I’ve been in a 5-year relationship with my ex’s friend. It happened by chance, around 8 months after my ex broke up with me. That relationship was very toxic — he refused to change or work on anything. After we broke up, I was doing well, started healing mentally, went to therapy, and somehow, I started getting close to my current boyfriend (the ex’s friend). Even though it was a complicated situation, we continued to see each other for years because it felt good — there was chemistry, understanding, and a genuine connection.
However, he never wanted to take any steps to make our relationship public or inform my ex that he wanted to be with me. He believes he’ll lose his whole friend group, be judged, and people will be mad at him, and he sees it as a morally wrong situation with no way out. On the other hand, he stayed with me for years because he said he loved me, and it felt good to him. Contradictory, no?
The last two years were unbearable. He’s always been emotionally unavailable — like he lacks empathy and emotional intelligence. He never says “I love you,” never wants to hug or kiss in public because he sees it as “cringey.” He doesn’t send heart emojis or act soft, affectionate, or gentle — he says it feels unnatural to him. I even adjusted to that, even though I express so much more love and emotion than he does. But it always felt like walking on eggshells — I constantly had to push him just to get a tiny bit of affection back. It was hard, but somehow I adapted to living like that…
And that’s just one part. The rest — where he started to truly hurt me — are moments I ignored way too many times over the years:
- He hides me from everyone, even people not connected to my ex (friends, relatives…).
- He introduced me as “a friend” multiple times in front of colleagues.
- When I want to attend public events with him, he avoids them and ends up going with someone else.
- I tell him in advance that I want to spend the holidays together — he goes with others instead.
- He always decides where we go out. If I suggest something, he usually refuses it.
- We only meet when he wants, and for as long as he wants.
- If I bring up a problem, he shuts me down, ignores me, or gaslights me — and somehow I always end up being the one at fault.
In summary, we can’t communicate. He doesn’t understand when something hurts me. He always has some “rational explanation” for everything, but the meaning, the principle behind things, doesn’t matter to him. He always manages to flip it back on me — my reaction, my emotions, my tears, the way I speak or write… Every time, he finds a way to twist it so that I’m the problem. He’s never once apologized. Never taken responsibility. Just blames me for my reactions to his actions.
That’s what hurts the most — how can someone claim they love you, yet be so emotionally blind to your pain? To not even care when they see you crying?
I tried everything — being kind, soft, patient, cold, assertive — nothing works. It’s like his ego is just too massive.
And on top of all that, the last 2 years he’s done things that feel inhumane, weird, and deeply hurtful.
The most recent situation:
He went to his 10-year high school reunion. His ex-girlfriend (whom he used to see secretly, no one knows about it) was also there. At that point, they were blocked, no contact. But she unblocked him just so she could see the group chat and reshare a photo of the class to her Story. I reacted — I noticed they weren’t following each other, so it was suspicious. He said he just wanted the photo as a memory, and she posted it first, so he reshared it. I let it go.
Next week, his friend group invites him to the beach — and boom, she’s there again. He reshared her Story again, and the excuse was, “It’s just a memory, nothing else happened. She tagged me, and it’d be weird if I’m the only one not resharing it.”
We fought again, and I was hurt, but I moved past it. He told me I needed to trust his word.
Third week, he gets invited to lunch again with the same group. At that time, I was traveling to another city — he didn’t even ask if I arrived safely. And again, he posted a Story — and she’s sitting right next to him. His excuse? “Why shouldn’t I go just because she’s there? I was in the photo, she sat next to me only because her other position wasn’t flattering for the picture.”
We had a huge fight. He showed zero emotion, no guilt, no sadness, not even a “sorry.”
Meanwhile, I was in Bulgaria at a concert, and for two days he kept asking how I was, but never once apologized or made any gesture to prove me wrong. I was dying inside. I couldn’t understand what was happening.
When I came back, we argued again. I still couldn’t process why he kept going to events where she was — where’s the respect and principle in that? How can he repeat something three times that he knows hurts me?
And finally, he broke up with me, saying he couldn’t deal with my “paranoia,” the constant fighting, and that for the past year, he hadn’t felt happy. That he’s been mentally preparing to end it for a while. That there’s no future for us.
Even though “it was hard for him” and I “meant a lot” to him…
What truly hurts me:
He never acknowledged where he went wrong. I’ve always been the one trying, always the one pushing things forward. He says he loves me, but his actions scream the opposite. I just don’t get how someone can act this way. How can someone who supposedly loves you be this cold?
I can’t find a way to reach him or get him to open up. He’s an incredibly difficult person.
And even after all this — after the breakup — he didn’t fully disappear. He kept messaging, pulling me back in. But now, suddenly, he’s ignoring me again. He says he’s always too busy, that “something is always happening,” that he has no time to talk. Days go by without a word from him, unless it’s something random and meaningless. I’m left stuck with intrusive thoughts, obsessing about why he doesn’t care, why he’s so distant, why I wasn’t worth choosing.
That’s the hardest part: I know, deep down, that he never truly chose me. Not in front of his friends, not in front of the world, and not even in front of me. And yet, I still ache for him. I still wonder if he’ll treat the next girl better, if he’ll finally be soft and loving with someone else in ways he never was with me.