Hi all, I wrote on here months ago and found a lot of the advice really pragmatic and helpful so I’m hoping for similar this time…
I’m in the process of separation from my partner of 15 years, I’m 34 with two young children and we’ve only been married for 3 years. He cheated on me twice early in the relationship, but I was young, he was ten years older and I chose to ignore it and stay.. He commenced an affair on our 2nd wedding anniversary, I felt his shift immediately, found out what was happening and we went in to therapy together. At this point I was still listening to our wedding tracks, feeling genuinely like my life was amazing and I had it all… Fast forward time, we had two stretched bouts of couples therapy, I still felt his continuous distance to which he denied. I found out on numerous occasions during this time that he was still in touch with her.. she’s half his age, he was meeting her late at night and buying her gifts…
Following the beginning of his affair, and within a three month period, my sibling died suddenly, and our dog died - he watched me struggling intensely during this period, while still having to process betrayal, work on my breaking marriage and claw at him to help me fix it.
I caught him finally in may this year, and asked him to leave our family home. I knew the whole time really, i seem to have an issue of being ‘forever hopeful’ - and I just wasn’t ready to stand up and move. The lack of worth feelings were so intense, and still are.
I’m a big believer in hope and fate - I don’t have much choice now otherwise I would sink. I have amazing friends and supportive siblings, who have put a big blanket over me to help me come out of this.
I am having therapy, also and navigating my lack of boundaries and need to people please following feelings of abandonment as a teenager.
My question is - do you have any other suggestions for how to heal from this without it impacting all of my future relationships? Is it time? Will I ever heal?
I also made the mistake of getting involved with a man about 2 months ago - he approached me, not from my area, moves around with work, lives on the road, doesn’t maintain any strong connections and hasn’t seen his son for ten years… I really enjoyed him choosing to speak to me, being interested in me and my life - like he could have had anyone in the world with his travelling but he chose me and it made me feel special. He presented an adventure and I am craving adventure… He called it off, and all of my feelings of rejection and lack of worth have doubled down - I only met him twice. On reflection I understand it was not a healthy move, and I’m not in a good place.
I guess I feel out of control, and unsafe a lot of the time - my husband was the breadwinner and is the main shareholder in a very successful business. I live in the family home that I can’t afford so this is temporary. I work with him also, I have my own career path but followed his dream - which always supported him, I’m very flexible due to our children. I’m scared about my financial future, and whether I’ll ever feel secure in myself again. I want to break patterns my sister made, I am fearful I will repeat mistakes other females have made in my family.
I’m generally a very grateful person, i read a lot and have worked really hard to feel confident about myself and who I am. Betrayal has stripped me of everything, and I feel like I am starting all over again with low confidence, self esteem and lack of worth. I love life and all of the free things in it - exercise, sunsets, the stars and love for everything. I just lose it to a big thick cloud sometimes, low motivation and get lost in self pity.
Do you have any advice please?