Ageing mother and family dynamics

[TheErrantDaughter]

Here’s my situation.

I’m 50-something. My mother is 80 and ageing. Increasing loss of balance, back pain after being an incredibly optimistic and young older person. Ageing, I think, is affecting her mental health a bit.

She lives in the sticks - thankfully, she has a car and is a great driver - in a big house with a big garden. She’s recently got a cleaner and a gardener. I live in a city about an hour away, I don’t drive, but public transport takes me to her nearest town which has uber.

I had a fractured relationship with her as she was violent, critical, and controlling when I was a child / teenager. I was the rebel and i went pretty low contact for years, but as I’ve aged, accompanied by a load of therapy, I’ve found strategies to deal with her and, to be fair, she’s met me in the middle and admitted to most of her awful mothering (apart from the violence, but I’ve let that slide) and, for the most part, reigns in the criticism. When she does criticise, I now assertively push back.

I have an amazing partner of 20 years who backs me up and sees the dynamics very clearly.

So, I’m taking on more of the practicalities around health, socialising with her and going over for weekends .

One brother (my late father’s favourite, Golden Boy One, GB1) sorts out her financial affairs as she’s blown her annuity and the house is expensive to run. He lives abroad.

My other brother (my mother’s favourite, GB2) is a functioning alcoholic and lives 100 miles away. He does what my other brother says. None of my brothers had the parenting I had. I’m resentful of that.

So, right now my mum is increasingly mentioning sheltered accommodation in a flat and then she changes her mind when Overseas Brother gets involved. There’s enough equity in the house to make a flat a reality. Younger Brother sits on the fence.

What the two of them refuse to realise is that because I’m nearer, freelance, and I’m a woman is that I will take on more of the care. On Friday, I took her to a hospital appointment which was all day. I spent the weekend there sourcing and buying nightlights and other minor adjustments to keep her safer.

I took her to choose a recline / lift chair which she bought and GB1 nearly blew a gasket as he thought I should go to his MILs to research her chair. I told him to sort out the arrangements to do that. As he didn’t, I simply looked at Which with my mum to pick a good one within her budget, and she ordered a chair. Well done, Errant Daughter for your foresight.

In two weeks time I’m going to stay there for a week as she’s having an operation with two weeks recovery time. I can work from there. I’ve asked my younger brother if he can come up for part of the second week of her recovery as I’m seeing an overseas friend in London, and he ‘Will check his schedule and it will probably be ok to do this’

I’m increasingly having to cancel social events related to my work. These events are intrinsic to networking.

Neither of them will sit down and have an adult conversation about any of this. We had one in the spring where GB1 was so unbelievably patronising to me and overruled any of my ideas that I contemplated telling him to fuck off. GB2 hardly said anything.

I know the two of them are having conversations behind my back as I’ve picked up on comments. The last thing I want is estrangement. DP has offered to talk to them, but I think that’s not the right thing to do.

I’ve got some counselling booked in to help me navigate this.

It is driving me mental.

My advice is to just drop the rope, When your DBs need you to do something for your DM simply say, 'I'm not available at that point,' or 'I'm working,' or 'Someone else will have to'. Try to keep the tone neutral.

To be honest you owe her nothing by the sound of it, and I don't see why you should or would martyr yourself on the bonfire of dutiful daughter simply because it makes life easier for the menfolk.

I'd keep making it clear to GB1 that 'you'll need to sort out and pay for someone to do that. I'm not available'.

At the moment you are the free skivvy sorting everything. Just stop. None of them will ever be grateful or thank you for it.

I’m such a people pleaser in many ways. You’re right.

I do like my mother tons more and that bit of the equation now works OK. She’s fun to be around.

GB2 is going to have to take up some of the slack. The plan during the early summer that GB2 was going to arrange times when he and his DP could book time off together and do stuff for my mum. That is yet to materialise…

DM is seeing them down where they live in a couple of weeks, but they’re not coming up here.

GB2 can have the conversation about GB1 about GB1 doing more, too. I’m sick of doing WhatsApp messages to them both with ‘updates’.

I hate the conversations the two fuckers are having behind my back. Possibly related to GB1 owning the house GB2 lives in and GB1 being wealthy…

Wouldn’t mind as much if they were respectful of me.

Just do the 'fun' bits. Spend as much time as you like with your mother WHEN it is convenient to you. Don't cancel social networking events, or things you want or need to do for work. Don't let duty impinge on your own life.

If you genuinely enjoy spending some time with her then certainly do so - and it gives you the ability to make it clear to GB1 and 2 that 'I spend a lot of time with Mum - but I DO have a life and career of my own. How much time do you spend with her??'

For the eldest one I'd adopt the line of 'If you are going to be rude and patronising there is no point continuing the conversation. I'll let you take over entirely with Mum as you know best'.

