I think DH and I decided to split but don't know how and where and what

[vampbaby]

DH and I just had huge argument about same thing we always fight about. I tell him to stop smoking weed and he says I control him completely. We can't stand each other anymore and don't know what to do. All we know is we don't really want to live with each other anymore. Where do you go from there? And how does child custody work, and who moves out and etc...?

Sorry to hear this vampbaby I think the person to move out would be the parent who isn't likely to have full residency of the DC/Dc's - in most cases the Father.

Child custody you should hopefully be able to arrange yourself, in my experience most people tend to have the kids live with one parent and then lots of access/frequent visits from the non resident parent.

Is your house rented or bought? How old are children?

the house is owned by DH's parents and dd is 11 months old.

You need to get legal advice. Find a solicitor. I think the first hour is free.

how can I find some advice and solicitor..?? Does it need to be near where I live or could I talk to someone on the phone to get a rough idea of what I'll be going through?

Do you know anyone who has got divorced ? A word of mouth recommendation for a solicitor can be worth its weight in gold.

Yellow pages ? Phone them up and ask to make an initial appointment to discuss divorce.

Have you tried the CAB (Citizen's advice) ?

I will try CAB tomorrow. Thanks for that.

no I don't know anyone who has go divorced.

You're welcome. Sorry it has come to this for you, btw.

believe me vampbaby divorce/separation is terrible and much more so when children are involved

Firstly Id recommend you both get counselling and try hard to resolve your problems.

Im a bit shocked others are advising you to run to a solicitor first with so little knowledge of your circumstance ie you've had another fight about weed and loath eachother atm

As I said bailing out is not at all easy, ime at least try to work it out.

I agree

Suggest and really, REALLY give marriage counselling a try.

I totally object to the haridans who immediately say "oh dad should move out and he can be non-res parent"

... why should dad move out, why not mum move out and he be sole res parent?

you see, not nice when it's put like that is it?

far better to both put the children first, sort out your problems, then and only then if the relationship has irreconceivably broken down THEN think about ending things. BUT only after first sorting out child and finance arrangements mutually agreed, sort out a parenting plan for the children, and preferably going to Family Mediation rather than greasing the wallets of scumbag solicitors who will bleed you both dry.

Anyway, as it's DH parent's house I think it's they that will be calling the shots.

I know it will be DH staying at the house with dd. So I have given up about even having sole cutody of my dd. When dd was born, they insisted that she can't have my last name either and I'm from another country and I felt so intimidated so I just gave up. It just feels completely unfair and powerless as DH and inlaws are all 30min. distance and all my relatives are in far east. I don't want to have marriage counseling as he is a complete addict and I know he won't change and he is so charming and well spoken middle class English gentleman to other people. In all honesty, I prefer him when he is stoned than not. What kind of marriage is that?

You really must got to Citizens advice (CAB). Your child can live with you. You need to find out what to do next to ensure this.

I went to the website. What should I do I don't see anything useful.

well yes I do. Is there any advice number that I could call..?? all the reading is getting me VERY confused

I'm so sorry to be rambling after midnight. I'll call the local CAB on Monday. Any advice as to how to be separated but live in same house. DH says we should try that as neither of us can't afford to move out and also we have business together at the moment.

WHile you should definitely talk to the CAB and find out about your legal rights, you need to ask your DH what he means by being 'separated but living in the same house'. Separate bedrooms? Division of household chores? Or does he mean that you carry on cooking, cleaning, taking care of the DC etc while he gets to go off and have sex with other people?

he's not having sex with other people. We just don't get along anymore. Separate bedrooms. He has told friends and some family members that we are separating.

My exh and I lived separately for about 6 months. It is hard because you're both in limbo but it can work providing you don't hate each other and have constant blazing rows in front of the dc's

On a practical level - it was just like a house share. Separate rooms, own shelf in fridge, cupboards etc for food (sometimes we would cook for each other if it made practical sense), own washing and ironing, splitting childcare sometimes (i.e. you have 2 nights off, he has 2 nights off and you share the rest) etc.

Obviously, when you do split, its better to try and sort things out between you and then just get a solicitor to draw up a separation agreement (if you want), but the situation with it being DH's parents house etc. does sound complicated so it may be worth getting some legal advice in due course.

Whereabouts are you ? Perhaps someone on MN could recommend a solicitor ?

hmm..He came out of weed withdrawal and said he doesn't want to separate and want to go see therapist to get rid of weed addiction. I'm all for that if he's willing to give it up because for me it was either us or weed. I'll see how it all goes. I'll joing the support for addicted partner thread I think. THank you for all the posts.

That sounds positive vampbaby

Good Luck - hope it works out