I don't know what's going on

[VeryConfusedAboutEverything]

The background is I'm mid forties, perimenopausal, on HRT and just coming out of a year of shitty poor health but am on the mend now. There is also a lot of extended family drama happening in my family that I'm trying really hard to stay out of, but staying out of it is taking up almost as much mental and emotional energy as being in the middle of it, if you see what I mean.

I've been with DH for 18 years and he is a good, kind, lovely hard working man. We have two kids who are in secondary school and doing well.

The thing that I'm confused about is that it feels like recently DH has become a bit of a sex pest. He talks about us having sex a lot. He's always saying he fancies me and compliments me on my body, etc. But it just feels...too much? I feel a bit objectified and awkward. He also tries to get me to look at him when he's naked and asks me to compliment him, which also feels forced. He touches me all the time, but it's always straight to my boobs or between my legs, or he'll grab my bum and squeeze it. I've noticed I tense up now whenever he comes near me because I'm anticipating a groping. I hate feeling like this. It's actually really upsetting me.

If I try and say this to him he says we've always been like this with each other, but I really don't feel like we have? Everything feels about sex now - or about how much he fancies me, or whether I fancy him. He doesn't really talk about much else with me. If I ignore him or tell him to stop, he gets all hurt and offended. Says I should be happy he still wants me so much. If we do have sex, he just then wants more and more. We'll have sex at night and then he wants it the next morning. If I turn him down in the morning, he says what about tonight then? It feels relentless and I'm getting really turned off by it all.

We have always had quite a good sex life although it's obviously ebbed and flowed as we've had babies, toddlers, stressful jobs and general life stuff. But sex has never been an issue until he recently started acting like this.

I can't work out what's going on. Have we really always been like this and I'm the one who's changed now that I'm on HRT? Or is it him who's changed and is suddenly acting like a Benny Hill character?

I feel sad a lot of the time because I'm starting to wish he would just leave me alone and be normal. I never thought I'd ever feel this way about him but I don't know how to make him stop acting weird and just go back to how he's always been.

Tell him the truth. It's giving you the ick. Then let him deal with it.

Has there been any other changes in his behaviour apart him suddenly becoming obsessed about having sex with you?
Is there anything else changed in his life ? Has this family drama been impacting him?

I'm wondering if he's always been like this and now that you are approaching midlife your tolerance levels are lower?

Could also be that he's got into a kind of downward spiral with his behaviour, he acts needy, you push him away, he feels needier etc. Not your fault but does need addressing.

He does need to listen to you though, it's not on to ignore or minimise what you are saying.
Do you need to go nuclear to make your point?

The constant grabbing, and physical contact just being sexual would give me the ick too. Have you tried to discuss around this, to have intimacy not only around sex- cuddles etc? But only if you think this would help for you.

I think this is the closest explanation. Although I really do feel as if I've never been as overtly sexual as he seems to be remembering. I think he's exaggerated that in his head.

My mind has been so preoccupied with health stuff and family that maybe he's felt that I'm a bit distant lately? But he doesn't ask me what's on my mind or try to understand what I'm feeling, he just gets moody and tells me I don't fancy him any more. I hate it the emotional manipulation. How am I even supposed to respond to that? Now we're in this negative feedback loop where he gets needy and it makes me pull back, so he gets needier.

I've tried to address it gently, but he gets really offended and acts all hurt. This in itself pisses me off because I don't feel I can say anything. I don't want it to get to the point where he goes into grope me between the legs one more time and I absolutely flip. I'm worried that would cause irreparable damage to our relationship.

Isn't he causing irreparable damage to your relationship by groping you and behaving like that? If you did flip, it would be completely his fault. You seem worried about getting angry with him.
I think the vast majority of women would hate to be groped like you are describing. Just because he is saying you are in the wrong and making you feel like that, it doesn't mean he is right. Please remember that.
You seem to be putting his feelings before your own, why is it ok that he is upsetting you but not that he gets all hurt and offended? Again not your fault, you are not doing anything wrong by pointing out his gross behaviour.
Is he supporting you with the health and family stuff? I'm guessing not from what you've said. Do you have any connection at all?
He's a big man baby if he is expecting your attention at all times, and big man babys are not attractive.
I would write him a letter saying everything that you have said here, so you have it clearly written down and things can't be twisted, and then ask him what he thinks the solution is.
I think if this situation carries on, he is going to make you hate him and your marriage will be over (which will be his fault)

I'm returning to this thread because I could do with some perspectives. I simply do not know which way is up any more.

Is it normal to not want your husband to always be touching you between the legs and on your bum and breasts? If I'm at the sink, he'll come up behind me and grab my boobs or stroke my buttocks. Would/do other women like that? I wouldn't mind a hug around the waist but it's so sexual all the time.

