Love languages mismatched

[Lovelanguage]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We're both in our 50s & don't live together. He has so many good qualities but I can't shake the feeling we're mismatched. We get on great, laugh a lot hardly ever argue.
But
I like hugs, kisses, physical affection, holding hands & he doesn't seem bothered. Yesterday I was upset about something, nothing to do with him, but all I wanted was a hug & i got nothing. Can a relationship like this work if your needs are mismatched?

If you ask for a hug or initiate a hand hold is he happy to go with it? If yes I’d be ok I think. If he’s uncomfortable with physical affection I’d end things as it’s so important to me

Agree with @Gymbunny2025

he won’t volunteer them as won’t ever need one himself so doesn’t think like you do.

Have you talked to him about it? It's one thing if he doesn't do it because he doesn't ever feel the need to receive - but if it's a dealbreaker to you then you need to tell him, because either he will want to do it to make you happy and more content - or he won't, in which case you will have to make a choice.

We have held hands when I've instigated it & he'll give me a hug if I ask for one. I think you're right he doesn't think about it because he doesn't need it. I did say to him in a jokey way that I'm a touchy feely person & he isn't but he insisted he is!

Just keep those lines of communication open and maybe don't be jokey because that may give mixed signals. If it something that you feel so strongly about that you would post about it on here, then that's a bit of a personal admission to yourself that it really does matter to you - and nothing wrong with that. It's a good sign that even if he is not an initiator he will respond to your initiation. But if you want a bit more spontaneity from him then it probably needs a bit more spelling out that isn't done in a humorous way, if that makes sense?

Unfortunately, it’s not likely that he’ll change, if he’s in his 50s, is it? If it’s that important to you, I’d end it and move on. Has he been in relationships before?

I know it's unlikely he will change. Im just pondering whether this will work & whether I'm willing to compromise own needs when everything else about our relationship is good. Prior to this I was single for a long time after my divorce. He has been married twice.

This is probably the reason he’s been married twice 😀

I once heard someone use this metaphor and I'm wondering whether it applies to use:

You seem to have certain expectations, and it's like you've written a script, but haven't shared the script with anyone. And then you get upset because people aren't following the lines in the script.

I don't know you at all, but from your post and replies I get the feeling that you're not very good at communicating what you need, and rather you get disappointed when people don't sense what you need at that time. Maybe you try to give hints, like telling your SO that you're very physical and he isn't. You still haven't asked anything from him by mentioning this.
You may think: "well I've asked him for a hug the past X times I've been upset. He should know by now." Again, it's not because you asked for a hug at a specific time, that he knows that you consistently need hugs from him. You haven't articulated your expectations.

Again, I may be completely wrong here. But it's worth wondering how you communicate those needs.
And then it's worth wondering whether you can feel happy in a relationship where you need to feed your partner information about how to love you. There is nothing implied here. It's a genuine question. Some people don't mind. Others do and expect their partners to know/learn their needs.

The truth Op is that he MIGHT be non physical - OR he might just not fancy you and want to touch you. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I really believe in order to be happy in relationships you have to constantly be prepared to face the truth.

He might not feel like touching you as it just doesn't interest him - now, in my eyes that makes him a friend! Do you have a good sex life?

I'm very much NOT a touchy feely person and actively avoid hugs from my DH sometimes! So I really do know that not everyone is into hugging - I absolutely never want to hug friends for example.

But - I do reach out, hold his hand, hug him sometimes and I would say we hug fairly often.

I totally get this!
After a long marriage of miscommunication, and then a similar relationship, I am now in a relationship that is actually healthy because I’ve decided to be (gently) clear and v direct V about what I want (and sensitive to what he wants)
His love language is cooking for me.
I’m not remotely interested in food, would exist on cottage cheese and bananas, but have learned to be really appreciative of hours food offering because that makes him happy and secure.

Similarly, he didn’t naturally do the hand holding, but now does it because he has learned (I instigated it) that it makes me happy and secure.

Essentially you're saying you aren't happy with the current state of your relationship but in a flowery, round about way. You have two choices:

1. Communicate clearly what you need from him. He may not have realised with all your hints and jokes, he may be able to give more once you communicate what it is you actually need.
2. Tell him he is not what you need and end it

As someone who isn’t a physically affectionate person I am like your DP in that I don’t expect or want random hugs kisses and hand holding so it doesn’t enter my thoughts that someone else does.
It’s not that I don’t care or that I’m not attracted to someone, it’s just not something that would occur naturally to me.

Id I was asked ‘can I have a hug’ then of course I would but it isn’t something I’d do spontaneously. It’s just a mismatch of expectations like someone said

Equally I’d find being hugged and kissed all the time annoying if I’m honest.

We have a great sex life & im pretty sure he does fancy me. I don't want to be kissed & hugged all the time. Thinking about it I always greet my grown up dcs with a hug but he never does with his. I think you're all right about communicating. We've had a talk tonight & he didn't realise how upset I was the other day. He seemed genuinely surprised to hear all I wanted him to do was hug me. I just assumed he would know so I need to be better at communicating what I want. Im willing to give that a try. Thanks for all the helpful comments.