Help with understanding relationship (potentially s abusive TW)

[ShurleyMansun]

TW potentially SA content
NC for this, have used MN since my child was born (they are 21) have changed some small details (years, etc slightly altered as don't want outed)
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Very nervous about posting, but not sure where to turn
Seriously rethinking my relationship with DH right now.

Currently menopausal (age 54) been married 10 years, together for over 30, one (adult) child. Stuff in the media is making me look at our relationship with a different angle. I was 18, he was 27 when we met , I was a student, he was a professional. I know some people can have long, happy relationships where they both feel equal with such an age gap (I think) but am starting to feel there have been a lot of red flags that I have ignored, to keep the peace, enjoy the nice times, not rock the boat etc.

There are a few instances of difficult things that I have chosen to "forgive" and leave in the past but are clearly still bothering me
He filmed us having sex without my consent once (well, I found the mobile phone once, no idea if there were other times) I got v angry and he was v apologetic, I have never consented to be filmed ever, he has suggested it and I have always said no. I have allowed pics, when I was younger, mortified now that I would agree to that, I have body issues (past eating disorder) which he knows about.

He used to try to persuade me to sleep naked, "its what everyone in a relationship does", I didn't want to. He also used to persuade me to "use my hands" if I had my period and therefore didn't feel like sex or anything similar. I have woken to him touching me when I was sleeping

I could go on

We have great times, he supported me through some serious health problems in the past, as I have him. We have fab holidays and lovely times together. We have a nice house and a good life. I am currently having a minor mental health crisis (thanks menopause) but this is all there in my head, I'm realising I've buried a lot.

Trying not to dripfeed but don't want to bombard with a huge post

Not sure what I want from this but don't know who to talk to, advice welcome

How do you feel about the things you've mentioned here?

It comes across clearly in your post that you're angry he filmed you without your knowledge or consent. And also that you don't trust him not to have done this before/after without your knowledge. That sounds like something you need to talk about with him.

The age gap when you were 18 was significant. And if you've felt you've had an imbalance of power in your relationship because of the tone that set at the start, you can address that now. Feel free to rock the boat now if that's what you need to do and you chose not to before.

The sleeping naked, intamacy on a period, being woken up to sex can be very normal in a relationship. If both people are happy with that. They're not red flags in themselves. It matters what you think, not what society says are red flags. You needed to have consented, verbaly or implicitly. You needed to have be happy with was happening.

Keep in mind how you felt then, not how you feel now. For example, the photos, did you freely consent when you were younger? You can look back on that time with embarrassment/horror that you did it, while still acknowledging that it was exciting or what you wanted at the time.

If you're talking about things that happen 30 years ago, also keep in mind that ideas and cultural norms around consent were vastly different, and it might be helpful to give both of you some grace and not hold yourselves to society's standards today.

Would you be able to talk with him about your shared history?

Hi, thanks for reply,
It's not 30 years ago though, we have been together about 30yrs, but these instances have been throughout our relationship, the filming was approx 7 years ago. The other stuff, the sleeping naked, sex on period etc was not my choices and he certainly knew that as I clearly would state I wasn't into that (so yes, I agree, these aren't red flags if people are into it but if one is not, then it seems not good to me for the other to push this). The photos were after persuasion, and alcohol. I don't especially care about them, I've shredded all that I can find, and they were pre-internet, thank goodness, although filming was mobile phone, so there could be pics

I'm struggling to put this together as I do feel he is a good man, and is mostly kind and caring but these situations contrast with that. I'm thinking, if he truly loved and cared for me (as he says he does) would he do these things? I definitely feel uncomfortable about a lot of this.

Perhaps marriage counselling is in order, definitely counselling of some kind for myself, at least.