Just keep reminding yourself your mother has chosen all of this. It's her choice to live in an unsuitable house in an unsuitable location and to rely on a son who lives abroad rather than you to sort her finances. So be it. If he's sorting the finances then leave absolutely everything financial up to him. As someone else has already said: just do the fun bits.

Edit to add: What you do is entirely up to you and what your siblings do is entirely up to them. Don't fall into the trap of thinking " they should do more". Just do what you want and no more.

@AudiobookListener is absolutely right. Why are you doing all this? Your brothers will not change. You also seem to be somewhat in denial about her driving and where she lives, those things need to be sorted out quite urgently. You need to have a less gentle conversation about that with her

I would be exiting stage left from your mother as she’s never apologised (so has also not accepted any responsibility) for her actions pertaining to she being violent. You owe her nothing anyway let alone a relationship here.

Your brothers between them are pretty much useless as well. Do not set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

I do not think you’re an errant daughter either, more like the scapegoated one in this family. And you remain this too.

Why are you martyring yourself in this situation? Letting all of them take advantage of you.

Pull back. Say no. This is not your mess to solve.

If you keep on going the way you are, your brothers will happily let you do all the work, tank your career and step in to take the inheritance.

If you don't want that to happen, you're going to have to get harder. You can value the time you spend with your mum without being their skivvy, and you can quite reasonably put limits in place.

Out of interest, how much would they do for you or help you out?

It would have been absolutely fine to tell your brother to fuck off in these circumstances.

In terms of bits for the house- this is what Amazon is for. GB1 could even do the orders from abroad.

@AudiobookListener & @Davros she’s the one increasingly talking about somewhere smaller and in nearby a village. GB1 has in his head that we’re thinking care home, which we’re not. She’s a very fit 80 year old.

We were a farming family, we got rid of the land in the 80s because my dad (only child) wanted to concentrate on his legal career and…well…farming is…er…difficult, so we don’t now have tenants who would have been able to help, hence the big house in the middle of the countryside. I don’t think my mum is that attached to it as it’s my late father’s family home. Selling the land wasn’t an emotional moment for any of us. I miss the orchards and the cider! It’s my brothers, rather than my mother, who’s in denial about downsizing. We could rent the house out very easily to give my mum income as we’re in the desirable part of the county. Or we sell. None of us want to take a house of that size on. There’s a trust attached to it which works for us all.

@AttilaTheMeerkat despite it not seeming so, mum and I do have a positive relationship. Years of counselling. Although she can’t express it - it’s more ‘can’t’ than ‘won’t’ (upper middle class stiff upper lip) - I know she’s sorry and regretful. But I do need some tough conversations with my brothers. Had to Google scapegoat, but yes, that’s my role.

GB1 is good with money and completely above board with it as we’ve all seen the paperwork. It was sorted by the family solicitor. My father had a very serious illness before he died and my parents put power of attorney, working with the family solicitor, for us because of this and the trust. We were all involved in putting that together, and it worked well in terms of my father’s health needs, which were pretty grim TBH.

@SapphOhNo I don’t think I’m martyring myself, that’s not my personality type, I’m just extremely fucked off with the pair of them treating me like a dick. I need to toughen up.

i genuinely don’t think any of this is about the inheritance, I think it’s about my brothers thinking I don’t have responsibilities, my job isn’t real (I’m a casting agent for film) and I’m nearer, although I travel a lot.

@AnnaMagnani yep, GB2 is more than capable, he can do more of the ordering and installing. He did some of this in the summer, so he can do more.

Thanks very much for the support. Time to toughen up.

i really appreciate the ears!

@TheErrantDaughter sorry to misunderstand the situation with the house but I do think a move would be in everyone’s interests and not to leave it too late. You’re obviously a good person and a kind daughter, it seems to be your brothers who are in denial. Good luck

Op has brother got (POA) if so he should have the same for health, if he has mum has agreed to this on paper, that's great op as he takes full responsibility and you can just be daughter who spends nice quality time with mum ,

@Davros thank you so much. That’s so kind, I’m glad she’s not attached to the bloody house and has a sensible view on it. My paternal granny was a nightmare over the house and refused to move to a smaller - and more suitable - place. Across the farm yard. Much nicer than the freezing monster of a house as it was then.

i think you are absolutely right. The pair of them - but not my mother - are in denial about her ageing.

GB1 had the audacity to say after Xmas when she fell. “Oh she didn’t do that when she was here.”

No, dickhead, you have a modern, all on one level home and you, my SIL and nieces were there to help her. Your home is not an 18th century farmhouse with tons of stairs, awkward corners, uneven floors and my dad’s collection of fucking Persian rugs on every floor. These are now all taped down, BTW.

