I'm about to run away (long, sorry)

[JustPassingThruHere]

I'll just be to the point.

I've lost 25kg since Jan this year. It's been hard because I quit drinking, date nights don't exist with DH, family days consist of black coffee and my vlcd pack 1/4 per day. I've done well and was almost done.

Since the beginning of July, I've hit a wall with diet fatigue. I feel very tired, in general, burned out, not motivated at all, alone, isolated, etc.

I wake up at 5 am. Clean the house, cook breakfast, lunch and dinner. Laundry, whatever. I make sure all is great for household to just go to work, be happy. I enjoy doing these things as distraction from hunger and just helping out.

Instead of appreciating what I do, all of their drama gets dumped at my feet including all of their drama with each other and the wider world.

MIL dumps her drama on me, mother does the same.

I smile. I continue on. Sometimes, I self medicate with food. This sabatoges my weight loss goal. But, I have no outlet for stress. I don't watch TV, movies, have family of my own outside of the home or friends. I can't go to the gym due to diet and injury. I never complain.

I do set boundaries. Say I want alone time and please don't bring me drama from within or without for just one night. I say this multiple times a week to no avail.

I self medicated with food again tonight. I already had MIL, DD, my mother and DH dump on me earlier in the day, hence the food problem, and DH knew this.

I planned a hard reset with food so I can address diet fatigue and continue on until the end of the plan and sleep well before an important meeting tomorrow.

Last thing before bed, after I thanked DH for not judging me and my 4 cookies, he threatens to never do something again for DD. Sighs about having to do it. Throws the alarm watch in protest of having to get up early for DD.

My peace is wrecked.

I get tense because if he doesn't do what he said he'd do, DD won't be able to get to work, so I'd have to do it, which he knows.

I threw my Kindle, turned out the light after telling him off after the thanking him earlier! He turns the light back on and tries to talk to me!!! I can't sleep, go downstairs, he follows me!!!

I told him I was going to book somewhere away for me for days and not take the phone. Is that not giving away how stressed out I am along with outright stating it daily?

My coping skill was wasted. I'm now a nervous wreck. Can't sleep.

What can I do to get any peace????? I set boundaries that are ignored. I'm assertive but harassed. I'm so tired of being the good guy I just want to run away.

OP you need a break for some head space, to rebuild your energy levels.
I hope you have a plan in mind but tell your family you are safe (perhaps agree to call in the evening to the person who you trust the most) so they don't stress about you.

@JustPassingThruHere stop getting up at 5am and let then pick up the slack . Less time to be hungry too.
Do any of them pull their weight in the house. ?
You could be cranky as you’re hungry .

I think you should like you need a break ,rest . Take yourself away at the weekend or if through the week works best then do that.
I too would switch off my phone .
Make it a regular occurrence untill they all get the picture and even then why stop .

Thank you. I don't know where to go. I've never gone anywhere on my own before so feel apprehensive but I just don't feel I can do this anymore.

DH cleans when I ask him not to. He says he's helping and I've thanked him but said I want to do things to have something to do. He ignores me and does what he wants to do, anyway. It seems like I can not have anything of my own. Chores or time. I feel so suffocated!

I’ve been you. Eventually I told my family I would leave if they didn’t start helping me out more. I researched cheap rental rooms nearby. Things got better so I didn’t (yet) follow through. Meanwhile, a room in the local travelodge is £40 per night. Just in case…😉

I’d check into a hotel for a week/a few days, how long depends on you really. Tell your husband he can deal with this week (if you really need to leave a list of what to do but I sure wouldn’t). Take your kindle and chill.

It does sound like a break would be good for you.

One thing that stuck out to me as that you say you set boundaries but they are ignored. And I wonder if you really understand what setting a boundary means. It sounds like (and I appreciate you’ve only written a brief summary of how things are) you think it means stating what you want to people and expecting them to comply. But this is not a boundary. A boundary is a line for you to stick to. Boundaries aren’t kept because people don’t test them. They are kept because you refuse to let them be crossed. If you have a boundary of not having people dump on you for the night and you’ve told them this, then when they come to dump on you, tell them to stop. If they don’t, walk away. Go somewhere they can’t go. Even if it means leaving the house, or getting a lock for the bathroom and going in there to play some music and read a book. That is what it means to have boundaries. If you do it consistently then people tend to respect your boundaries because they know better than to waste their time. But if you don’t hold your boundary they will keep trying if they succeed often enough to make it worth it for them. You need to respect yourself and your boundaries enough to insist on them. It’s hard at first. You’re putting them in place to ease the burdens on you and all it does is create something else you have to do. But eventually it becomes second nature and others start to respect Them too so it’s much less work and you have the space you need without having a complete break.

double post

25kg since January? That's a lot of weight fast. I've lost 14 kg over the past year and that's taken effort. I wonder if you're pushing yourself to your limits? As well as others pushing you. I'm not trying to diminish the stresses your family are putting you under, just saying that this might be a factor in how you are feeling. Go away for a bit, if you'd like to, don't worry about being alone, once you're over the initial "I've never done this before" its great. Choose somewhere you want to go to. Find something that is just for you that isn't chores! Swimming? Art appreciation class? Learn a language? Pilates? Carpentry? Anything! I dont know how your mother and MIL reach you, but if its by phone set a special ring tone gor them and dont answer as a way of enforcing your boundaries. And if hubby cleans, great, go to the gym or a run instead. Or read a book (my personal favourite).

