What have I done?

[minorityrules]

Back story, I have a dear friend. We originally met in an internet forum 8 years ago. We have chatted many a night or day since. I have chatted regularly with his wife. We have been to their house as a family about 10 times, his wife has stayed here twice for a girls night out, he has stayed here a few times for dinner/work.

So I am friends with them both. I know the inside of their marriage. She will not have sex with him again, she has told me and him that. they haven't been intimate for 6 years.

So now the problem. He stayed here last weekend due to work. We went for dinner as usual drank 4 bottles of wine (still usual) but this time we got intimate, he said he loves me and has for 8 years. I adore him but I don't love him ( i don't think, we are perfect in brain and thought, but he isn't my type and of course am hating myself for doing the deed when I love his wife too!) I told him exactly that

Now he is different on msn/phone. Still there but not there in some way, if that makes sense

I told him, we can't go there ever again, he says we can to return to how we were before

Can we??? Have I fucked up a brilliant friendship?? Should I walk away from dear dear friends??

(I know I'm a complete shit for doing this btw, I don't need telling I shouldn't have done it, but I do love them both as friends and don't want to lose them)

I think it is fucked up yes. It'll never be the same again. You'll give each other knowing/awkward glances whenever you're together, more so when partners are around.

The line has been crossed, and it's very difficult to turn the clock back and be how you were before your encounter.

It's not impossible - but if you value your friendship enough to make it work, both of you, then it could get there.

I'd just cool it all off, have some space from each other, then give it a chance at being "normal" again- but don't get drunk around him again.

If he can't reign his behaviour in, if he even mentions it again, then you'll have to back away from the friendship altogether, or decide if you like/love him enough to try and make a go of it with him.

it will not be the same again

i know this from a v close friend of mine who declared his feelings for me ( though we were and are both single)

from then on in it has never been right, as we used to be, and yes we did end up in bed

in my case he was honest enough to admit he didnt know how to handle his feelings for me when he saw me, but it has fundamentally changed our friendship, and i miss what we had, even though as far as i am concerned, he will always be my friend

When we spoke last was when the love thing came up, not on the fateful night. And I knew, I was just hiding from it

I guess it would have imploded at some point, even without the sex, really wish I knew how to handle it and dealt with it before the sex. I was just so lonely when we met (single 3 years) I don't know if he loves me or is just so sad in his marriage and thinks he does

We are due to his in June for family time (we live 200 miles apart) I have no idea what to do, I have to face his wife and be all 'nothing happened' if we cancel, she'll want to know why

I hve opened a can of worms and don't know how to shut it

(and I should have namechanged for this, doh)

how do you think she would react?

I don't know, from conversations, I think she knows he has played away before (he has a few times) and I think she expects it a little but not with me, I think she will rightly feel very betrayed

My selfish side thought sex was just sex, we scratched an itch and that was the end of it, then the love thing was raised

I ahve been so stupid

you are in a very difficult position, to state the obvious

had she ever indicated she would have no problem with something happening between you?

in all honesty i doubt he has loved you for 8 years, though he very probably has some feelings for you, but not as he tells you

i think this went to a new level, and afterwards you are both now wondering if it was such a a good idea, hence his shift in behaviour towards you

i think the only thing you can do is actually get him on his own and address it, tell him it happened and shouldnt have, and you need to make sure it remains as friends only in future, phone/msn is not enough in this case i think, you need to make him see you mean it

then ensure it stays that way

good luck though