DV trigger warning- need advice

[MrsGambini]

So myself and DH have been together longer than we haven’t been.
for 90% of this relationship he has doted on me- then things changed- I don’t know why or how or when,.. but he was my carer at the same time (long term health conditions).
I woke up to him strangling me about a month ago- he was drunk (even though it was the morning)- and I don’t really remember a lot of it (apparently this happens when you’re already asleep and then starved of oxygen).
he must have let go as I’m not strong enough to get him off me. But I sat on the edge of the bed and apparently he kicked me in the ribs (they’re broken) while I phoned my friend.
she told me to get out- and I don’t know how I did (adrenaline maybe?). But I got to my neighbours and the police and ambulance were called etc.
im physically in a safe place now, and healing physically- but everyone around me is wanting me to hate him.. and well I just don’t.
I might in time, but right now my head is so scrambled I don’t know what to think or feel, just sad.
i just HATE this “all men are rubbish” talk- I don’t feel like that.
He has been a great partner and carer for so long- and we recently got the news I’m going through early menopause (30s) due to my health conditions which obviously devastated us both.
I’m not an idiot- and sadly we don’t have children but were trying and wanted them- so there’s nobody else in danger now I’m in a safe place.
i just can’t turn off nearly two decades of love like that and it’s beginning to irritate me that people think I can/should…
what do I do?
im so lost and lonely here any advice would be greatly appreciated.
thank you x

I'm really sorry to hear that, it must have been really shocking and I'm glad you're safe. I know you believe your relationship was great but unfortunately you're in denial which is very common.

It's highly unlikely that a healthy and functional man tried to kill you while you were asleep and then broke your ribs. It's highly likely that your relationship is dysfunctional and your husband is abusive. The abuse spiralled over time to an attempt on your life.

Survivors of abusive relationship feel very strongly about their partners due to trauma bonding. You can read more about it here:
https://therapist.com/trauma/trauma-bonding/ It often takes a survivor several attempts to leave because of denial and trauma bonding.

In your case you are very high risk because strangulation is an indicator of homicide. Because of your strong feelings and denial, you can't see your husband the way others see him which is a highly dangerous man who nearly took your life. If you go back, you may not get another chance to leave.

I recommend specialist dv counselling or trauma based counselling, the Freedom Programme to help you learn about abusive relationships, books to help you work on your self esteem and keeping busy to take your mind off things.

Op was this the first time your husband physically assaulted you?

Oh I’m under no delusions that he could have easily killed me- and that my parents would be now planning my funeral.
ive had psychological input for most of my life (professionally)- so I’ve gone through all of the steps and strategies and meds and everything you can imagine to make myself better. He won’t engage.
I’ve made a lot of progress and I’m honestly not in denial- it’s just the head/heart thing isn’t it?
I know logically I need to move on, however painful it is. But as my Mum said- she could’ve easily been identifying my body.
as a family we are all broken by these recent events- as he was loved like a son/grandson/nephew etc.
genuinely, for the huge majority of our relationship he was more than anyone could wish for. But something changed and I guess I feel (right now anyhow) that I want to know why and how and what made that stop.
i have a tendency to blame myself for things, which I’m working on, but was it me? Did I do something to push him over the edge?
does that make sense?
im not going to do anything stupid and meet up with him/ let him know where I am/ go back (waking up not being able to breathe did that for me- also getting kicked in the ribs so hard I’m still struggling to take deep breaths in is a constant reminder).
I just feel like I have questions only he can answer- and they keep me up at night.
thank you so much for your kind response and links, I will give them a read.
i also feel like a total fool as I was caught on all the neighbours’ door bell footage stumbling around looking for somewhere safe.
i feel kind of embarrassed too? Is that normal? I just know this is not the life if ever advise anyone to live…
dont suppose anyone knows what to do about the chronic loneliness? Night times are the worst as I over think things- and all of the therapeutic coping strategies I’ve been taught and used over the years just can’t happen at this time of night.
Thank you again x

No, for the first 90% of our relationship he was borderline perfection. Then something changed and I tried to get him help, I tried to get him to open up- but nothing.
then the usual cycle started, he neglected me, then was verbally abusive, then physically.
i started making up excuses why I couldn’t see my friends/family because of the bruises.
i just lived in hope I guess.
im so ashamed of myself. I should’ve spoken up sooner. You wouldn’t think it takes nearly being killed to leave…
I just want answers to help me mend my broken heart if that makes sense?
thank you so much for your reply x

It's very common to feel embarrassed and ashamed, it's perfectly natural. Try not to think about the footage, there's nothing you can do about it.

He didn't change OP, I'm telling you that he was always abusive and the abuse escalated. And no, it has absolutely nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do. Many survivors bend over backwards trying to become the best possible version of themselves to stop the abuse but the goalposts always move.

Abusers don't like women and see them as enemy combatants. A relationship is about power and control and having the upper hand. Your relationship always had a power differential because he was your carer and you were dependent on him.

Abusers are very good at masking which is why friends and family think he's the bees knees. However, I 100% guarantee that this didn't come out of nowhere.

Loneliness is literally a killer. Too many women stay in bad relationships because they're frightened of being alone and it's been shown to shorten lives.

My advice is to keep busy and not toss and turn. Watch a comforting box set, join a hobby forum and chat, phone a helpline like the Samaritans, teach yourself knitting, practice yoga, journal, make plans. You're going to be ok💐

Thank you.
i was just always the “clever” one in my social circle- everyone expected me to be running my own company by now (I’m even deliberately using incorrect grammar/spelling/punctuation on here because I’m scared somebody in his family is on here and recognises my story).
I know all you say is true- I guess at the moment I’m too physically and mentally weak/damaged to employ those strategies.but I hope in time I’ll get there, as a lot of them I already do- my heart just feels too broken at the minute to do anything but try and eat/bathe/change clothes.
then it gets to this time of night and I feel like I’m the only one in the world awake- and the dreadful loneliness creeps in, as does sadness, memories…. And when I eventually fall asleep the nightmares. Oddly they aren’t about him. They’re just horrific and I wake up feeling like the world has ended and nobody has let me know yet…
thank you for all of your support- I’m so grateful x

I don't think you'll find out why exactly he turned abuser, and focusing on the good 90% of the time, before he started to attack you, isn't going to help.

A significant minority of men are violently abusive to women. As you were reliant on him as a caregiver, you were extra vulnerable. He resented you, perhaps he didn't want to be the bad guy by leaving you, so took it out on you.

I'm a single parent, living alone as my DS is grown and working abroad. My dog gives me company and a sense of security, really stops me feeling too lonley - could you manage to have a dog?

That's no problem. I would see your GP to discuss medication. You might find beta blockers helpful or antidepressants. Even short term use of sleeping tablets.

I really recommend Magnesium. You can take Magnesium glycinate to help sleep and Magnesium flakes for the bath. Touch is helpful. If you have the money get massages or try a weighted blanket. Magnesium glycinate, it keeps changing it.

There's loads of information here on self care and healing:
https://www.riseuk.org.uk/resources/wellbeing-for-adults

Have the police charged him? It sounds like attempted murder to me which would have a pretty long sentence.

Lots of abusers are nice at first and then something triggers their dark side. Have you contacted any domestic abuse charities? They should be able to hellp you come to terms with what has happened and will help you through any court case.