Maybe, GB1 is pissed off with me because I’m doing the fun stuff and his nose is out of joint as he’s always been a favourite. Not in a million years will I become the favourite, but my mum repeatedly and honestly (she’s not dragging me in by manipulation) says how truly appreciative she is for how I’m helping. She doesn’t bombard me with calls and demands. She’s very independent. And she likes riding shotgun when I go to the theatre to check out the cast.

@Omgblueskys my parents were great on this, so we all have POA over £ and health. GB1 and GB2 need to step up to the plate.

It’s noticeable that my mum did mutter something about GB1 and his family spending more time when they were over in June about spending more time with his MIL, who’s lovely and who my mum adores.

Sadly, for my mum her stiff upper lip means she isn’t as chilled as SIL’s mum and years of her parents, a nanny, boarding school, my father’s (awful) family isn’t going to change that, but she does adore my nieces. Other granny is very relaxed. I think my mother felt ignored, but GB1 wouldn’t think that through or think about her feelings.

No one in my family speaks truthfully about how they feel. I think I’m closest to honesty through all those years of counselling!

The problem with all the ‘GB1 should do this’ and ‘GB2 will have to do that’ is that you don’t get to set anyone’s boundaries other than your own. You are handing all your power over to other people, and expecting them to be as reasonable/ helpful / sensible / fair / nice as you are. Why should they? When you are already doing it all?

What the two of them refuse to realise is that because I’m nearer, freelance, and I’m a woman is that I will take on more of the care. Umm… I think they do realise it perfectly well, and it suits them just fine. It’s not that they don’t realise, it’s that they don’t care.

I will take on more of the care. will you? Why exactly?

decide what you are willing to do, and do that: no more. It might be more than them, it might be less: you all get to choose.

I agree with the previous poster - when you say you are having to cancel work stuff - you aren't you are choosing to. Are you looking for her approval?

I think you are trauma bonded to her, liking being around someone who has been violent to you. If that was your female friend talking about a bloke what would you say. You are too invested in what she wants , what your brothers want, who is saying what, having to message - walk away from it.

Not saying doing that is easy but the narrative you are spinning that it's working ok, I'm really not buying it!

I was in ur position last year.
Nearly simular story.
Becoz I was the closest in distance 2 her I done most of the caring.
But you need to try not let the past dictate the future as it will get to a stage where she will need full time care.
Sometimes family talk great plans but it was me who done the hard work.
Would I do it again if she was alive definitely.
Don't let the morals of others decide how you go forward with it.
Wish you all the best

If your Mum has started falling, moving to a less isolated and awkward home now, before she becomes frail, is a good idea. My Dad (87) is far more wobbly now than he was seven years ago, it can happen so quickly in the 80’s.

As you say, she doesn’t need to be in a home, just somewhere on one level perhaps with amenities closer by. She wants to move so advocate for her, your brothers aren’t being realistic.**

@TorroFerney

Trust me, I’m not trauma bonded. I’ve been trauma bonded. I had to come home to the UK from LA in a matter of weeks after living there for five years after my then partner tried to kill me which was the culmination of several years of hard core abuse. It fucked my then successful US career. That WAS trauma bonding in a big way as I stayed with my abuser. Years of counselling has helped me immeasurably and taught me the difference between the two situations. Trust me I really do know the difference (sadly)

I’m not looking for her approval. These days I have unconditional approval from her - as I should - and I got a hell of a lot of support when she came stateside immediately to help pack me up, help deal with the police and the ensuing court case. It actually fixed our relationship in many ways as I saw her as a compassionate person who had been trapped by her own (terrible) upbringing. It doesn’t excuse her behaviour when I was a child, but we understand each other much more and have mutual compassion.

i think I might be trying to be too much of the big sister and disproving my brothers’ view of me, which is seeking their approval. Not my mother’s.

God knows. Therapy after the weekend.

@rickyrickygrimes thank you.

Undoubtedly, I do need to apply boundaries to my family situation much more. something I’m going to work on.

@Kimbo180 & @BruFord thank you. You get it. I really appreciate those words of wisdom borne from experience. It’s the speed of the decline that’s been hard. I’m a much more observant person - my job! - and I see things that my brothers don’t. But it’s their responsibility to see it.

If your Mother is happy to move to sheltered accommodation I'd do it sooner rather than later.
MIL did this at age 88 and likes where she moved to. She is 93 now and mostly can see to herself. Some of them are 2 beds as well, handy for when you visit !

i feel for you OP. You are suffering from FOG:

Fear
Obligation
Guilt

My dad was a loving but ultimately selfish man. He told me that children owe their parents nothing. You can walk away and leave the GBs to it any time you want. At this time in your life, your mental health wellbeing is the more important than the woman who wasn’t the mother you deserved

Don’t feel

• fearful
• obligated; or
• guilty

Best of luck 💐