Would you stay?

[pheebs93]

Me & my husband have been married nearly two years, together ten. We rarely have any issues except he does struggle with stress/anger which has gotten worse this past year. He'll shout at strangers if they bump into him sometimes, and get annoyed in bars if people cut the que etc. He once swore loudly at a lady on a train who squeezed past him when he was putting lugggage away. In the car if someone pulls out on him & they're in the wrong sometimes he'll dangerously chase them in his car, pulling up to their window & swearing. It makes me very uncomfortable & has got to the stage i get worried about going out.

He does suffer with mental health , possibly ADHD the last time he spoke to someone but he's dropped off taking it any further. When he gets in one of those 'moods' he'll be funny with me & give me the silent treatment until he comes out of it, it once got as bad as he walked out on me in a bar on holiday as he felt 'stressed' in the environment, got annoyed with me when i brought up his obvious mood & stormed out.

He also makes no effort to go out with me, any date nights we have are me & if i didn't suggest stuff we would literally not leave the house together. I know he cares about me but he doesn't seem to care about doing things with me.

Everything else though is fine, i guess my question is would you leave with those red flags or would you put them aside? I guess everyone has flaws so i don't know if i'm overreacting to his.

So you’ve married a horrible nasty bully with anger issues. Is that how you want the rest of your life to look? Having to worry about going out in case he kicks off with a stranger?

He sounds vile and I would not share my life with a man like that.

How often do you get the silent treatment and how long does it last for? Are we talking a couple of hours until he cools down or days as punishment? Are there children in the picture?

He’s abusive.

I have CPTSD myself but I’ve managed to never treat people poorly because of it. Funny how it’s always men we make that excuse for. It’s not good enough.

What help is he getting for his mental health and anger issues?

If the answer is ‘none’ then yes definitely leave. Though tbh yes i’d be tempted to leave anyway based on his behaviour.

Do you really want to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life, worrying what will trigger his next outburst? Not wanting to go out in case he attacks a stranger, not wanting to complain or say anything because he’ll give you the silent treatment? That’s no way to live.

Everything else is fine?

What else is there?

You're worried to go out with him, he gives you the silent treatment and doesn't have any interest in arranging couple time.

Seriously @pheebs93 raise your bar.

No. Do not stay

Don’t have kids that tie you to this man. Get out and start afresh.

I wouldn't want to be with a man who can't control his temper. You shouldn't feel like you're walking on eggshells around him. It doesn't sound like he wants to get help or make any effort in his relationship with you.

What keeps you with this man?. Stop with all the excuses pertaining to his MH or ADHD etc. He has not taken that further because ADHD is not the issue .

He is abusive end of.
Abuse is not a Mh or relationship problem either. Look at his parents op, chances are one of them behaves similarly

Everything else is fine? You’re in denial here and that is a powerful force. Raise your bar from the subterranean level it is at and think carefully about your future within this relationship because there is really none.

Nope I would not stay. He sounds mean and his overreactions are scary.

My DH is just like this and it is making me so miserable.
Do you have children?

Please don't tell us you have kids with this man.

He's a nasty spiteful bully. Get rid.

We don't have kids. This isn't 100% of the time its only now & then, so i don't know if i'm just being dramatic 😩

That's the way abuse works. They give you the 'good' times, ie lack of abuse, which you mistake for love. That's what keeps you there during the bad times (which WILL get worse), you're hanging on to the hope that the 'good' times gives you.

You're not the one being dramatic @pheebs93 . I would recommend Women's Aid or a similar DA organisation who can give you RL support in getting away from him as safely as you can. Men like him don't like losing their control so you need to be very careful in how you deal with him

I couldn't live like that. Its a type of control on his part. You must wonder when the next blow up will be.
Also, driving angry is extremely dangerous.
And he makes you party to that. He could kill you both.

OP You are not being dramatic. He has anger issues and his behaviour is abusive and unacceptable. Can you imagine how awful it would be if you had children and they had to witness these outbursts?
His behaviour with other drivers is dangerous too, l'd leave him for that alone! Cut your losses and walk away now, or at the very least look into separating with a view to leaving. This kind of behaviour will almost certainly only get worse.

I believe a lot of this behavior is linked to ADHD or PTSD (or both) it’s whether you want to stick around to help him through it. I appreciate your sympathy is probably wearing thin now.

You are living with an angry man. One who will chase down people just to shout and possibly threaten them 😱 Get out before it escalates, because it will.

Basic life lesson - never live with angry people.

She can be sympathetic to his problems, but that does NOT mean she should tolerate his awful behaviour. Not just awful eiher, dangerous. Imagine him feeling he'd been 'barged into' by his own tiny toddler!!!

OP you need to get away from this awful man. If he really cared about you he would have sought help for his awful behaviour. As it is he feels completely entitled to take out the slightest feeling of irritation on anyone and everyone. Entirely unable to manage his own emotions. He's basically a toddler in a man's body which is a very dangerous combination.

You're lucky that you have no children with him and that it will be much easier to walk away and not be tied to him. You should walk away, it's no way to live.

He is nice enough just long enough to keep you around hoping for change from him that will never happen. What he is showing you is the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

“Only now and then” is what makes this type of abuse so very damaging to you. You start trying to work out what triggers him, what did you do wrong, how can you change so that he doesn’t get angry. The good parts keep you hanging on, and meanwhile the bad parts will get worse and more frequent. Please get out while you can and before he destroys your self esteem and your independence.

I don’t think I could be with someone like this. I don’t respect people who can’t keep a handle on their emotions. My sibling was, and is, like this and it’s a level of stress I wouldn’t accept in my home as an adult.

He gets road rage and chases people with his car. That's extremely dangerous. And on top of his other stuff.

He is a danger and a menace to others with his rage issues and using a car as a weapon. Nope, I would have left after his first rage.