Every morning when he wakes up, he rolls over towards me and goes straight to touch my breasts or between my legs. It makes me freeze up. Is that normal? He says this is what we've always been like but I honestly fucking hate it and can't imagine ever having been okay with it.

The other morning I was in a lovely dream sleep and he woke me up by ripping the covers off me so that I was suddenly cold and then he stared touching my breasts. It's like in that moment he didn't even think about me as a person, just as an object he wanted to play with. I was furious with him and then there was an atmosphere between us for the rest of the day.

He acts like I'm unreasonable not to like all this sexual attention from him. I can't find the words to explain to him that it's really not pleasant. He is just horny all the time and he can't understand why I'm not delighted about it "but I love you and fancy you", "you should be happy I'm so attracted to you". Even in the car, he'll put his hand on my leg (fine) but then start moving it up to my crotch and I start to feel panicky and trapped. He does it when the kids are in the back and I worry that they will see.

How can I explain that I do fancy him and love him and want to have sex with him, but I don't want to be touched all the fucking time? I constantly feel tense and guilty because I'm 'rejecting' him. I don't even get a chance to get warmed up and feel in the mood because he's straight in there with the sexual talk and the groping. It puts me right off and then we get in a negative feedback loop.

This sounds extreme, but he's 50 and I was wondering if this is a sign of early dementia or something. When we're alone together he talks almost of nothing else except sex or us having sex or what he thinks about my body. We don't really have normal conversations any more unless I make an effort to steer us back to non-sexual topics. I try to 'reward' him with affection when he is normal for a period of time - sort of like positive reinforcement - so that he can see I'm still interested in him when he calms down and backs off me. But to be honest, even the fact that I'm aware I'm having to do that is giving me the ick.

I know everyone's different, but generally, what are other people like with their husbands and partners? Do you welcome being touched intimately the moment you wake up? Is that a sign that a relationship is healthy?

This sounds like very unusual behaviour - the fact that conversation topics all centre around sex. You should be able to sleep in your bed without fear of being groped.

Where I get muddled is that in a relationship there is usually a shared unspoken agreement that you're allowed to touch each other in ways that you wouldn't touch a friend or co-worker or stranger. So, cuddle, leg squeeze, spontaneous kiss is fine, but grabbing between the legs with no warning is not okay. But for some reason I find it hard to explain to him the difference. Like, yes it's okay to come and give me a kiss or a cuddle, but not touch my breasts or between my legs. I think in his mind it's all the same.

I suspect that you are muddled by his inability to understand something as basic as this. He is choosing not to understand because he feels entitled to behave in this way. He doesn't want to stop, he just wants you to be ok with it.
It's clearly not ok.
Being woken up by being groped is gross and would make me want to deck him

It’s not ok. It’s not normal.

Possible reasons for it:

1. he’s been watching a lot of porn.
2. he’s shagging someone else and this is a rouse to hide it.
3. he’s seen this behaviour modelled elsewhere. Has he a friend who has got a new gf and they are like this?

sit him down and read him what you have written to us.

I have this problem with DH. We got into a cycle where the more he gropes and pesters me the more I push him away. The more I push him away, the more he pesters me whenever I'm close to him. It reached the stage where I actively avoided being close to him, showed him zero affection as he'd just treat it as an invitation for sex. We were both miserable.
We had quite a frank discussion where I told him he needs to back the fuck off. He seemed to get it but still needs reminding and it's something we're still working on.

It's horrible isn't it? You can't win either way. Put up with unwanted groping and suffer building resentment and a sense of violation, or speak up and say something and get punished by sulking and bad atmosphere.

Why can't they just be normal? Men and their dicks are pathetic.

Pathetic is exactly right.
It's reached the point where I won't change in front of him because of the comments and attention. I don't want to wear clothes that show my cleavage because it encourages him. He doesn't understand why I don't enjoy it, because he would. I just don't want that level of attention on my body all the fucking time.

been there and it was horrendous, the behaviour escalated to demands to go swinging onion sex clubs and eventually it was discovered he’d had a long term
affair all the time

100% He thinks I should enjoy it because it's what he would like. Such a self absorbed way to think. No consideration for what I might like.

I was in the bath tonight and he came in to do a wee (which in itself is fucking annoying - we only have one bathroom) and without sounding like I was paying too much attention, it was obvious he wasn't desperate and could have held it until I'd got out. I felt like he just wanted an excuse to come and have a good old gawp at me naked. I didn't talk to him at all and in my head I was just thinking oh fuck off.

What makes me sad though is that there was a time when he might have come in while I was in the bath and maybe he would have got in with me, or sat on the loo seat and we'd have had a good chat. And I wouldn't have minded that at all. Because it wouldn't have been sexual, it just would have been about us having closeness. But because he makes every single fucking thing about sex lately, I just don't want him in my space. I miss how it used to be.

