Dv

[Monkey5x]

Hi all, please no hate. I’m coming here because I’m desperate at this point.
so 8 weeks ago me and my ex partner had a disagreement, literally a disagreement. I chucked him out, obviously at that point he was going wild. So he threatened to blow my car up. And was calling me over and over. I called the police at this point. He attended the station and they gave him a bail to stay away from me for 3 months and from my road. Ok so now it gets hard. Someone made a malicious report about “commotion to my home” this someone was my uncle and his partner that I cannot stand. Last Wednesday I had police banging at my door 3 of them, checking number plates, trying to get down my side passage (obviously looking for my ex partner) he wasn’t with me and the police soon established it was malicious. 4 children and I have a baby due in 8 weeks, so at this point I’ve gone to the police station on Thursday just been to retract my statement. I’ve clearly said in my retraction I am not and have no means to be back with my ex, but the police have already told me 2 weeks ago they are struggling with evidence. Mentally I’m drained, I’m exhausted, I’m embarrassed and sick of police attending. The list is literally endless, I’m juggling 4 kids, a pregnancy, maintaining a home, midwife appointments, additional scans throughout pregnancy, appointments for other children. I’m so done, I’m doing this all alone and getting to a point I cannot even attend appointments (family are great and help a lot but I cannot expect them to take like last week 3 days off in a row) so I’ve retracted, because come the end I know there will be no outcome and as I said I’m mentally drained. I need to find child care for my induction, so many appointments after that when baby is born I just cannot do this all alone he is their dad and he has to help! All honesty, he’s an ok bloke and would not follow his threats he just tried to ruffle me because I’d just got a new car. He’s a good dad, my kids are breaking and they don’t understand atall because they’ve not witnessed anything it was all via phone calls / texts.
will social services become involved? I DO NOT want to be with him, but we need to coparent.
any help atall, my head can’t take anymore. I even went into hospital the day after the police come to my home because I thought I was going into early labour.

(REPOST)

I’m sorry you are dealing with this at such a tricky time, but inviting someone who has threatened violence back into your life could rightly lead to social services involvement. Speak to your midwife for support

im not inviting him back into my life unfortunately it’s out of my hands sharing nearly 5 children. The police have already said they are struggling with evidence this is all one long process for no outcome anyway. I’m tired, I need a break I cannot actuslly walk hardly. I need him on standbye going forward with the kids (my mum is my birthing partner) there’s a lot more to it than inviting him back into my life unfortunately x

Your mum can look after the kids. You don’t leave them alone with a man who threatened that.

I'm sorry that you're so overwhelmed. Your priority is not childcare, your priority is the safety of you and your children. I understand that life feels very hard but the most vulnerable time for a survivor of abuse is after leaving and the first year after leaving.

You seem to be minimising his behaviour, describing him as an 'ok bloke' and good dad. However, a big red flag of homicide is fixation or obsessive behaviour and that's exactly what you describe, plus the threats to life.

I'm also wondering what you're missing out because from your description, he's gone from a fluffy rabbit to threatening to kill you. Men who attack, tend to do so when they think they have nothing left to lose.

It's very important that you get a safety assessment or DASH, from a professional. They can assess your safety and help keep you safe. I would get the house made safe eg locks and video doorbell.

Gingerbread have a good helpline regarding anything to do with life as a single parent including support. Rights of Women and FLOWS can tell you about legal steps such as a non molestation order.

OP social services are there to help you and keep you safe. Work with them and take advantage of any support they offer.

I haven’t come here to ask help with a birth plan, I do not want to give birth alone. He this their father, Monday night I thought I was going into labour at half 12 at night I couldn’t get hold of my mum- he has to be on standby with his children it is that simple, has I gone into labour Monday night who the hell would have had my children!

You’ll lose your kids completely if social services are involved.
Or they could lose you if he follows through on his threats.

He hasn’t threatened to kill me, I didn’t put that in my post atall. My car, there’s a bit of a difference.

cleaeoy mumsnet is a big regret coming on here-

He doesn’t need to be there for your children if he is deemed unsafe to be, and social services have every reason to believe he isn’t given the police report.

You can’t go from “999 help he’s going to blow up my car” to “yes I’ve left him with 4 children but don’t involve social services” like that without thorough investigation unfortunately. It’s out of your hands now really, if you continue to have him in your lives then you’re inviting SS in too- but that’s not necessarily a bad thing and it sounds like both of you need support in one way or another.

Thanks for the advice but I’m just going to call them outright tomorrow and explain myself- I do not have any current involvement.
some of the reply’s is like I’ve stated I love him and I want him home!!!! What happens in 6 weeks time when he gets nfa🤦‍♀️

Unless you’re going to tell them you lied and wasted police time it doesn’t matter what you say to them now.

They can decide NFA and still refer to social services as a result, you don’t have to meet the CPS threshold for charging to be a danger to children and SS is well aware of that.

He has bail conditions on me, not his children. Social services asked if he was still seeing his children I said yes! He’s seen them twice with his grandmother and mum! They had no problem.

I also don’t need to lie and say I’ve wasted police time, I HAVE retracted it. And I’ve been simply honest as to why. This isn’t for him, it’s for my own self right now there’s only so much a human brain can take.

I have a (idva) I’m working with, and she’s supported me through all of this too and my decision.

I'm really pleased to hear that. You've had a safety assessment and a professional is advising you. Have you considered a home birth or speaking to your midwife about your situation and asking for suggestions re childcare? There may be emergency childcare care available or social services might be able to arrange something.

I see someone threatening to blow something up by your house as a threat to life OP. It's incredibly dangerous with something as large as a car and I doubt the police would have arrested him if they weren't concerned.

OP is this the first time he has said or done anything threatening? Has he shouted, sworn at you, been abusive financially, emotionally, verbally or physically? It seems unlikely to have just come out of the blue.

I’m not sure why this post is still going, but no a home birth is not optional I am high risk and have to be induced with every baby. I certainly would not turn to social services for child care or even do that to my children that is the most wildest thing I’ve read. The statement is retracted, I spoke to social services before doing so but they didn’t give me much of an answer. If you was in my shoes right now you’d completely understand how hard this is.

I literally did not come here to ask for child care advice or some of the other comments just simply to see if anyone has been or are in a similar situation. He poses no risks to our children and actually is a very good dad, regardless of me and him being toxic I will not example him as a bad father.

ty, post will be removed.

Can I also add too, my children services is actually inadequate. Not a chance would I trust them to take care of my children for nearly a week (because it can and has taken that long waiting to actually be induced) I would rather them be with him than a service that is a risk and inadequate , or even if he is there whilst our baby is born and him and my mum take care of child care.

social services in my area actually let abused children slip the net, beaten, not clothed. Live in substance abuse, living in actual DV homes. Believe me when I say, my home is stunning, my children have everything they want and need, they do not witness domestic abuse, they are loved beyond anything in this life. Social services are a pointless lack of services and I’d never, ever let a stranger stay with my children let’s just get that straight.

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice but I just want to say how sorry I am you're going through this. It sounds like you have such a lot to deal with at the moment, that's so hard. I hope you get some help on here ❤️