Sounds like you need to be heard instead of being ignored. Oh I am in a similar boat all problems get dumped on me too. It really does affect my health and make me feel worthless.

I'm not that outspoken so when I do talk I want to be heard so get extremely frustrated when I'm talked over. Recently started walking out a room if I'm not being listened to.

You definitely need space and time to think. When I get home my wife is there and sometimes I just want some alone time but I never get that, it just feels very suffocating. She even watched me do DIY the other night. I mean come on.

I can say I have felt like running away from problems because sometimes it just feels like more than I can handle.

For me I have two kids a girl 14 and a boy 9 with special needs. Severe Mental Impairment Autism and Fragile X syndrome let's just say I do all the leg work because she won't take the kids out without me. Everything falls on my shoulders.

I really hope you have a good day and please keep going I'll keep my fingers crossed for you

It sounds like you could really do with a break, just to get some head space. But ... this approach you're taking to dieting, is that really safe? Ultra low calorie and being hungry all day sounds utterly miserable, especially as you then have such strong cravings, and you use food as an emotional crutch. I'm a little concerned that you might be straying into disordered eating, and wonder if you need some medical help here. Is your GP supporting you on this weight loss journey?
(Just to add, I do understand the weight struggles and constant food noise, and have lost about a third of my body weight over the last year and a bit. But I could not have done this if I'd been starving hungry the whole time.)

OP that wanting to run away is very familiar to me when the kids were at home. I suspect most of us have felt it. It’s horrible to feel so put upon.

Csn I just pull two things out that worried me for you:

• the extreme dieting. You can’t go to the gym because of the diet? That’s not right. Gently, I think you are heading towards trouble / disordered eating here and that’s a worry

• your DH throwing things and being An aggressive arsehole. This is NOT good.

You sound at the end of your tether and these Two things will not be helping.

Thank you so much for this post.

You're 100% correct. I'm vocal but not consistent with my requests because they make it uncomfortable for me when I 'disappear'.

I will take this advice that I didn't know I needed! Thank you!

@BitOutOfPractice @KentishMama tha js both for taking time to read and respond.

I'm on a total replacement meal plan endorsed by the NHS. Blips off plan are expected due to the stress of the plan, mentally and physically, and there is support for that. You're encouraged to strength train but not do cardio or strenuous exercise. I have 2 weeks left on plan so all OK.

This issue of being taken for granted didn't arise with the diet but I probably have much less tolerance for it. Appreciate that you brought that up. It's not something I had considered.

Thanks for sharing your experience. Sorry you go through similar things. It really starts to take a toll. You're spot on with the feeling of being 'suffocated'.

Strong people are never seen to have vulnerabilities. I'm not sure anyone would even recognise them from me so just keep imagining I'm on top of the game 100% with no bumps in the road.

It's a lot, as you know, since being the strongest means you have nowhere to go when you're down, I guess.

Channel your irritation into effective boundary setting. Clear and consistent. Polite but firm.

Thanks all so much for your thoughts and advice which I really will consider and put into practice.

DH sorted DD out and let me sleep in until 10:30 am but the problem with this is that my meeting is at noon.

No time to get ready and make the appropriate first impression. He didn't mention last night at all. Didn't ask if I still wanted to go or what time I came to bed. Just made me coffee and asked which folder I wanted to take to my meeting.

All very amiable.

So, I pretended to get ready, said I was going to look for a suit jacket before going to the meeting, brought the one I already have, and am now sitting in the Starbucks car park with no intention of going to this meeting st all.

DH would know that if he could read me, or the proverbial room, but here we are.

I'm just going to sip on ice coffee, enjoy the sun and go back in a few hours and casually mention I didn't go to the meeting.

He didn't kiss me goodbye when I pulled off so he knows something is off but probably isn't used to me being like this so at a loss as to how to deal with it.

We'll learn together, I guess! For now, the sun is nice.

You need some hobbies and interests. Why don't you watch movies/shows? There's something for absolutely everyone out there now.

What about another hobby where you meet in a group. Even just walking or hatha yoga? Or making something? Listening to music, learning and instrument? Even just going to the spa for the day.

I hope things improve and you take some time for yourself. And meet some new friends. Well done on your weight loss. X

I can see you are really stressed OP but I don't really understand the whole meeting thing.

