AITA - My partner has been flirting with other women

[DenimPombear92]

While out for drinks my partner held another women we know by her shoulders and spoke closely into her ear he then moved his hands to her hips and slightly moved her and then stroked her sides as he let go. They have also been having lots of private conversations which he says are harmless but they disappeared and arrived back at the same time He has said he didn't but I saw it with my own eyes! He has said he's sorry if he did but he had a few ciders and he doesn't tend to remember much when he's had a drink. This has now made me think of all the other times he has been out without me and had a drink..... I just cant get this out of my head AITA for being upset about this? Or am I thinking too much into it ?

Hi lovie
I'm sorry. This sucks. Don't let him gaslight you - you saw what you saw.... I had a similar situation recently with my ex, but with an unknown women at a bar... its disrespectful and he shouldn't be acting that way with any women nevermind if he knows her or not!

Thank you for your message. It's a awful feeling how did you deal with it when it happened to you?

Honestly, I wrote down everything I know to be true - I wrote down what I saw with my own 2 eyes so that i can't be gaslighted into thinking something different and I've read it daily, I'm sat in my emotions and it hurts, but ultimately it's not ok - and I could have turned a blind eye but what does that lead too? More hurt and more emotions to sit in... his actions are not ok and if he can't handle his cider then he shouldn't be sodding drinking it.

I can't handle booze, I know I can't and I know when I need to stop drinking because I become wild or emotional...its literally the same.

Write down how it makes you feel, write down everything you need to know about this situation and over the coming days figure out what you NEED or WANT to do about it.....its horrible and it hurts... but your not alone x

Side note - my ex actually left me when I highlighted his behaviours and he turned it onto me, he claims I'm selfish and narrow minded, obviously claimed it was innocent and "that didn't happen like that" but I know what I saw and I'm not selfish nor am I narrow minded however he did blindside me with that to shift focus onto me and not him....

@DenimPombear92, flirting with others is unacceptable in my marriage, and your P went way beyond that. He publicly humiliated you via his dog-in-heat antics with this OW.

Nothing about this is ‘harmless’. They looked like a couple. He touched her intimately and left with her, and lied and gaslit you afterward. Of course he conveniently blamed alcohol, but I don’t believe for a second that he doesn’t remember his illicit behavior. You say they’ve been having a lot of private conversations, so have clearly built a close, inappropriate connection, which you (and others) witnessed.

You shouldn’t tolerate his blatant disloyalty and faithless behavior, @DenimPombear92. In your shoes I’d be setting a sharp consequence — sending him away while you consider your options.

I’m sorry op but I did chuckle when I read he doesn’t remember much when he’s had a few drinks. How very convenient.

If it looks like a duck…..

Forgot to mention that in the 3HOUR car ride home no one said a word and it was silent. The only people in the car were myself, Partner and the girl. You could cut the tension with a knife.

Why was she in the car with you?

This sounds awful. I’d end it.

@Mondaybluez That's awful sorry you went through this.

I have written everything down as I always do it helps me to organise my thoughts.

Thank you for your advice xx

It was pre arranged for us to drop her home at the end of the day.

The fuck she would have been getting in the car with me! I would speak to her op. Tell her what you saw and tell her to keep her hands off. Then tell your DH that you have spoken to her so now everyone knows and there's to be no repeat performance or he's out.

So you had to endure a 3 hour car ride after their blatantly cozy display which looked like they were on a date? That must have been excruciating, @DenimPombear92.

Something illicit is going on between them. It sounds like they set up this whole scenario so they could be together, and couldn’t care less that it was in front of you in plain sight.

I would be checking his phone, although he may have already sanitized it.

They are taking you for a mug, @DenimPombear92. Take action and show him the door.

Things likely escalated between them when they disappeared together, hence the thick silence when in your presence in the car.

At that point were they both aware that you had clocked the inappropriate touching and stroking and their leaving/returning at the same time?

You’ve seen that he crosses lines with other women, and with this one in particular. This is not a trustworthy man.

@MsDogLady yes my partner was aware as I pulled him up on it straight after it happened and he said he didn't even realise and apologised. The next day when they both arrived together I was off with him and he said are you pissed because we arrived back together.... Nothing happened we just bumped into eachother on our way back here. He tried to reassure me that nothing has happened but I just couldn't shake it.

How long did they disappear for?

@RealEagle for around 20 mins roughly

@DenimPombear92, I’m a bit confused. Did his moving his hands around OW’s body and their disappearing and reappearing together occur on the same day/night or span 2 days? Did he stay with you that night but then left and later showed up with her?

Of course he recalled the intentional stroking. It’s all so dodgy, and the tense and silent car ride speaks volumes. He must have told her they were busted, hence their subdued silence.

Who is this woman to both of you? I can tell you that she is not a true friend of yours or your relationship, and he is an unboundaried, disloyal cake eater who feels entitled to gaslight you.

@MsDogLady sorry I can see why that was confusing. We were out for drinks and it happened on the same day. Throughout the day/night they were both leaving for different reasons and then reappearing together at times I could see them chatting in the distance. Not had much sleep so apologies for the errors.

I know of the girl however he has known her since they were at school together and she is part of his friendship group.

He has spoken to me and has apologised for the way he made me feel and has said that he understands why I'm upset but ended in another argument as after he said all the right things he gas lit me by saying that the only reason it was awkward was because of me and he wouldnt care if it was the other way round as he isn't like me.

Feel so confused

Hang in there.... you know what you know you saw what you saw and your gut is always right and he crossed a line xxxx

Throughout the day/night they were both leaving for different reasons and then reappearing together at times I could see them chatting at a distance…

It sounds like they did indeed have an agenda to be together as much as possible, so would invent reasons to exit, meet up, and then show up together. When paired with the
over-familiar touching, it’s obvious that they’re investing in a non-platonic connection.

He … has apologised for the way he made me feel and has said he understands why I’m upset but ended in another argument as after he said all the right things he gas lit me by saying that the only reason it was awkward was because of me and he wouldn’t care if it was the other way round as he isn’t like me.

He was in damage control mode when he apologized and expressed empathy, but then negated that by shifting the blame and putting the responsibility on you, and then taunting that he wouldn’t mind your doing the same (I call bullshit on that).

What do you plan to do, @DenimPombear92?