Tell me I’m not in the wrong?

[OneCalmReader]

Hi,
I have been so full of anger for 4 days now and I need to vent!
I am newly married, since 20th July this year and my MIL has shown her true ‘monster in law’ colours.
While planning our wedding she was very involved much more than my mother, but my mother was never going to be the involved type when it came to my wedding day and I expected this.
MIL wanted to know all the details and gave her opinions and turning her nose up. I just let her get on with it cause this is the type of person she is and I’m quite laid back and did things my own way anyway. She even wanted to match her dress to my bridesmaids 😳 she tried to make the whole day about her basically, oh and she also invited one of her friends without our permission! Anyway, she gate crashed my two daughters first look with me and there are photos and videos of this. I was upset and just wanted it to be my daughters who came in for the first look, and in she waltzes trying to steal the moment. I just let it go but I decided not to post any videos or photos of this and she got mad! She said she was disappointed that I didn’t share any photos of her coming in with the girls and I explained why in the nicest possible way and even apologised for making her upset but wanted her to understand why I was upset too. It wasn’t good enough she went on to call me a gold digging b**h (my husband is no millionaire that’s for sure) she said I was nothing before I met her son, belittled my mother, and said no wonder I have no friends. She even went as far to say “you’ve never had 2 parents who love you, oh dear your dad didn’t want anything to do with you” which I thought was vile! My father left my mother when she was pregnant and I’ve never known him.
shes trying to play the victim saying I never wanted her in the room when that’s not true at all. She was in the room all morning getting her hair and makeup done which I kindly paid for and I also bought her a gift which I never even did for my own mother. I made her very much welcome throughout the whole journey. I really just didn’t want her, or anyone for that matter, entering the room with my girls at that moment while we filmed a first look. The way she has reacted is insane! I feel like she is just a viscous bully and she has really hurt my feelings, I never want to speak to her again. I could never forgive her for the things she has said to me! Someone please tell me I’m not insane because she’s so manipulative and she’s playing the victim here 100%

You’re not insane.

Your MIL sounds insane!

she sounds bloody vile, I would go NC with her.

How is your new husband standing up for you in all this, because if my DH didn’t read his DM the riot act after speaking to me like that, he’d be moving back in with her!

You are not insane, I’d be NC with a woman who did this. I’m sorry she spoilt your special day, but if your DH doesn’t stand up to her after those vile things she said, then you have bigger problems than your MIL.

she is clearly lacks self awareness.
Congratulations on your big day.

I am intrigued to know how your DH feels about this.

Your MIL is very openly unraveling herself with all her actions, and they say more about who she is, and how she reacts is very juvenile, and only shows immaturity. I am sure others can see this too?

Saying hurtfull things to you has nothing to do with you. What you decide to do with what is said and done by MIL will show who you are as a character. So rather than go blazing angry over her actions, in the process giving her power over you and your emotional well being, try different tactic. I would not discuss this with her, because it will be wasteful, she sounds like someone who will turn everything into a battle of some sort, and make it about her, and then play the victim even if she started the battle.

I appreciate it may be difficult to navigate a relation with someone like MIL, so try and distance yourself if you can.

He is on my side 100% and he isn’t speaking to her. I know that he will in time act like it never happened because this is what they always do after her psychotic episodes. But I absolutely will never speak to her again. I hope I never clap eyes on her again.

Thank you. My DH is on my side but I do worry he will expect me to forgive and forget after a while. I will not let this go though. I have blocked her from communicating with me in every way and as hard as it is I’m not going to argue back with her. I did try to stand up for myself but she is so self absorbed it’s pointless.
I’ve actually just looked up “narcissistic mother in law” and I was completely gobsmacked to read the most accurate description of her and hopefully I can learn how to deal with her behaviours.

You need to make it clear to him what your expectations are, and draw your line in the sand. You also need to say that if he crosses that line, you will divorce him.

Read 'toxic in-laws,' you have one.

Wtf did I just read. What has your husband said about all this?!?!

How awful, she sounds psychotic

Firstly congratulations on being wed to your husband.

That's shocking. My MIL is all about herself especially when there are cameras around she wants to look like she's mother of the year when she knows eyes are on her but behind closed doors she a two faced B, always interfering wheres she's not wanted.

What your MIL did is unacceptable. I can totally understand where your coming from. You know if you haven't got an invite then don't come.

For me I have her every Christmas at my place, my wife won't let her spend Xmas alone even though that is what she deserves. My wife doesn't have a good relationship with her mum because she always put herself first and her relationships with her boyfriends first. She dragged her up to Manchester from London when she was 14 and then the relationship failed and they were stuck up there for a while in a really bad area.

Back to your point, So I could be wrong but it feels like you can't do anything right to your MIL. It's crazy that your doing things to please her. Believe me doing that only leads to unhappiness and it still creates rifts between me and my wife because she takes her mum's side saying it will give her an easy life. I wanted to shut the door on her ages ago, been married 6 years together for 15.

Definitely not a good start to your new life but might be only a he beginning of your MIL behaviour is allowed to continue, please be you because you are enough and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. She said some hurtful things which aren't true plus she can't even reason with you. Your not crazy.

I wish you well and every happiness in your life

He says she’s always been like this and he, his dad and his brother always just let it slide when she goes off like this with them. We haven’t discussed it again since Sunday and it’s just eating away at me. She’s a nasty woman and thinks she’s better than everyone else and tries to belittle people, obviously to make herself feel good. It’s really really bothering me that she’s saying I’m nasty and no wonder I have no friends and no dad, when I’m struggling to see what I’ve said or done wrong. She was offended I called her a psycho, but what does someone who behaves like that expect? It’s nothing compared to the things she called and said to me. She says I’m a nasty b**h and acting like she’s the victim now.

Are you and dh planning dc together? If not no need you ever have to set eyes on her again. Could be more tricky if you have dc and dh backs down...

We already have two children together. She has told us she won’t be looking after them again while we work etc. which is fine by me I certainly don’t need her and would rather my DC were kept away from her toxicity

He says she’s always been like this and he, his dad and his brother always just let it slide when she goes off like this with them. We haven’t discussed it again since Sunday and it’s just eating away at me. She’s a nasty woman and thinks she’s better than everyone else and tries to belittle people, obviously to make herself feel good. It’s really really bothering me that she’s saying I’m nasty and no wonder I have no friends and no dad, when I’m struggling to see what I’ve said or done wrong. She was offended I called her a psycho, but what does someone who behaves like that expect? It’s nothing compared to the things she called and said to me. She says I’m a nasty b**h and acting like she’s the victim now.

Sounds like my narc mother. They spit out the dummy and then just expect everyone to gloss over it, never accountability and also vile and viscious. Sorry you are dealing with her. I am no contact with my mother at all due to her toxicity.

The things she said to your are almost unbelievably bad. Write them down in detail (I'd laminate them frankly) and each time your DH suggests letting her see your kids calmly ask him to re-read it and think carefully about if he would be comfortable with anyone saying those things in front of them, never mind their "grandmother". He is welcome to talk to her in the future, but you and your children never see her again.