Can ex drug addicts make good partners?

[lovelydayswithsun]

I’ve been thinking about this today. My ex boyfriend is a heavy cocaine user and wanted to revive our relationship. I said no because I knew I could never be in a relationship with someone on drugs and I didn’t believe that he wanted to come off them.

but I’ve always wondered what I would have done if he had come off them. I think I would have been tempted to get back with him but constantly worried it was a blip and he would start using again and so in all likely would have said no again.

but surely some people can still make good partners even if they used to be users?

I wouldn’t even consider having one as a partner. Raise your standards and stay away.

It would depend on how long he'd been off the drugs. He'd have to have been clean for at least two years for me to consider this. Otherwise there's a high chance of relapse.

No I wouldn’t even want to risk it. I’d be constantly worried that they’d start up again.

I wouldn’t get involved again, in saying that though i know some wonderful people doing well in recovery. It takes commitment and if I were ver to consider it they’d need to be clean years and have alternative strategies in place to cope with life

An addict is an addict for life, even if they're not using.

So if they're aware of their disease, engaging with support, and consistently working to stay clean, that's one thing.

If they've just 'stopped using' and you're working on the basis of hope, you'd always be at risk.

I'm thinking of Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell, for example (simply because they're an open book when it comes to this) - he's very open about his history with drugs and alcohol and his constant commitment to AA, and even after 16 years of sobriety, he still experienced a relapse and had to work hard to come back from it. I wouldn't consider him a 'bad partner' at all – he's self-aware and thoughtful and committed and as far as anyone can tell, a great, deeply loving father to their kids, but even he got sideswiped by his disease.

You'd have to be secure in his commitment to sobriety and willing to support someone with an illness.

Interesting question. A quick Google suggests two thirds relapse in the first year.

I imagine that some will make a complete recovery and good luck to them. It would be a fantastic achievement. After five years, clean the risk of relapse is only around 15%

As for a potential partner, I'd always worry that their brain would be wired to leap to relapse, or another addiction to replace the drugs.

Drug users who spend a lot of money on drugs can end up in debt and then you may have visits from people who he owes money to along with him selling anything of value including house personal possessions to pay off debts or buy more drugs.

Unlike alcoholics who often drink alone, drug users tend to mix with other drug users and you will be surrounded by low lives.

You’d be mad to get with an ex druggie as there is a high chance he would relapse.

Not a chance!

Finally got rid of my drug using husband cos all I can trust him for is to tell more lies!

If it was someone who'd had a solid decade of being clean, hadn't swapped one addiction for another and had generally turned their lives around and got their shit together then maybe. But not if I'd been in a relationship with them while they were using. Once you've seen that up close and been lied to that much there's no way back.

Absolutely agree with this. I have a couple of friends who have been clean and sober for over a decade. One is in a relationship and his partner is extremely supportive. He is completely dedicated to sobriety and knows it’s a lifelong battle.

I've been married to an ex-polydrug abuser for nearly 20 years, he's the best partner I've ever had (hence 20 years haha!).

I'm not sure if there's something particular about cocaine though - it was never one of his favourites so it never 'took hold' if you see what I mean.

My husband still sees all his friends from that era and they've all grown up and got families too now, so none of them drag each other down. This is key I think - if the temptation is there then probably there are very few addicts who can realistically resist day after day, year after year.

When I met my late DH he’d been clean for about a year. I didn’t know about addiction at that time in my life and it sounded like ages to me. He had several relapses including the one that killed him. I swore that I’d never get involved with anyone who used drugs or any ex addicts as I know how much work they have to put into staying clean.

That said I then met DP who has been teetotal for 40 years. He says he doesn’t know if he was an addict or not but felt like he was developing an unhealthy relationship with alcohol so stopped completely. No relapses even through significant bereavements and major life stressors.

So I think total abstinence is possible but I understand cocaine is particularly difficult, especially in the first few years.

Yes, of course, addicts in recovery can make good partners. I’m a recovering alcoholic and have a very happy healthy marriage and family life (much more functional, I’ll add, than many of the couples we know our age, 40s with kids). I have my shit together, have dealt with my baggage and trauma more than most, and I don’t drink or use drugs which is at the root of a lot relationship drama.

I’d say this is the case for most addicts in recovery that I know. They are much more together than most of the people our age who are still out there not dealing with stuff and running from all their problems.

But the difference is that I’m talking about people who have actually worked on their stuff. Not just people who claim to not use anymore but are still dragging all their baggage around but white knuckling it through not using for a few months.

I feel you.
I just got rid of someone I adored because I felt he was lying to me about his drug habits. He said party drugs every few months but I highly suspect a cocaine and alcohol habit that is quite bad.
I loved him and would consider him again if he was clean but I think he would lie to me right now.
So sad.

My personal opinion is that no, an addict cannot ever be a good partner. Even if they are a long time sober, not using, and engaging in support, their whole life seems to then revolve around their ongoing sobriety and recovery, in the way that it used to revolve around their habit. It’s just a different version of selfishness that would never be conducive to a relationship with me or having a happy, secure family. My views on this are coloured by experiences with my own family members, but if any addicts are reading this then please know that I admire your resolve and sobriety.