Does it get any easier?

[ZestyLemons92]

After 15 years together my children’s father decided a few months ago he didn’t want this life anymore and text me to say he wasn’t coming back. What I find difficult the most is the fact of him and new partner constantly on my mind and it’s literally all I think about and I really don’t want to be one of them people. I do know my life has become better in reality I have lost 3 stone have time to go to gym, able to see friends when DC are with father and better financially which I’ve never done before yet I am still so heartbroken that he has done this and feel like all I can see is him having this happy life with someone that can make him happy when I couldn’t and it’s killing me does it get any easier, will I stop thinking about him and her all happy together at some point I hate this feeling.

It will get better and you’ll be happier.

@MamaElephantMama thanks I really hope so as it’s consumes so much of my time literally first thing when I wake up most of day and last thing at night

It definitely does get better. Have you considered counselling. Get a BACP registered counsellor in your area look on line . Or you can do a zoom one from anywhere. I had to also take anxiety meds .

but now I’m happily married to my 2nd husband for 25 years . There is life afterwards and huge congratulations for getting out going to the gym loosing the weight . You have done terrifically.
plan something nice, a holiday or nail polish or pedicure .

@Woofie7 ah that’s good to hear! Yes I started talking therapies I am already on sertraline dr did suggest increasing for a bit so maybe I will try that. Yeah I do feel like when he left his selfish behaviour and living he has been unable to keep that up as couldn’t afford it and in reality I am having the life he left to have as he wanted just I am the one who is obsessing over him and her and the heartbroken one and it doesn’t seem to have phased him in the slightest the split.

Yes it will get easier - it's still early days. But - I do think you need to make a concerted effort NOT to think about him. Each time you find yourself doing it, find a distraction - give the bath a scrub, go for a brisk walk/run, put the radio on and dance around the kitchen, give yourself a facial - anything to keep you occupied. Even if you can't do a physical distraction, when he pops into your head tell yourself firmly to STOP, I am not going to think about him. If you find yourself doing it in bed at night, watch tv or listen to a podcast or audio book.

Remember that he's probably not blissfully happy with her and that if he has behaved like an arsehole with you, it's likely he will with her too. A leopard doesn't change it's spots.

You're being directed to a better place. Signs of which are already coming to light. Relax and enjoy each day as it comes. All your suffering is caused by your imagination. Your imagination is not fact and certainly not true.

My favourite image/instruction for intrusive thoughts and anxiety is ‘don’t water the tomatoes!’ This comes from a book my grandson had when he was going through a rough patch at high school.
The premise is that the more you think about something is like watering and feeding tomato plants. The more you feed them the bigger they grow.

The solution was to find distraction technique until you train yourself to immediately switch that thought away to something else. Consequently the tomato plants shrivel up and die.
I found it helpful with intrusive thoughts.

Honestly OP it's only been a few months, you're in grief and need to give it at least a year.

You'll be completely over him when you are indifferent to his existence - it WILL happen I promise!

If you feel sad have a good cry, when you feel rage use it up with a run or brisk walk, or make some bread and take it out with kneading the dough!

You'll be OK, you'll see.

@Endofyear yeah I do try to distract myself with music and that but don’t do it enough. I find it hard as I never hear from him when he doesn’t have children but as soon as he has them or the day he’s meant to pick them up he constantly messaging asking to change times and days and I say no stick to original days and times we agreed then he turns nasty and I spiral so not enjoying my child free nights like I should be.

@Mysticguru that’s very true it is my imagination all day long I think about how much effort he is putting into see her and he wouldn’t even take one night off with me and children so I can’t help but feel jealous

@Indicateyourintentions i love the tomatoe story I will try that as it’s very true as I manifest all day on them 2 rather than trying to build a new life for myself

@BMW6 thank you I really hope so I feel so worthless I couldn’t make him happy but someone else who has her children living with her mother is able to it’s sad. I can’t wait for that day

I think woman process spilts completely differently from men.

Jealousy comes into it when other people are on the scene. That’s normal. It’s hard to understand how men can just seem to move on so quickly or how they can leave a relationship so easily for someone else.

My ex left me and was living with his Ow and her kids within 3 weeks ! That was after 20 years ! They just don’t seem to be able to do things the right way. Sex is never far from their minds and it drives their decision making. A friend of mine died and her husband had moved another woman in within 2 months!

It will get better I can promise you that. It just takes time.

@Nottyrash yeah I have started therapy to try and process it and yeah men do move on much quicker. Is your ex still with the same person he left for I think mine will do same as he has no money and won’t want to live at his mums forever so will be trying to get in her flat.