DH moaned about helping DD - which stresses you out because you thought you'd have to get up early, and the conversation about it affected your sleep. But he then did do the thing - so you slept- and you had extra time this morning as you didn't have to help DD.
Why does DD need help if she's going to work? Why can't she just go to work?
Why it is his fault that you didn't get up til 10.30?
Why is 1.5 hours not enough to get ready for a meeting and make "the appropriate first impression"?
Why were you expecting a whole recap from DH perhaps he was showing you he's sorry by helping DD and bringing you coffee and showing interest in your morning?
Why - and this is most baffling - why does it punish DH and in some way teach him a lesson, if you miss your meeting? A meeting for which you need to carefully choose your jacket, and are concerned to make a good impression?

Why will it be a sort of massive flex if you go home and say "ha, I didn't even go!"

Massive case of cutting off your nose to spite your face. It feels like you are just on the edge and want people to care for you and recognise your struggle. It's a huge struggle to do all the weight loss. WELL DONE - a real achievement.

But I think it's making you quite black and white in your thinking, you are being strict on yourself on how much exact rest you need, how the chores should be done.

Are you getting enough electrolytes?

Hi thanks for reading and responding.

We agreed to be DD transportation ahead of time. If we can't or choose not to be, DD has to wake up earlier and make alternate arrangements. This is fine when advised, but the plan changed between me and DH, DD wasn't advised and was in bed. I wasn't going to wake DD for an off the record comment and would have just sorted it.

DH doesn't have to wake me up but he turned the alarm off when he woke up and didn't reset it so woke me up himself, instead. That's fine but it was too late for the meeting to account for travel time.

I don't spite DH and don't feel he spites me. We have been married a long time, over 20 years, and are not tit for tat or petty people. No flex or HA! regarding meeting. I just know he doesn't know how to be what I need right now, and I don't know how to communicate it, which is why I'm here asking for advice.

I don't want an argument or anyone to feel bad for what I'm going through, so am using this meeting time to breathe and have the space to realign.

Thanks for the suggestions!

The gym was my passion and hobby which I lost when injured. So, I focused on fat loss until healing, and that became my hobby. Maybe that was a mistake, but only 2 weeks left now and I can resume gym!

That makes sense. I think turning off the alarm and not leaving you enough travel time is rubbish. Does seem like you are a good team with your communication a bit frayed right now.

So you thought he was taking DD and then once you'd settled to sleep he announced he didn't want to? Then you were left unsure who was doing it. Then he didn't wake you up. Sounds like it's on him this time. But you need to say clearly what you need. Agreement before bedtime as to who is doing it. Or get DD to work out who is doing it ahead of time and liaise with each of you!

Thanks all for your help.

I read something on MN the other day where someone said they'd give up helping here because no one ever comes back with an update or conclusion after all the helpful contributions.

So, update: I have had some time to think (FINALLY) and I will go and sit with DH and tell him I'm stressed. Even though I'm not 100% sure why that is, it affected me as it did and we are where we are.

I'll explain to him that I need time alone, so I don't explode on myself or others, and will work hard to ensure that time requests are honoured.

Also, Ill tell him and DD that a thanks from everyone once in awhile wouldn't go amiss.

But, I'll try harder to communicate that BEFORE reacting so strongly.

He might feel bad that he didn't see things before I freaked out but we'll be OK. I'll make him a coffee and pat his fluffy head.

Thanks all for your help xxx

I think when things like this happen, it can be useful to look at it and think how could I do it differently? What struck me was relying on him to set the alarm.. is that because its on his side of the bed...
Can you get your own alarm and set it yourself? I realised that the plugs in our bedroom were all on his side and the shared alarm clock so I also had to say can you set the alarm for xyz.. I hadn't noticed but Once i realised, it was easy to sort out extension lead under the bed etc.

there are probably lots of small things in the house that have just grown up as habits that you could make some small changes bit by bit that make your life easier.. its very satisfying when you identify them. Maybe its things like getting shopping delivered. We had one shop for the month which included all the washing powder, and heavy stuff ... so other shops were quicker and lighter, less work for you.

You've only got two more weeks on this diet and then can resume the gym which you love so that will give you a boost.. I'd book into a travelodge in a nice city... and have two days off. Tell them you will be turning off yoru phone but will text one of them to say you are safe.. and have lie ins, read your kindle etc walks, look at stuff and generally decompress. when you return you will be two days nearer your finishing date.

It will give you time to think of ways how to get them to co-operate more ... they've got used to you doing everything. Bit by bit you could give a particular chore to your DD.. just one to get started and make her responsible. Get her to put a timetable in the kitchen confirming times when she might need a lift for that week. And agree the week with her in advance. Its still light in the mornings so maybe there's one day when you'd like her to make her own way? Or take turns with Dh so you are not doing it every day. Is she saving for driving lessons so she can eventually drive herself?

Over all. you've been through a lot losing so much weight ... now you need to rest and regroup --- and don't ask them. Tell them its happening. Take it one step at a time and bit by bit. Best of luck OP.