End of a relationship - so bloody tough

[DollyPentreath]

Hi I don't know why I'm posting really. Just to say that I'm fifty and my 5 1/2 relationship has recently come to an end and I'm finding it so, so hard. Everything seems so bleak and sad and like there's nothing to look forward to. It had limped on for the last two years admittedly, with me getting more and more frustrated by his refusal to commit to anything, and this seemed almost perverse by the end. I was bottom of his priorities for everything - this is ok when it comes to his adult children and work (mostly anyway - he works in emergency services so obviously normal hours are out), but when it came to not making plans in case something better turned up, it was not fine. So I know it was the right thing to do to have The Talk, but I'm still utterly devastated. When it was good, it was so good and I think I have spent the last couple of years trying to get the "good" back and failing. I think he did that man thing of behaving badly enough to make the woman finish it.

While it was I who instigated the talk, it was he who actually did the walking away and this hurts so bloody much. I look around and everything reminds me of the times we spent together - things in the house (we didn't live together), so many photos, different places, beaches, walks etc. We shared loads of interests and hobbies and they feel too sad to do any more. It's been six weeks, and while sometimes I feel like I can do it, often (like this evening) I feel like I'm drowning it it. I'm just really bloody lonely I guess, and craving physical contact like it's a drug. I have no children or family nearby. It's just devastating.

I don't know what I want out of this post. Just reassurance I will feel less shit soon I guess. Where do all these tears come from? They're like a bottomless well.

I'm so sorry. It's horrible. You are bound to be upset.

He's got a nerve treating you like second best though. It will take time to feel better but you will. Should he come back try not to as it will be the same thing over again.

Yeah there was talk about "being friends" but I know deep down it would be more of the same. Does it ever work being friends afterwards once you have got over the initial pain?

So sorry that you’re feeling down. I’ve had the ‘treat her badly so she’ll finish with me’ treatment too. It’s such shitty behaviour. I found it helped to find my anger about the behaviour. It’s very weak and pathetic. I’d rather be on my own than with someone too lazy to make an effort and too lazy to finish it!

Thank goodness you have your own home. If I were you I’d take down any photos and put away anything that reminds him of you. Please pick your hobbies back up again. You’ll meet new people and start making new memories. You may not have family or children nearby but do you have friends you can catch up with?

It’s ok to have down days but are your tears really for him? Or for what might have been? He’s not the man you thought he was. You’ve admitted yourself that the last 2 years haven’t been great. It’s time to pick yourself up, dust yourself down and move on.

I can absolutely reassure you that you will feel so much better in a year’s time. Maybe sooner.
Many of us have been where you are now.

You must go absolutely no contact with him. It’s an absolute game changer for getting over him.

Take the photos off the sideboard, move the ones on your phone into a hidden folder. Put away in the attic or donate his stuff so you can’t see it. Re-decorate your bedroom and chuck out his toothbrush!

Im older than you and I’m still in recovery but if anyone had told me I’d get to feel happy again I’d never have believed them. I joined a gym, I swim, walk, go away alone and after more years together than you had, I’m through the worst of it and with effort you will get there too. Trust the process!

Don’t bother ‘being friends’… he didn’t make the effort when you were together, why would he make the effort after? Why would you want to be friends with someone who puts you at the back of the queue? You don’t want his crumbs… cut him off!

So sorry this has happened to you - same here for me just over a year ago. It’s taken me a year to function - I went on holiday on my own, picked up sport and hobbies again, but I have to admit that he “broke” part of me and I think I have made the decision not to date again. I just can’t hurt like that ever again.

Try to focus on the things that weren’t right. I wallow in what the good things were and all the things I did wrong instead of remembering why it wasn’t working and the crap things they did.

Cry, be sad, then get back on with your life without someone who doesn’t treat you with consideration and affection.

A friend told me to make a giant mind map of all the reasons why it went wrong and to look at it every time I feel sad about it.

This feels much worse than when exH and I separated, because it felt like in this relationship, we were both older, wiser, more realistic. I never wanted to marry him and have half his pension. I just wanted someone to do stuff with, to go places with, to chill out on the sofa in front of the telly, to have long chats on the phone. And for a while I was getting all those things and more and it was amazing. I see now that I was properly love bombed - it felt like I'd never had that kind of love before. But all it gave me mentally in the end was extreme anxiety.

Also exH and I HAD to carry on seeing each other because of work and various other things, and we have worked through it all and genuinely become very good friends. It helps to see him regularly and to witness the kind of things that used to drive me wild about him, because I can then think "Thank goodness I don't have to listen to him eating at home" etc. But having the more recent relationship so abruptly totally cut off means all I'm doing is craving the physical presence like a drug. I can't bear the thought of ever opening myself up to such hurt again, but nor can I bear the idea of never having that reassuring physical presence and contact ever again, ever. I'm a mess.

Thank you for your replies.

Definitely don’t be friends. That will end up being very hurtful.
Join a new club and meet new people or go to the gym or text every friend you have.

It sounds like he had 2 years to sort it out and make more effort and he chose not to do you have made the right decision.

