross behaviour but particularly so when it's married men and those with children reenacting their single lives.

Back history: my husband has always lied to me and kept things from me. We almost split up in February this year due to it (and other indiscretions)

Well that's the real problem isn't it? I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who "always" lies to me, indicating a pattern of it.

Starting to arrange a stag do for next year around the time of an anniversary is a non-issue to me. They haven't even set the dates yet, it doesn't clash with any existing plans and it's eight months away. I wouldn't expect (or want) to be informed of the when-shall-we date-wrangling at this stage and I wouldn't think to inform DP either yet. But then we're not in a relationship where either of us has a history of lying to the other.

This all depends on how controlling you are/aren't and whether you're likely to fly off the handle.

So you have a 5 year old and 2 dogs, does that mean neither of you can ever go anywhere without the other one?

No matter which date he picked or whether he told you or not, you'd still have a 5 year old and 2 dogs 😳

I'm a truthful person but my ex husband would've flown off the handle if I said I wanted to go on a hen do for a few days, and made me feel awful about it.

Therefore, I used to tell him things at the last minute to limit the amount of misery he'd make sure I felt.