Betrayal, lies, and broken trust — can a marriage survive?

[Mommaintears]

I need some advice because I’m so hurt and confused.

Earlier this week, a woman I don’t know messaged me out of the blue with screenshots of my husband asking for her Snapchat because she “posts sexy stuff.” There were messages back in June and then again last week. When I confronted him, he lied at first (said it was for a friend), then admitted it was for himself. He also told me he panicked and deleted all their messages when he realised she’d seen my profile — which to me proves he knew it was wrong, otherwise why would you cover your tracks?

He said it’s not cheating because “he didn’t touch her.” But for me, it is a betrayal. Seeking out sexual content from a stranger, lying about it, hiding and deleting — that’s a massive breach of trust and of the boundaries of our marriage.

This isn’t the first time, either. In the past I’ve found him on a swinger like site, and I’ve caught him paying for OnlyFans. Each time it’s only come out after me pushing for the truth. Every time he swears it’s the last time he’ll break my trust, that he loves me, that I can trust him. And each time, he’s proven otherwise.

What makes this so much worse is the timing. He was doing this while I was at rock bottom — dealing with safeguarding and support for my teenage son who’s newly diagnosed ASD/PDA/ADHD, who’s started self harming, me fighting with doctors and schools, and trying to hold everything together while also struggling with my own health and poorly parents. I’ve been in tears in the gps office literally at the time he was lying in our bed messaging another woman.

I told him I don’t want to live in a marriage where I have to be a detective, checking phones and accounts, just to feel safe. But I also can’t put blind faith in him changing, because he didn’t even see this as a betrayal until I spelled it out for him. That scares me — what else does he excuse in his head as “not cheating”?

Right now, my trust and respect for him are shredded. He says he’ll do anything to fix us, but actions matter more than words, and I don’t see how this can move forward.

Am I overreacting to feel like this is just as damaging as cheating? Is there actually a way back from repeated lies and broken trust, or do I need to face the reality that my marriage might not be salvageable?

Dump him. He will continue to cheat on you.

You can’t tell me that buying content from sex workers on OF isn’t cheating 🙄 and you KNOW that he’s only admitting to what you can prove, I bet he’s done all sorts that you don’t know about.

You’re worth more OP, really you are.

Honestly OP the swingers site and the Only Fans would have been enough for me to leave, find your anger and walk away.

He’s not going to stop because up to now his actions have no consequences, you’ve stayed. Let this be the last time.

You should (need) to Dump Him. I went through similar, but not the same. He was not wanting sex with me, but watching lots of porn and pleasuring himself. Then he took another woman out (dancing). So lots of caressing, kissing cheeks(!), lifts to venues. Finally I found out he had taken her to a hotel (just for dancing): Ho ho, what ho. I was expected to believe him: Noooo.

Before you are duped any more: Dump Him. You are worth more than this slime ball.

Of course you aren't over reacting OP.
He is looking for sexual gratification outside your marriage.
And the fact he is doing this rather than supporting you, the woman he made vows to, at a really difficult time makes his repugnant behaviour even more of a betrayal.

Oh love, you're not overreacting at all. He knows full well his behaviour is unacceptable and the fact that he's trying to minimise it just makes it worse. With all you've been going through, he should have been by your side supporting you and fighting for your son right alongside you instead of indulging his sleazy fantasies 🤮

I don't think you will ever be able to trust him as he has let you down time and again and I doubt he has any intention of stopping - he might just get better at hiding it. Frankly, I think you deserve better than settling for a life with a man you will always be wondering what he's up to.

He's a cheater. You know this, it's happened multiple times and you've rugswept it and stayed every time. I don't know how you could have any trust after the first episode.

Why would this be different? He knows you're not going to do anything.

No, there is no way back because this is your back. This guy has been looking for sex outside your marriage and that's his norm. You got what you got, a cheater. He doesn't care about your stress or that you've got a major life crisis with your son. You aren't his priority.

The question is, what are you going to do about it.

You're not overreacting at all. He has a strong pattern of adulterous behaviour, which is as damaging as cheating.

He said it’s not cheating because “he didn’t touch her

Speaks volumes. Clearly what he considers cheating isn't the same as yours, but I can bet he wouldn't like it if you were doing everything he's being doing with other men.

It's clear to me that he doesn't want to be in a sexually monogamous relationship OP, but he doesn't want to tell you that because he knows you'd leave, and he wants to continue getting whatever he's getting from you.

Thank you to everyone who commented on my original post.

I’ve told my husband to leave and go to his mum’s for the time being. He’s just packed a bag and gone. The betrayal itself was bad enough, but the lying and the way he’s made it seem like the trust issues after the second incident were mine to fix, while he was still sneaking around has broken me.

I’ve been calm and clear — I haven’t shouted or cried — but I’ve told him straight that the marriage we had is gone, and that if there’s any chance of rebuilding, it will have to start from scratch, on my terms, and only if I even want to try, which I can’t even think about right now. I’ve set the boundary that I need space, and that for now he is to stay at his mum’s and not pressure me about the relationship.

Right now it’s about keeping things stable for my son and giving myself breathing space to think clearly. I don’t know what the future looks like, but I know I’ve taken the first step in protecting myself and my boy.