How to stop liking a man who is wrong for me

[Blueyisnotreal]

For background, all my life have felt I’ve never fitted in, people pleasing tendencies, thinking everyone hates me, unable to keep friends etc etc. I’m in my 40s.

For 10 years I worked with a man, in different depts but we worked closely together. We never really looked at each other in that way until the last year or so, but have always been friendly. He helped me through a difficult time when I went out with someone he knew and it ended very badly (police got involved etc) and it made me see him in a different way. I left my job and started another, yet we kept in touch. We ended up sharing a moment and kissed on my last day at our shared work. That was over a year ago and I haven’t seen him since. But the feelings I’ve had have intensified but I know he’s wrong for me.

He’s 10 years older than me, and throughout the 10 years I’ve known him hasn’t had a relationship. He has 3 children with his ex-partner who he shares custody with and the arrangement is very amicable (lives close to her, she has a partner but he looks after her house whilst she’s on holiday etc)

He rents, doesnt drive, has admitted to taking drugs in the past as well as had several one night stands. He was always talking about not being able to afford things, driving lessons, etc. He’s told me he has a tendency to run from anything good and has some self esteem issues which has prevented him from getting involved with anyone again. He’s had a lot of tragedy in his life (not his fault) so is a tortured and lonely soul. However he’s always been respectful and there for me, was always going above and beyond for me at work as well as talks outside of work. He’s never pressured me or pushed me for anything else, isn’t suggestive or sleazy in the slightest. Whenever I’ve had an issue he drops whatever he’s doing to try and help.

I just can’t seem to get him out of my head, yet I know he’s so wrong for me. I wonder if I have a tendency to pick people I can try and “fix” which is why I’m so drawn to him. Or maybe I like him because he’s given me so much attention. I think of him every day, I’ve tried not to but I can’t seem to stop.

I have had a few serious relationships but none of them have gone anywhere as I didn’t feel that spark / connection. I have 2 teenage children, one of them has ADHD and life is sometimes challenging bringing them up.

I would appreciate some outside opinions as I don’t feel I can talk to anyone about it without being judged.

I would encourage you seek some therapy to talk through some possible self esteem issues here. This is something I would be more inclined to feel like at 20, not 40. You need to understand that you deserve better and that things not working out with someone not good for you is not a big deal for you.

Thank you. I have tried therapy, I did one session which was helpful but I can’t afford any more. I do feel like this is a younger problem, which makes me feel worse.

You can’t stop yourself liking someone, but you can make choices to starve yourself of the source of the feelings.

Are you looking at his social media frequently? Re-reading your text messages? Looking at photos?

You say your previous relationship ended badly with the police involved, I wonder whether then this man you are craving is someone that you feel safe with for the moment but you know is not a long term option? I did this when I came out of a long term and difficult situation, I went for men that were unattainable for various reasons. I now know that I found it difficult to just be on my own, so even if I was dating the wrong man it was better than no man.

He has a social media account but doesn’t use it much. We don’t have photos and I force myself not to read the text messages. i just can’t seem to stop thinking about him.

Start by showing up for yourself rather than abandon your needs and true wants.

He is not someone you should be mingling with unless you are asking for lots and lots of emotional self abandonment by attaching yourself to him.

He is not going to fix you.

Self care here and lots of it, and no that does not mean face masks and bubble bath, it means going over what works for you, and what does not. Feel free in saying no thanks without explaining it. Show up for you.

Thank you, this makes sense. He did make me feel safe, he also knew this person and thought he was an idiot but didn’t want to get involved at the time, but was supportive when it all went wrong.

The logical part of my brain is telling me to run, but the chemistry is really hard to ignore. I’ve never been kissed like that or spoken to like that, and I’m worried I won’t get that experience again.

Use ChatGPT for therapy if you can’t afford the real thing.

This is such great advice, thank you for this. My best friend says similar things in that u need to start showing up for myself and I can’t seem to settle without a man liking me. It’s pathetic I know.

*I need oops

You need therapy. Dont touch that one with a barge pole.

Thank you, but what happens when I can’t afford therapy? The rising costs of everything means I can’t even afford to go on holiday or do anything nice for myself, if I could afford it, I would.

BACP I think do a scale of fees and you ideally need to find a BACP registered therapist in your area. This all likely started in childhood.

I’ve never been kissed like that or spoken to like that, and I’m worried I won’t get that experience again.

Maybe you will; maybe you won’t - but you definitely won’t get it again with him. It’s been over a year since you had any contact. I’m sorry to be blunt but he’s not sitting around obsessing about you and poring over text messages. Your friendship / connection was situational while you worked together and while he supported you post-breakup.

That doesn’t mean it wasn’t intense (for you at least). But look, it hasn’t sustained outside of that period. You’re pining for something that doesn’t exist.

Appreciate it for what it was, smile at the memory, but move on. You’re never going to find it again while you hold this on some impossible pedestal.

Thank you, apologies if this wasn’t clear before but we have had contact since we last met, mainly through text messages. We reminisce about that evening and wish things could have been different, he hopes I’m happy and is up for meeting casually but I don’t think it’s a good idea, hence why I’m posting on here. I think he’s up for sex (and so am I) but I just don’t want to get hurt,
more so than I already am. I’ve already said to him that I don’t do one night stands and I have feelings for him. He says he has feelings too but won’t pressure me.

@Blueyisnotreal ah ok, I misunderstood when you said ‘That was over a year ago and I haven’t seen him since.’

I think I’m still saying the same, though. You’re not ‘in real touch’ if you’ve not seen each other. It’s easy for someone to text you but why is there no effort to meet up, to go on dates?

It’s a red flag to me that you now say he’d be up for sex. Just meeting casually, potentially for sex?

Yeah, stay well away.

All your descriptions about him being a tortured soul - I know exactly the sort of man he is, because I fell for enough of them when I was in my teens and 20s. I get the appeal! But he’s a drifter. Don’t tie yourself to a drifter, emotionally or god forbid practically!

Thank you for this. He is very much a drifter and has said many times he has always screwed up relationships in the past so now doesn’t bother. I don’t know why I’m so attracted to him !