To carry on with unrealistic relationship

[timetobreathe2]

Context, I’m two years separated, but still living with DH with DC 8, 11. I’m exhausted from the pretending to be an happy family as no one actually knows as want to keep our children protected. We overall tolerate eachother, he’s a good person but we just don’t love each other any more. Separate bedrooms and we do our own thing but ad hoc not structured as to who has children and never discussed seeing other people, I imagine he suspects but never asked. Over last 2 years I have had a fling with someone I regularly bump into, was an amazing release after lack of any love/sex for many many years. Never actually planned to meet but know where eachother will be and have late night get togethers. Over 2 years feelings have developed. Decided last week we should have a proper date. It was honestly the best night of my life, went to a gig and stayed in hotel, connected so strongly, felt madly in love, to the point someone stopped me when he was getting a drink to tell me they couldn’t stop watching us as we looked so in love, so know it wasn’t just in my head. The whole night and next day was incredible. But after this, all ruined as had a chat the next night where we had to ask, but where is it going. He’s 15 years younger than me!! I’m on the edge of menopause, I can’t give him a future and I’m heartbroken. I’m clearly no spring chicken, but I’m hurting like a teenager in love, I can’t stop crying, I honestly feel bereft. I know we have to stop, it’s the right thing to do, but keep thinking, could we make it work. I’m of course also dealing with properly leaving my husband as can’t keep up the pretence which is exhausting me, but being heartbroken over the loss of another relationship that never was is what’s tipping me over the edge. I’m constantly secretly crying, almost having panic attacks and shaking legs, feel constantly anxious and I know I have never felt or acted like this before. I’ve now confided in one friend, who rightly says I need to focus on my husband and ending things properly and making sure I don’t break my family in the process and to use what has happened as evidence that I can love again and have amazing sex again and I do start to get my head around this but then I look at pictures he took and sent me from the night of us together and my heart aches with longing. Any words of advice to snap me out of it, where to seek help to move on (or even encourage it from experience!) I just don’t know what to do with myself!

I’ve NC for this.

I have been almost exactly where you are right now, down to living with my EXDH and becoming involved with someone 13 years younger than me.

I have never felt more alive, everything I was missing in my marriage was found in this man. We talked for hours, laughed constantly and couldn’t keep our hands off each other.

Realistically, it would never have worked long term and after a few on/off years it ended. We went no contact for two years, he got back in contact in June for a few weeks just to catch up, he is with someone his own age now and I’ve not heard from him since.

Ultimately we were at completely different life stages, and the things we pushed away during the honeymoon period became much bigger issues as time went on. I didn’t introduce him to my children because I knew deep down it wasn’t forever, but I suspect if I had then the drudgery of kids and normal life would have brought it to an end much sooner.

I think you know in your heart of hearts it won’t last, but that first relationship after a marriage breakdown is usually intense and leaves us grief stricken when it’s over.

It’s really hard OP, trust me I know, but if you continue with a relationship that has no future you’re missing out on meeting someone you could build a future with.

You will be happy again, but you might consider some counselling to work through all of this x

@BeenThereMyselfthank you so much for replying, means so much. Can I ask how you ended it, mutually agreed or did one force the hand of the other? And also did you have counselling? I’ve never opened up to anyone and find the concept really hard to imagine. I know I need to do something as it’s so all consuming, I can’t sleep, I’m a constant ball of anxiety thinking about him, I’ve turned into someone I don’t recognise where I used to love to be with my friends but now all I want to be with is him, imagining every scenario would be better if he was with me. I need to shake myself out of this, but I can’t.

In the end it just kind of fizzled out, we knew what was happening but neither of us really wanted to address it or say the words and make it final.

It is all consuming, you attach so much hope to this person and walking away feels so hard because nobody has done anything “wrong” if that makes sense

I really feel like the feelings are intensified because it’s the first time you’ve felt happy for a long time, like you’ve been starved and suddenly you have this feast right in front of you. In a lot of ways it distracts you from your “real” life and provides escapism for what is happening at home and what you have to face.

I am genuinely sorry that you’re going through this OP, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through; much harder than the end of my long marriage.

I did have counselling yes, it really helped to have a safe space where I could talk about him and my feelings, and my divorce. It took a lot of time, I don’t think I’ll ever be fully over him, but I’m in a much better place now x

I think your friends advice is sound. You have intense feelings because they’ve been so absent in your marriage. Sort out your divorce and separation and then see where the land lies here. If you aren’t compatible long term take comfort that you will likely meet someone else who is.

This relationship was just filling all your missing emotional needs. Like the above poster says, it just highlights to you that you are capable of loving again. The first relationship post split is always very intense. This is normal.

What you need to do now, is bring your relationship to a proper end. Why are you still living together after 2 years?