I did wonder if there was something going on outside of our relationship that's getting him all excited. Maybe he's watching loads of porn or he's had his head turned at work? I can't really see it though. We've just been on holiday together for three weeks and there was absolutely nothing to indicate either of those things. If anything he's trying to be with me more of the time, rather than find a way to sneak off or be on his phone. Maybe he thinks I'm having an affair? Or I've unknowingly suddenly become really sexy and irresistible?

Not normal. Could you get a taser? I’m joking, but honestly he needs some kind of response that quickly gets across that this is not on. If I was woken by groping I’d be asking him to sleep somewhere else. Totally not on.

Since he doesn’t seem to respond to standard methods of communication, could you write him a short, to the point note? Something along the lines of “I love you, but if you carry on with the constant groping and sexual talk, you’re going to destroy our marriage”.

You got me at groping. This isn’t just about giving you the ick, he’s being abusive.

Being in your mid-40s and perimenopausal doesn’t men your memory banks have been completely wiped. Surely you would know if your H’s behaviour had changed? I mean, you would not forget, for example, that he talked about sex a lot, or was always copping a feel when you were doing the dishes?

which suggests to me he is the one who has changed.

And even in the unlikely event you did use to like all the sink stuff etc, you are allowed to say no, I don’t like this behaviour, please respect me and stop!

I also wonder if he’s started taking Viagra. It had a terrible effect on my DH

Often, a sudden change like this signals infidelity. Either actual, or wanting to.

Does he have a new female colleague? Or in his sports group?

It's unacceptable to be sexually harassed like this. That he actually grabs you between the legs is particularly horrendous. I would feel really physically threatened by this.

He doesn't 'grab' me as such. It's more that he'll stroke my breasts and then stroke down to my thighs and across to between my legs. But by then I'm already tense and bracing myself. I'm lying there letting him because I want to be 'nice' but my body really wants to run away. He's not being threatening he means it to be affectionate and a nice thing for me, but I just don't enjoy it. Not when it's so out of context out of nowhere, like I've just woken up, feel groggy with morning breath, checking the weather app on my phone and then suddenly his hands are on my bits. Just, no.

Just to further add - nothing about him is threatening or scary. But when he touches me there with no warning, it does give me flashbacks to times when I have been in sexually coercive situations. Even though he doesn't intend it, the feeling for me is the same.

I am sorry you are going through this OP - it sounds horrible. And I just want to clarify from the get go that what I am about to share is not supposed to be a validation of his conduct for one second.

I am single currently, do usually have quite a high sex drive, and I have to say that, when I am into a relationship and really enjoying it, a lot of the stuff you describe (talking about sex a lot, partner touching me and signalling rhey are ready for sex as soon as they wake, stealing the opportunity for a cheeky bit of intimate touching while washing up etc) I would actually welcome! I realise I might sound like a rancid pervert for saying this - but having had relationships where partners have shown no sexual interest and made me feel very unattractive and unwanted, this sort of behaviour is actually something would have welcomed!

HOWEVER, clearly it HAS to be consensual. And from the sounds of it, you have repeatedly told your husband that you are not welcoming this behaviour - ane Therefore it is TOTALLY unacceptable for him to do these things to you.

And I do understand how you feel - I remember one stage with my ex-husband, when I had a low libido (due to normal contraception) when every time he touched me in bed I felt completely smothered, and wanted to scream at him to back off - even though he wasn't really doing anything wrong .....

Mismatched libidos is such a common problem in relationships, and can be a source of sadness to both partners I believe, in different ways.

The only way through is communication, kindness and clarity. You need to keep telling him how you are feeling - considerately of course - and he NEEDS to listen. If he can't, if he persists in his current conduct against your will, there can be no hope. Counselling might help - would he agree to it?

The ultimate goal, I would suggest, is to arrive at an amount of sexual contact in your relationship that is fulfilling and enjoyable for both of you. Otherwise at least one of you, maybe bothz will always be unhappy. I really hope you get there.

I wish you all the best.

Thank you. Yes, smothered is exactly the word.

I do feel sad because I have quite a healthy libido I think. It's not that I don't feel sexy or want sex, I just don't want to talk about it or think about it all the fucking time. Or feel self conscious about what I look like or how I'm coming across.

Of course it's nice to be desired, but this doesn't feel like it's about me - it feels like it's about him using me to meet his needs IYSWIM? He's really horny so I have to be delighted about this and perform reciprocal horniness. I feel objectified.

I just want to live my normal life in my normal relationship and have normal sex at an appropriate time and when I genuinely feel like it - but I never get the chance to get in the mindset because he'll say or do something overtly sexual and then I'm turned off again. I'm absolutely sick of feeling his hands on my buttocks when I'm bending over to tie up the goddam rubbish bags for example. One instance of that is enough to make me pull up the shutters for the night.