Husbands angry outbursts…

[Treesnbirds]

Not sure what to do, been together 20 years have 4 children, he has occasional angry outbursts which I’m getting less tolerant of (menopause?!) Eg. on holiday last week we’d both been ill, I’d had an upset stomach, which I’d told him about that morning, and we were heading to the beach in the car, he said ‘oh no I forgot the bodyboards for the kids’. It was a tidal beach and already low tide so time was running out, I replied ‘I think we should just keep going’ (they can still swim and play in the waves plus we hadn’t got long as it was gone 5pm) he shouts that I am always ‘dictating’ and ‘controlling’ which I know is out of order, but it had been a tough week preparing for camping while both ill, and looking after the kids at the same time….. but then he proceeded to drive too fast down a rough lane (an ongoing area of tension is me asking him to slow down and him getting angry and / or sulky) and drove fast over speed bumps even though he knew I had a bad stomach.

When we got to the beach he apologised I think for calling me controlling, but I couldn’t hear him as he spoke so quietly and it was in front of our friends. It’s been a week and I’m still not feeling great about this. Don’t know what to do. We’ve had a rough couple of years with close deaths in the family (including his mum) and he tends to hold things together, not really opening up. I don’t want to split up, especially for the kids, but I’m really don’t feel ok with this especially as it was in front of them. Not sure how to resolve it. Any opinions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

I’d resolve it very firmly by telling him if he ever does it again you will divorce him.

make clear you mean it and the outbursts need to end. I bet he doesn’t speak to his boss like that, only you.

if he is struggling after loss of family members then he needs to seek professional support and counselling

You need to speak to him about the way he speaks to you and the shouting. Speeding isn't great either, especially with children in the car. If he's grieving, Cruse do free bereavement counselling. He needs to find a way to regulate his emotions.

Thank you, yeah one time I completely lost it when we had a young baby and my mum was very sick and I shouted that I couldn’t cope he said he was working so hard and obviously still getting it wrong so we needed to look at having a break, then all my energy (not much left at that time) had to be redirected into trying to save our relationship- what I mean is I’m not allowed to shout at him, so I wonder why he thinks it’s ok. You’re right about the boss… he never would shout at anyone else ☹️.

Thank you I didn’t know you could get free bereavement counselling I’ll definitely look into that.

What happens if you shout at him? You say you spent your energy saving your relationship, how about him?

Yeah it’s mostly me that does that sort of thing, puts effort into the relationship, I don’t remember him changing much but it was a few years ago.

I wouldn’t put up with the speeding. I’d be ready to get out of the car with the children and take an uber home next time he does it. It’s dangerous and a terrible example to the children, never mind the insults and shouting as well.

There is no way he should be driving at frightening speeds with his wife and children in the car while shouting. If you requesting consideration and him slowing down when driving so you feel safe and respected as a passenger makes him angry and sulky, he has got a problem.

I would tell him when the holiday is over that you are not prepared to continue as you are, that the communication between you has broken down and you suggest that you both seek six months of individual counselling after which you will embark upon a stint of couples therapy together to see if things can be improved to a level where you're happy to remain in the marriage.

His behaviour is abusive and your children are watching.