Advice choosing counsellors / therapists for infidelity / rumination

[Larsson11]

Hello

Just wondered if anyone has had success with counsellors / therapists with getting over infidelity.

Short story when I first met my wife she revealed to me that after a month of dating she had cheated on me when on a girls trip - we patched things up but it's always eaten me. She said it was a drunken one stand but then I discovered she wrote meeting him inn her diary. Who writes the name of a one night stand? What made matters worse was her friends made a few comments at the time like "she had a great time that weekend" when they thought I didn't know. etc

We had a good few years but now fast forward 15 years and 2 kids I feel raw as ever. It's on my mind everyday - I love my kids and my own parents will be devastated but I feel totally trapped - like everyone else I just want to be happy and wish I could stop thinking about the past. I've said I'll see a therapist as a last roll of the dice but don't have much confidence and no idea what type to choose. I did call relate about 10 years ago and the person had no empathy at all. Can one chat with a counsellor really make a difference?

Respectfully, you are ruining your 15 year marriage over something that happened only one month into meeting your partner. I do think counselling might help to put things in perspective and explore the reasons why this is so important to you. Surely the life you have built since getting to know eachother properly is more important than a one night stand 15years ago when you barely knew each other?

Have a look on BABCP website or BACP or counselling directory to find a therapist.

This. You need to work hard to root out why you are allowing something completely inconsequential from a long time ago to dominate your thinking. What benefit does this bring you?

Totally understand but how can you control what runs through your mind?

After 15 years together and going through parenting of two children, surely you must see that your wife, who had a fling and perhaps wasn’t a serious about you after four weeks, is now a different person. Your life since then has changed both of you. I am sorry you are hurt and offended, but there is choice in that, that you are making. Being offended is a choice.Please go find a Counsellor or better yet, a psychologist, to help you see all of the love and trust that has got you this far in your relationship. Just be careful of “throwing the baby out with the bathwater”, without clarity. Jealousy is a bastard of an emotion and it’s a really tricky one to deal with. I wish you all the best.

Rumination is very annoying. My trick for dealing with it is to sit down and write it all out. Paper doesn’t judge you. Write out all the gory details of the crap that’s in your head then ask yourself is that true or is that anxiety? Jealousy? fear? You can always burn it afterwards. I also found hypnotherapy tapes useful by SteveG Jones.https://stevegjones.com/hypnosis-downloads/?srsltid=AfmBOoqkepfDnwdLhp_oVzSL5hfHQ0-F6ep2Cn0ycaqNRlUoPZ67puD3

if your mind is racing and you are anxious and not sleeping, et cetera, you need to see your GP… meditation yoga and relaxation. CDs worked for me for so long but now I find myself on antidepressants and I have mental peace.

It’s only thoughts- you can learn to choose how much time you spend on them, but focusing on something that happened a long time ago, that you can’t change will make you miserable. A good CBT therapist would be able to explore your intrusive thoughts, the meaning you making from them, if it’s linked to to any past issues of abandonment/betrayal/not being good enough etc and will be able to give you tools and techniques to stop ruminating.

Thanks for your advice - I don't think I have a trust issues it's more about that I just think it's cheap to shag someone else whilst seeing someone. I should have ended it there and then but didn't find out until after 3 months and at that point was in love. I just can't seem to move on and put it behind me.

Of course you can control it. You choose what you dwell on. You thought it was comparatively unimportant at the time. There’s a reason you’re choosing to think it’s suddenly unforgivable now, and it will be because there’s a benefit to you, whether or not you’re conscious of it. Good post from @Frida2023.

I always felt it was important and unforgivable but could deal with the pain but I as I have got older it just comes to me in waves. I am becoming more and more detached. The idea of going to social events with other couples who are truely happy and just exasperates the pain - I know I'm feeling sorry for myself but can't help it.

You have absolutely no idea what goes on in other people’s relationships.

You are passing judgement on your wife, calling her cheap. Why did you go ahead and marry her if you think she is cheap? You barely knew each other after 4 weeks. 15 years and 2 kids, loyalty for all that time surely is of far greater importance than a drunken one night stand? You need to stop punishing her for a youthful act or stupidity and look at the bigger picture.

I actually wonder if you are using this as an excuse to end your marriage but make it look like it was her fault.

I'm a therapist and work with people who ruminate and have obsessive thoughts. It's possible to let go of thoughts and create new ones. You can learn to filter and dismiss thoughts and a good therapist can show you. Check that it's a therapist who has a toolkit of techniques, maybe CBT or an experienced hypnotherapist. A negative thought like this can become habitual, but you can overcome it, if that is what you want.