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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I crazy to end 20 year relationship

9 replies

Mooseduck · 25/08/2025 09:32

Feeling very conflicted over whether to end very long term relationship. We have two young kids. Main problem is the way he speaks to me, and the constant anxiety it is causing me. He can be quite direct and aggressive in his tone, dismissive, he will repeat the same question until he gets an answer, when I’m still trying to think and figure out what he’s asking. The last few months he has started to call me an idiot and stupid, even in front of the kids and his sister, this upsets me. He has also called our daughter an idiot over minor things. I feel like I walk on eggshells, and constantly worry about doing something that will annoy him and cause him to say something harsh, I think I’ve stopped talking to him about a lot of day to day things, and for some reason now feel nervous about discussing my feelings and wants with him, so I don’t bother. On the other side, we do still have good times together, we’re stable financially, things all go smoothly in our day to day lives. He can be very fun when he’s in a good mood. I’m not sure if I’m overly sensitive and perimenopausal, and need to work on myself and my communication skills, or if I should end things and disrupt all our lives. Interested in outside perspective or if anyone has felt similar. Thank you

OP posts:
THISnewbeginning · 25/08/2025 09:35

This is how it starts ....

....from someone on the other side, you will feel much better once no longer walking on egg shells

Haggisfish3 · 25/08/2025 09:36

Leave. I had a dh like this and he wasn’t even half as bad as yours. The relief I feel at not having to put up with the moods and grumpiness in a day to day basis is immeasurable.

Frugalgal · 25/08/2025 09:41

Mooseduck · 25/08/2025 09:32

Feeling very conflicted over whether to end very long term relationship. We have two young kids. Main problem is the way he speaks to me, and the constant anxiety it is causing me. He can be quite direct and aggressive in his tone, dismissive, he will repeat the same question until he gets an answer, when I’m still trying to think and figure out what he’s asking. The last few months he has started to call me an idiot and stupid, even in front of the kids and his sister, this upsets me. He has also called our daughter an idiot over minor things. I feel like I walk on eggshells, and constantly worry about doing something that will annoy him and cause him to say something harsh, I think I’ve stopped talking to him about a lot of day to day things, and for some reason now feel nervous about discussing my feelings and wants with him, so I don’t bother. On the other side, we do still have good times together, we’re stable financially, things all go smoothly in our day to day lives. He can be very fun when he’s in a good mood. I’m not sure if I’m overly sensitive and perimenopausal, and need to work on myself and my communication skills, or if I should end things and disrupt all our lives. Interested in outside perspective or if anyone has felt similar. Thank you

Do you want your children to grow up and repeat this horrible pattern of abuse? Do you want your daughter to subconsciously seek out a man who will make her feel the same as her dad does?
Because, in remaining with him, that's what you are conditioning them for.

Of course you are not being overly sensitive. He's a vile pig.

If you have no respect for yourself and can't see that you deserve better, then please think of your children. This will only get worse.

MySweetMaggie · 25/08/2025 09:43

Repeating the same question over and over is very aggressive and also difficult if you're in perimenopause. I found I was word hunting and had brain fog when I was going through it. The pressure of someone rudely demanding an answer would have tipped me over the edge! Sorry you're being treated that way, how awful.

YumYa · 25/08/2025 09:45

I'd be keeping a log of his behaviour. He'll get access to dcs. He's being abusive.

WormHasTurned · 25/08/2025 09:50

For about after my H (now XH) left, I kept sighing with relief that he wasn’t there any more. I felt like I could finally breathe again.
Being spoken to with disrespect, not being able to raise things that upset you because for fear of how they will react, treading on egg shells is awful. You live in a permanent state of fear, because even when things are in the nice phase, you don’t know how long it will be before they turn again. My DD is 12 now and I’m so glad I separated from her Dad. She has actually chosen to stop seeing him. It was difficult for the first few months, she just wanted things to go back to ‘normal’. She adjusted though. She is far, far happier now than she was before we split. I didn’t want her growing up thinking this was ‘normal’ and okay and getting into similar relationships in the future. I want better for her.
Look up the cycle of abuse to see if it resonates. You would
not be unreasonable to consider splitting over this behaviour.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 25/08/2025 09:52

It is already getting worse because he’s now calling your dd names.

It is not crazy to leave. You’d be crazy to stay. Your poor dd will be internalising all his words. It will stay with her for life.

LittleGreenDragons · 25/08/2025 09:55

Leave. I've just ended a 45 year relationship because I couldn't face retirement with him where I would be trapped 24/7 with no respite. Do you think you could cope staying for another 10 or 20 years, or until death? If not then start the process now.

PrincessFairyWren · 25/08/2025 13:33

You don't talk to him about day to day things anymore because he is not an emotionally safe space.

I'm in perimenopause myself suggest you got to the GP for yourself and discuss your symptoms and look after yourself. However for me, it went from being absolutely devastated when he said mean things to having an attitude and thinking "what the heck is wrong with you that you needed to say that".

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