Im sort of in the same boat. Dumped for raising his bad behaviour. Then a week later he wanted to meet up but didn’t even seem very apologetic so I said no. So I know I’m better off without him but it just takes time to get used to it. Missing them isn’t always about them it’s the change of routine etc. I’m on my own this weekend as my son is away but I’m meeting a friend at the pub Saturday night. If I get bored/ lonely any other time I’ll go to the gym.

I just feel really old and washed up,like there's nothing to look forward to. Being perimenopausal has a lot to do with it I guess. I'm self employed so don't have colleagues to take my mind off it. I am going out with some very old friends tomorrow evening. I'm dreading the winter - I always get depressed in November anyway because of the lack of light.

I have booked a week away next month to somewhere I've always wanted to go to.

Sorry - this is a bit of a stream of consciousness.

@Daisy12Maisie that's a really good point about missing them often being more about the change of routine. I'm just surprised I don't feel better than this after six weeks

6 weeks is nothing. You’re really in the very newly broken up zone. And will be for a while yet.
Not recommending it but I took sleeping pills every night at 8pm just to get through the first 3 months of a break up. So that I wouldn’t have to be awake for too long. That’s how tough break ups are.
Give yourself time.
New interests, new routine, time.

I'm pretty much snacking on beta blockers 😁

They are prescribed! The doc said I could have three a day. Sometimes I do, sometimes I have fewer.

Solidarity to those going through or have recently been through the same, and thanks again.

I think 6 weeks is a short period of time. Just keep doing other things, finding your new routine.

Hello, I just wanted to come on and say I went through my marriage breakup last year and felt so much like you do. One of the things that helped me was kind of ‘intellectualising’ how I felt (heartbroken), and I came across Guy Winch and his TED talk, then I also read his book. He explains the ‘science’ behind heartbreak and how it’s the exact same as withdrawing from drugs (same parts of brain etc), and it just made me feel so much less alone and normalised how I was feeling. 6 week is nothing, and it’s so normal to have good days and bad days. A saying I heard at the time is “the only way out is through” - you WILL get through it ❤️ I’ve posted the link to the TED talk, hope you find it useful!
www.ted.com/dubbing/guy_winch_how_to_fix_a_broken_heart?language=en&utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

I broke up with my dp of 3.5 years ago a month ago and I will echo another poster above and say absolutely block and delete all history.

I blocked as soon as I got home after ‘the talk’ and I’d say after 10 days and the initial relief had been and gone I slumped quite a bit but it was the realisation of the no ‘good morning’ or ‘night texts’ it was the Friday nights now spent alone. It’s realising it wasn’t ‘him’ per se.

I also was trying to archive our chats and accidentally ended up clearing them all which I initially felt sick about but actually I’m so glad I did otherwise I know on my lower days I would have gone scrolling down them looking at photos and reminiscing and rewriting history.

I KNOW he wasn’t the right guy for me just as you know the same for you. Listen to your gut.

Im in no hurry to look for another man all they seem to do is bring you stress and anxiety. Im going to give myself time to focus on my kids, friends and hobbies all things that are worthy of my time.

Let yourself be sad though I feel like it’s letting the poison out of a wound no point covering it up. It’s good to grieve now it’s the end of something and I’ve heard lots of times it’s the relationship failing after a failed marriage that can sometimes hit hardest probably because we have so many secret hopes that now we are wise to what makes a bad relationship we will be able to make a better second go of it. But we’re human and it relies on so many factors to make it work. At least you’ve developed the wisdom to know when to bow out. I think of that now that I don’t need to do big compromises if I get in another serious relationship. I know what I can let go of and what are deal breakers and it’s incredibly freeing.

Thinking of you OP though it’s hard.
(As a practical tip I’ve found decluttering podcasts and fiction audio books while I sort the house massively helped as I can see a visual improvement and makes me tired so I sleep better too!)

Thank you for that. I'll have a listen.

Yes, it's the slow realisations which I'm finding the hardest. The having to let go of the hope that he'll change and we'll be happy as long as x, y and z is achieved. The feeling of no one having my back - even though actually, honestly, he didn't really. The bloody loneliness. Yes, the Friday nights on my own - I no longer have the energy after a hard week at work to go out and socialise and just want to snuggle up with him on the sofa and have a lie in and a cup of tea the next morning, and then off on a coastal walk or something if the weather's good. The letting go of the future I thought for a while I'd found - like @IfyouStealMySunshine says, I deleted all our chat history going back to the beginning in a fit of pique/"moving on", and then found myself panicking about that now I can no longer look through and read those loved up messages to remind myself how it felt. I'm even grieving for bloody WhatsApp messages FFS, and then spend a lot of time castigating myself for that level of patheticness. It's a head fuck and no mistake. Especially as the main reason for the break up is him wanting to remain in control of his life rather than having to make the compromises that "being in a relationship" entails. He was just as upset as I was.

Don't think I can be arsed with this ever again, but I'm only 50!

I hear you. I was married for 25 years and divorced about 8 months ago. Thought I was doing ok until I heard he was seeing someone else. Totally threw me and am still grieving.
Unfortunately because we have DC I can’t go no contact. Im sure I would would have been able to get over him much quicker if I didn’t have to communicate

Ah shit, that's really hard isn't it? I remember that awful kick in the guts feeling after I got divorced. You think you're working through it and getting there...then that. Tough times x But you'll get there.