My Mum, just can't cope with her comments anymore but want to get things back to "normal" again

[peacelily]

To avoid being long I love my Mum she's v caring and has lots of other good qualities but she can be very manipulative and selfish at times and extremely controlling.

All of this has got worse since she retired, and she's a proper snob but I try to have a sense of humour about that.

She likes to know all my business and I've often confided in her however i now think it's just so she can laud stuff over me/use info against me.

To cut a long story short me and dh have had probs recently but we still love each other and want to sort them out. the other day on the phone she said "well darling your father and I always thought from the moment you said you wanted to marry .... it probably wouldn't last" in her goddamn stuck up condescending voice.

I can't speak to her now or even think of her, I just get this horrible anxious feeling. Yet I want to see my Dad and I want dd to see both Grandparents. She keeps sending me nosey text asking if things are ok (yes yes it could be out of concern but I don't trust her) but I've closed down to her.

Why has this comment affected me so much? Why do I feel so anxious? Keep getting panicky but want things to be right for the sake of dd

Comments and reflections please!

Sorry- could it be that mum has touched a nerve? Did you ever think you and your DH wouldn't last? or does it go back to your childhood when she always had to be "right" so her behaviour makes you feel like a little girl and not a grown up woman?

I always think the best approach is to be honest and frank- tell her that her comments make you feel crap and tell her that you don't want to hear things like that.

You are lucky in some ways that you COULD open up to her- I never have with mine, even though I love her dearly- cos when i was a teenager she wanted to know too much and was over-protective- my reaction was to shut her out, so I wouldn't have to cope with her disapproval - and that's how it's been for 30 years or more. We talk a lot, but never about relationships at all.

I think you should talk to her.

I've tried to address the controlling issue which does result in me feeling like a teenager when she's like this.

If I've ever tried to discuss why she's upset me or how she communicates upsets me she either slams the phone down or walks out. She CANNOT hear anything bad about herself she thinks I'm being abusive and completely in the wrong.

My God how much have I disappionted her, especially with choice of partner, they excitement on her face if I ever mentioned I'd been out with medical students when I was doing my nurse training was classic. "oh wonderful she's married a consultant you know" etc. etc. Except i didn't. I married and engineer from who's had a shitty upbringing from a working class background . How dare I.

Is it possible that you can feel less anger and more pity towards her, as she obviously has issues?

We all grow up expecting and hoping our parents to be strong and perfect- and when they behave irrationally we feel disappointed and even cheated, in a way.

Maybe you will just have to accept her as a fallible human being, and accept that you can't have the kind of ideal relationship with her you'd like- and once you accept her faults, you might find it easier to deal with her.

You'll never change her- but you might be able to change how you react to her, so that you feel calm and in control.

Alternatively, treat her like a bolshie teenager and say you WILL talk to her- when she calmed down- and don't give up just because she throws a wobbly.

You have my sympathies; one or both parents who are controlling is/are a real nightmare to deal with.

Not really surprised unfortunately to see that your Mother did not listen; such people are actually emotionally incapable of hearing the other person's side. That is not your fault though and as another poster rightly pointed out she does have her own issues. These are not for you as her daughter to try and fix though. You can change how you react to her but you cannot change her.

Would suggest you look at this website
www.controllingparents.com and also visit the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these relationship pages. Some of the ladies on there have their own experiences of controlling parents and that may help you too. Counselling could also help you.

peacelily you have my sympathies, my mother has never forgiven me for not marrying the med student who turned into a surgeon instead of my beloved dh

am past it, I tried for years, we love 100 miles away, she has very little to do with our dcs - only when it suits her but is now very ill so its no longer worth being upset/trying to 'fix' it all

we have a relationship so to speak but it takes me rising above a whole lot the commments for it to be civil

I personally think, with mine, its just a case of she doesn't think.

because you are her daughter it gives her the right to say what she thinks without question or taking the time to think what she says BEFORE she says it

agree with hls she's gone this far without stopping so maybe its time to address it from your side and start with a coping mechanism to help you understand that it is a problem with HER and not you

am sorry to hear you and your dh are having problems but please do not let your mother stir the pot or add to it - you obviously married him for a reason and now is NOT the time for her to finally speak up with her concerns that should have been addressed years ago if at all