Is this disrespectful behaviour

[Scorpio83]

Hi, I’ve been with my BF for 7 years, I’m 41 with 4 children, he is 3 years younger. I’m his first serious relationship and he moved in with me from his parents. He doesn’t drive and still relies on his mum to take him to work, often at 5.30 am and she will pick him up at 10pm. I was helping with lifts, but stopped due to my own work amd family commitments.

I’ve suggested he starts learning to which he agreed but he hasn’t. He spends 4-5 times training MMA a week and 5-7 days training in the gym. Fast forward a few years I ended the relationship as he had make no effort in learning to drive or to learn basic things like his fair share of cooking and cleaning, i felt like I had 5 kids not 4.

6 months later we got back together but he now lives back with his mother, with him promising he was going to learn to drive but fast forward another 2 years and he hasn’t had one lesson, He pays a large chunk of his wages to his mum so is saying he can’t afford to, I’ve offered him to move back to save some money providing he books his lessons, and has his own independence. He has said he’s happy to do it but isn’t doing it.

I am starting to feel really low in myself as his actions aren’t matching his words amd I’m constantly going round in circles with him, but he twists it round on me and says that maybe my negativity is due to a lack of vitamins or maybe I need to increase training in the gym to release more endorphins, when in reality I’m feeling down because I feel he’s manipulating me.
All he cares about is work and the gym.
I’ve told him it’s not working between us as I don’t feel he’s showing our relationship any commitment.
He was supposed to meet me today so we could talk things through but he cancelled this morning saying he’s had a really tough week in work, he’s shattered so was going to spend the day chilling out, but I’ve since found out he went to the gym this morning and then to MMA this evening. I’m really disappointed and hurt, I feel really disrespected. Am I overreacting. Sorry for the long post, thanks for reading.

Nope. Not overreacting. But it’s the same thing over and over. He’s not going to change. Ever.

You can have your freedom though.

He isn't going to change, you might as well cut your losses and walk away from him. Your life will be much better without him.

He’s obviously happy with the ways things are - just pleasing himself really. He is telling you all that you need to know.

He went from his mother’s to you and you became a mother type figure to him as well.

Please don’t waste any more time and effort on this manchild. You need a partner and instead you got yourself a project.

He is furthermore tight and a crap example of a bf to be showing your children. He can also use his mother as a reason and excuse not to get serious with you.

Read Women who love too much by Dr Robin Norwood.

He's not going to change. Move on.

He's a giant man baby obsessed with his physical appearance and looking hard, but is completely under his mummy's apron strings. Cringe central.

Do not let him move in with you again. I'm not bothered if someone drives or not as I live in the centre of a city. But all the rest would knock me sick with mega-ick. 🤣

I think you’ve realised it yourself but don’t quite want to admit it fully - it’s not working, he won’t change, he’s used to doing his own thing, he’s happy being selfish and he feels great that he doesn’t have to lift a finger to do anything.

I’m surprised you see him at all if he works those hours and spends that much time at the gym and doing MMA.

You can carry on your relationship in the same manner as it is, or you can move on.

He sounds as if he’s a mummy’s boy who cannot fend for himself. If he’s got you or his mum to cook, clean and drive him everywhere, he’s thinking why should he make the effort and change? I cannot believe a parent who be getting up at that time of morning to drive their 38 year old child to work!!! And back again at 10pm. That’s absolutely unbelievable. Most people would be horrified if they were making a parent get up at that time for them every day. What’s wrong with him to think this is acceptable?

He’s not a good role model for your children. What do they think about him anyway?

Say goodbye to mummy’s boy, permanently this time. He will never, ever change.

He doesn't want a partner, he wants a new Mummy. Your relationship can never work, unless you are looking for a manbaby.

He has his mum take him to work at 05:30 and she picks him up from work..wow! Please don't have him move back in with you, he sounds a right tit.

Leave him where he is and move on with your life. Be happy and independent.

Thanks all, the not driving is just a small part of it, he doesn’t help with cooking, cleaning, DIY, gardening etc and it was getting me down.
I know deep down I deserve better and that he will not change but when someone twists things and won’t take accountability or responsibility you start to doubt yourself. I know what I need to do. Onwards and upwards. Thanks x

Well good for you Scorpio. I am glad you have realised what he is. He must have been a big emotional drain. It will be a relief now. Look after yourself and your kids.

Stop getting back together with this man child!!! Stop wasting your time. In 7 years he’s proved he’s not willing to change.

Uuggghh why are you bothering with this man-child? Do yourself a favour and kick him to the kerb. Actions speak louder than words and his actions speak volumes!

Find yourself a grown-up person to date. Someone who can feed himself and get himself to places without you or his other Mum.

NO you are not over-reacting. Under-reacting if anything.
He has had 7 years, multiple warnings - nah. Better off without him.

He sounds like a teenager!
Op, why would you want to be with him? He's a man-child who's mummy drives him to work...what must his colleagues say about him behind his back?!
He sounds like the most selfish, spoiled brat who somehow has the audacity to give life advice to you about vitamins and the gym! I think for all his arrogance, he's definitely taken the mick out of by work, gym and mma gang and you should get over him and find yourself a proper man. Good luck!

He sounds so much like someone I know, who sadly my best mate is obsessed with (although thankfully not with anymore).

He will not change. Why would he, what an easy life!

Occasionally I ponder giving up life’s responsibilities for a couple of days and returning to my parents to be fussed over. Never do it though as I’m an adult. He is not.

I’m certainly not making excuses for him but He does have good qualities he is very calm, patient and kind to my children but it’s not enough. As weird as it sounds although his mum takes him to work daily, they don’t have the best relationship,, They hardly talk to each other & have quite a strained relationship.
probably because she’s pissed off at running him around everywhere, but she shouldn’t do it. It’s not helping him. I think she relies on him being there for extra income as she’s got a new job which isn’t as well paid as her previous so they depend on each other but I don’t think it’s healthy. I’ve asked if he plans to get his own place but he says he feels it’s his job to support his mum as she’s struggling (probably an excuse)
He asks me why his positives aren’t enough for our relationship .😂
It’s very difficult as my son has bonded really well with him he has ASD & MLD and it hit him hard when we separated last time but happy mum happy kids. I know what I need to do.

Your son has not bonded ... He's made a friend ... Presumably because the adult man is a child.

Ditch him. He's only ever going to make you sad and desperate to improve him. He's not your child, he's a man who has failed to launch.

From the sounds of it you both want different things from your relationship - you are looking for a partner to share life with, he is looking for a second mother and it sounds like he has found one. You cannot keep this situation going for the sake of your kids - you need to prioritise yourself or you will end up really miserable.