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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Depressed husband …

2 replies

MrsJJ84 · 25/08/2025 21:32

dont know what I hope to achieve by writing this but I’m at my wits end .
husband has been struggling with physical and mental health on and off for two years . He won’t take medication for depression and there is no medication for his physical illness.
I hope I am a supportive partner and always offer to take on most things at home so he can rest . I also make it known that I’m there for him to talk to and will always be there for him .
I feel selfish for feeling this way but I’m feeling so lonely . Sometimes he can be short and not speak much which I know is a symptom of his health atm . Which is why I feel bad for feeling resentful . This morning I spent time talking with him , holding him and trying to discuss some solutions . This afternoon he’s barely talking to me . I just feel so sad that the man I married isn’t there anymore and then I feel guilty for feeling upset over it all . I feel cross when he makes an effort with the kids but not with me . I get the brunt of everything. I miss having a partner who compliments me , laughs with me and wants to be around me . The depression makes me feel like he tolerates me and that I irritate him . I am prone to being anxiously attached and I have tried to give him space when he needs it . I’ve started thinking about what it would be like to feel loved and also to feel looked after in the way I look after everyone else . I can’t communicate this as he isn’t in a good place to take it well .
I just feel like I’m heading towards depression myself if this continues …
just so sad …

OP posts:
LighthouseTeaCup · 25/08/2025 22:04

I was the depressed spouse. Medication didn't help, I'd tried several over the years. My DH found me a therapist and drove me there. He sat outside for an hour while I had my session and drove me back home. I didn't like him for it. But him making the decision and organising the logistics made it straightforward to go along with. It felt impossible to fight against it. He didn't give me an ultimatum, which he could have done. But it felt like this was the last option for us. We couldn't carry on as we had been. I wouldn't have done it for myself.

That was years ago, and I'm much healthier now. I feel a huge amount of gratitude to my DH for acting in my best interests back then when I couldn't.

You don't have to live like this. You can leave. You can do what my DH did. You can look for therapy for yourself too

MiloMinderbinder925 · 25/08/2025 22:13

Depression is an awful illness and coupled with a physical illness can be very hard. I have no idea how his physical illness effects him but the best way of tackling depression is with various strategies and most of all, routine.

Depression can make you very selfish, so getting through to him might be difficult. He really needs to take control and start trying to improve things.

If he won't take medication, how about an anti inflammatory diet and exercise? Mindfulness, supplements such as Magnesium, vitamin D and omega 3. Therapy or a group? He has lots of options and your own mental health is going to suffer if he doesn't make an effort.

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