Can you save a marriage once sex has gone?

[Hedgestoohigh]

Just that really. Not gone completely but become awkward?

No problems other than this. Good husband, great father.

My sex drive has always been very low and I have some hang ups due to an awful childhood. We have 3 very young kids that have exhausted me. DH has a busy job so I run the house, he helps when he is here though. I had some birth injuries (prolapse) after last baby which causes me to feel gross. I hate my boobs and stomach now too.

I try and remain fit except loose skin post pregnancy but DH has gained a lot of weight which being honest I don’t like, I do find him attractive but he no longer makes an effort to stay fit etc. He’s become very inactive.

Things have been okay, sex once a week or so but after a dry spell caused by kids and work he now has ED. In an argument he blames me for constantly rejecting him over the past 5 years and said now he doesn’t want it at all. He said sex now feels forced and unnatural and it puts him off.

What now? How do I get past this? I can make an effort but can’t get out of my head what he said about sex not being good any more, if it’s not good what’s the point?

Im not even too fussed about it anymore, could probably live without it but I know he can’t.

Any advice much appreciated

I was your husband in this situation and once it became awkward I just couldn't do it anymore, it became weird and more like a friendship.

I left in the end.

Best of luck.

Yes, of course, there are lots of people who can’t have sex for various reasons and still have happy healthy relationships. Dh and I haven’t in about 2 years because it’s too painful (cancer). But you have to want to work on it. It sounds like at the moment, he’s doing a lot of blaming and not a lot of taking responsibility for finding solutions.

I think you’ve done massively well to be doing it once a week with small children (we definitely weren’t doing it that much when our dc were that age). You’re certainly above average for parents of young dc! It sounds like you need some actual time together to re-connect, which is going to take him being present more, dealing with his hang ups, and you working on your trauma and some childcare, so you get time together again.

Surely he married you knowing you have a very low sex drive, although once a week wouldn't be considered low by many.

You have three very young children which I presume you both wanted and this stage of life is hard. It sounds like communication and intimacy are completely out of the window.

Being sexually rejected for five years (though you say it's once a week), is hard and I'm not surprised he has hang ups. However, you should never have sex you don't want.

Surely he can live without, if he has ED? You can live without sex in a marriage if the marriage and the couple prioritise other things. So if you value a family unit above your sex life, you can stay together. Financially and for stability and continuity, if you can stay friendly and together it’s productive and practical.

If you think a passing attraction will cause you to chase tail then no, marriage can’t survive the end of sex.

I left my dh primarily for this reason eventually. He was ok with it I wasn’t. It spilled over into everything. My personal view is where there’s intimacy lacking it isn’t a marriage it’s friendship at best. But if you’re both ok with it then maybe that’s ok. One of you may be the perfect candidate to get into a cheating situation or leave at some point. I think it’s unfair to expect one person not to be fulfilled in that way if it’s important to them. It’s not just about what it’s about, well for me anyway it’s all the other stuff that goes along with it.

I left my dh primarily for this reason eventually. He was ok with it I wasn’t. It spilled over into everything. My personal view is where there’s intimacy lacking it isn’t a marriage it’s friendship at best. But if you’re both ok with it then maybe that’s ok. One of you may be the perfect candidate to get into a cheating situation or leave at some point. I think it’s unfair to expect one person not to be fulfilled in that way if it’s important to them. It’s not just about what it’s about, well for me anyway it’s all the other stuff that goes along with it.

my ex abd I came back from this but it took a lot of effort. We did end up splitting in the end but not due to sex. In our relationship it was him with the low sex drive. It is soul wrenching to be rejected time and time again. That said, it's often more nuanced than that. ED is easily solved with the little blue pills. Putting time aside of date nights with no expectation of sex. Remembering you aren't defined as parents and you enjoyed each others company before kids. Finding stuff to talk about that isn't kids/money/house related. And just cos you don't like your body now, doesn't mean you won't again. I changed phenomenally from pre to post kids. Yet I'm now mid formatives and more confident than ever! (Although peri menopause and the cage and lack of fucks had a lot to do with that). Don't write yourself off so soon. Life often feels like survival with young kids. But it will change.

The he can’t live without and ed seem contradictory op.

Viagra doesn't work for all men. There's a lot it doesn't. Often those little blue pills just cause a headache.

I think if both of you are on the same page then you'll probably rub shoulders ok. If one isnt, then resentment takes hold and kills it off eventually

It sounds like a difficult time and you are trying your best. I could suggest one other thing. Could you try communicating with your husband about your fears and concerns? You know best if yours is able to talk openly. If not, some facilitated communication with a therapist maybe? Anyway, I would try to shelve the resentment and blame and alcohol, which sometimes masquerades as a therapist. Alcohol is a bad facilitator. So are family and friends. This is between the two of you. No reason why it couldn't be a rut, but it will take some effort to get out of it. Wish you success.

Thank you all of you.

He wants sex but he says the more I reject him the more it ‘won’t work?’ Now it’s in his head so he worries about it and it’s caused issues with him not wanting to bother because of it but he still wants it? Makes no sense to me either. He’s on antidepressants and is overweight plus vapes but he says it’s my constant rejection thats killed it.

For example the other day we had ran around after kids all day, 5am start, late night. Hot and sweaty all day no chance of a shower. My mum took all 3 out for a rare hour so I lie down for the first time in 6 weeks and he appears naked. No warning/foreplay etc. He said I should have been pleased as we were child free but I just wanted an hour alone!

It’s this type of thing on repeat. Kids finally in bed but I’ve been up since 5 and I’m too tired. He says it’s killed all spontaneity.

I’ve always had a low sex drive but had an abusive childhood so I’m messed up anyway.

It’s not always once a week, we’ve had lots of dry spells. Once a week is a good week. I feel like I’ll just be getting back into it and he will moan about it and it just makes me feel self concious all over again, as if he had a bad time last time so it will be bad again. And then the cycle goes on and on 🙁