Reposting here to hopefully get more responses
I don't even know where to start with this Tbh. I've been with my partner for over a year basically a year and a half, he's a widower and has been for 4 years, for the purpose of this thread ill be saying stepson etc to make it easier to follow.
He has 3 kids. DSD21, DSS17 and DSS11, we've taken things slowly but I stay over, I was the first person he's dated since his wife passed and he was very worried about how his DC would feel but we all get along well. I don't see much of DSS17 as he sleeps in the garage conversion and DSD21 lives in a flat nearby with friends but his youngest gets along with me his words were as long as someone plays Mario with him he's happy. DP’s mum lives with him and I get along with her too. I don't have kids myself
DSS11 is really into football and is very extroverted the same as DP. DSS17 however is shy and sensitive type. He keeps himself to himself and doesn't talk about his feelings. He is into football but he's into music a lot more, he plays guitar and writes his own songs which he hid from everyone for a long time.
The problem is how DP speaks to him, his gf broke up with him a few weeks back and he was understandably heartbroken as most 17yos would be; but DP basically told him to get over it by sleeping with someone else, his exact words were “Best way to get over a girl is to get under another” i thought he was joking but he doubled down when DSS17 wasn't interested and just wanted to write his music. He told him girls didn't want a nice guy writing songs and told him to toughen up and “treat em mean to keep em keen”, I pulled him up on it and he just laughed and said it was just banter and he was trying to help his son become a man.
Since then he's been making comments like “stop being a soft lad girls don't want that” “you'll end up friend zoned if you keep acting like this” “you're too sensitive mate you need to man up” “girls like a bit of a bad boy you're too polite”
He had a gig last night which was his first gig, it was at a small bar and he was so nervous it was really out his comfort zone. It went well and he did amazing but in the car on the way home he just said “great show mate but writing songs won't get you laid” I sat there gobsmacked and DSS went quiet and went straight to his room when we got home.
He is so different to DSS10 who is laddish and plays football which DP encourages but with DSS17 it's like he thinks he needs to toughen him up. He does an apprenticeship at a garage as a mechanic and he is very interested but he's good at music too, he's such a sweet lad and very creative. I've tried saying to DP it's not funny and it's out if order but he shrugs and says “I don't want him to get walked all over” and “I'm just trying to give him life advice” but it's not advice it's sexist and nasty and DSS doesn't need it
What makes it worse is DSD has started dating someone recently and DP is very protective, told her to be careful because men only want one thing, asked him 101 questions, he goes on about how she should never met a man treat her badly, she's worth more than that and he'd never let her be with a man who disrespects her but he's telling his son to do exactly that
To make matters worse I also found out I was pregnant the other day, completely unplanned and I haven't yet told him yet but I'm terrified of what this means if this is how he sees relationships