I am a little confused - are you saying you both had a conversation and you both agreed there is no future and called it a day? Or are you saying you had a conversation where you discussed the lack of future but both of you want to continue anyway? But in your heart you know the lack of future means it will end at some point.

I agree with posters who say your head is probably spinning as you haven't had attention like this for a long time.

You’re high on endorphins from sex and affectionate attention, and the feeling of being out for a whole night in public with someone who finds you attractive and enjoys your company and sex with you — I’m assuming it’s been a long time since you had that. Your friend has given you good advice. I agree too with a pp who said that this semi-relationship has been fulfilling your needs, but also keeping you in the status quo of being separated by pretending not to be, which is exhausting and depressing. Use this temporary misery as a way of ending the cohabiting and moving ahead into your future. Where there will be more love.

@Slimtoddyhad conversation, but didn’t end finitely, will wait to see next time we see eachother. And agree with you @BeenThereMyselfso hard to end as feelings so strong and no real reason other than age/ability to start family which are obviously massive reasons but not reason as no feelings. Thank you so much for comments, it means so much to have reassurance and you’re right I need to end my marriage properly, we haven’t as have a ‘nice’ life and everyone ‘happy’ and if we were to properly split it would be a massive grenade going off for both extended families and friends who really will be clueless as we hide it well and it’s having the guts to face it and until now I’ve not seen the point and have accepted the no contact and lack of sex but the thought of never having sex again blows my mind and I just can’t live like it anymore. I’ve managed to offload children this weekend so we can talk and hopefully we face up to reality and make a plan to formally split. I’m so scared of fallout and feel constantly sick and anxious of this but equally feel heartbroken and far more sad over end of relationship. Needless to say my nerves are shot and I’m an emotional wreck! Never accessed counselling and no real idea how to go about it. Need to look into this asap. Thanks again everyone, all agreed, need to end both and focus on myself and opening up again….just hope I can feel this way with another, I have once before 20 years ago and it wasn’t my husband and still not fully over that person either if I am honest and reason I ended up with my husband was a rebound from that, so need to work through that too! Always thought I was fairly easy going but now think I’m a crazy emotional wreck with a ton of baggage!!

Following as I feel your pain. I can’t believe it but also feel like these must be panic attacks. Almost exact situation, I wish I had some wisdom.

@Liftmyselfupagainhere if you want to talk it through too. Feels really self indulgent to be having these feelings and risking throwing a grenade on my life, as to all outside sources we are happy, we play it well. DH is a good man and in the most part now we have drawn a line we get on, there’s just zero love and attraction there. I could go on forever and have a ‘happy’ life but I can’t keep living the double life and I know I need more and thinking the only reason to stay together is in case I never meet anyone (which is why I got with him in the first place as he was nice and stuck around and it was easy, just zero passion but thought the rest was more important) but meeting someone who has shaken my whole world, made me realise I need more. My mind just then flips back to are my needs more important than my family and what it’ll do to them. Is sex more important than my family’s well being - god this is so so hard. I decide I’m going to confront him today and say I want to make the separation permanent and public then I flip flop back.

Your poor DH. You've wasted his chance to have a proper loving family/marriage by 'settling' for him, you've been lying to him all this time. That's cruel.

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug what’s cruel is we did it to each other, he feels exactly the same way and suddenly it’s 20 years later and neither one ever had a major reason to leave so stuck it out

Don’t guilt trip her. They were two consenting adults.

Why can’t you give him a future does he want his own baby?

Honestly, I think this sort of connection is so rare that it should be grabbed and relished. Not every love can be for life. Some things are just for a season. Sometimes it’s ok to treat yourself to something that you know is probably bad from you in the long run. As long as you’re honest with each other can’t it be a sort of holiday romance (or a smoking habit, or great cake)?
I think this is a “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” situation.
Might the highs not outweigh the lows?
I think you deserve passion. For however long it lasts.

Sorry - didn’t mean to attach the quote that wasn’t relevant to my point

I agree with sandrenal above, enjoy it while it lasts OP if you can, passion like that is rare.

But that's just not true, if the DH didn't know he was a rebound, was being 'settled for'. You can't consent to be second best if you don't know you are. If he was in full possession of the facts then fair enough but that hasn't been said, consent has to be informed.

Clearly OP you shouldn't stay married but I don't think you necessarily need to give up the new relationship, just because it doesn't have a clear path of progression doesn't mean now isn't ok.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum he will definitely want to settle eventually and have babies, but he’s in his 20s and I know isn’t ready yet and I certainly wouldn’t want to rush to have a baby but I’m in my 40s and can’t imagine I have much time left to have one. So feel that really would be cruel for him to not experience life as a dad.

hope you’re feeling better now?