Need some advice…

[soulful22]

What would you do if you suspect your partner of having your phone bugged where he could see what you see on your phone. I.e messages and videos etc but You have no proof, other than strange coincidences. In short, I didn’t pay too much attention at first but then things just got more and more strange as the years went by and this started after I bought a phone from his friend (who is good with technology and apps that mirror screens)
a few of the coincidences… his sister asked what he wanted for Xmas, I suggested a particular jacket he always wanted. But she got him some sweaters. When he opened the gifts he said oh I thought I would have got a jacket.. I found out from an ex that they had a sex tape of me which I didn’t agree to so I asked for proof which was sent to my phone. I watched and it was true which I was hurt about but that same day when I was upset my current partner just looked at me blankly (almost like he hated me) and didn’t ask what was wrong or why I was upset. Just stared at me. I had a male friend message me just saying hi. Nothing sexual. And on two occasions where we just exchanged hellos and a few jokes. My partner came home and ignored me. No reason no explanation. And it would last for about 2-3 weeks of silence. Other times I’ve said something in a voice message to someone and he has come back and said the same words to me. Even to the point where I’ve watched some adventurous porn (no judgement) and he has come back and behaved in the same way of what I have watched. Which is not like him. These are just to name a few but there are more. But lastly when I really felt that something strange is going on, I reset my phone. So everything was erased completely. This was done at night so by the next morning when he woke up and had been on his phone he was then in a rush to leave the house early in the morning. Whilst walking away from the house he was on the phone either texting or making a call.
sorry for the long post. I don’t know if I’m losing my mind or it is strange. What would you do? Any advice welcomed.

I’d trust your gut here.

Buy a new phone immediately.
mare you happy in this relationship?

Honestly, as horrible as him cloning your phone sounds, the relationship in general sounds toxic AF: a sex tape made without your consent and you don’t dump him on the spot?

Doing a factory reset of the phone is one thing, if what he has is some software on there. But in your place I think I would dump the bloke, take out a new phone contract, and factory reset my phone again once I was clear of him.

If he has indeed either cloned your phone or installed some kind of spy software on it, the guy is clearly bad news. I would also assume that any tablet, laptop or desktop may be compromised. In the meantime, go and check your security settings and make sure he hasn’t set his own face up for face ID or fingerprint recognition on your phone. Change your passcode. Make it harder for him to unlock your phone and remove anything you have set up to auto-unlock, like being near your watch or tablet or at a specific address, so he can’t reinstall anything on it.

But at this point, you have to assume he realises you’ve worked it out, even if you haven’t challenged him on it yet.

You need to start planning your exit. Can you pack some essentials and go to a friend’s for a few nights?

@GrumpyInsomniac I didn't read it as the current partner made the sex tape, it was an ex.
However, there is no trust in this relationship and if its proven he has done this, its unhinged.

There's a lot of information here on tech abuse:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/cover-your-tracks-online/

Your boyfriend sounds emotionally abusive if he's ignoring you for weeks at a time. Take a look at this and see if any of it resonates:
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/cover-your-tracks-online/

Reset all tech and check around for hidden cameras.

@Diarygirlqueen ah yeah, I see it now. But if he has done this, he’s a control freak and this is just the tip of the iceberg.

It sounds very troubling. Even the bit about Iris your for 2-3 weeks at a time is enough to call it a day. And you don’t need to prove or disprove that.

Do you want to be with him?

@ShalimarsdreamI’m not happy. We have two kids. Been together about 16years. And I bought the phone from his friend in 2015. Started noticing the coincidences in 2016 but brushed it off. 2024 is when I really started to pay attention and too many coincidences started to add. So I factory reset my phone.

@GrumpyInsomniacI don’t have anywhere to go. We have two kids. I don’t have a lot of spare money and don’t have family close by

You don't have to go anywhere other than the police for his sexual deviancy.

You can contact the National Domestic Abuse helpline for advice.

@StrawberryWater Does this count as abuse if I don’t have evidence of it? It’s just my gut and coincidences

I definitely think you should trust your gut. Having said that regardless of the phone issue, his behaviour is abusive. Get help.

For the name of God, why haven't you upgraded your phone op just why!! If and when you do this you will see his response, he won't have control over your phone then,
You may need to change number as spywear may be connected to number rather than fone if that's the case, not sure how all this tech stuff works,

@Omgblueskys I’ve factory reset my phone already. Which I think triggered his strange behaviour the next morning.

Work out your exit plan OP. This relationship sounds like coercive control. I bet you can think of other examples not just the phone hacking.

@FattyMcFattyArseYea I’m working on the exit plan. I’m just glad I’m not overthinking things or going crazy

Good. Trust your instincts.